Thursday, January 20, 2011


Today I am angry.

My husband suggested I start researching things to do next week when he starts back to work. I'm not mad at him, but I am mad at the fact I even need to research things to do on a maternity leave... without a baby to care for.

All the things I had planned to do on my leave, (baby massage, baby dance, going for walks with the stroller, eventually baby swim class, etc), well, these things require a baby. I am so angry I can't do these things, and I am sad that I can't do them with Jack.

My husband reminds me, "not yet", as in, you can't do these things yet... and you'll never be able to do them with Jack, but one day you can... with the next baby.

He means well, and I know he has my best interests at heart. He doesn't want to see me sit at home all day, depressed or crying. I understand that, and it's not what I want either. I will be looking into things to do, to occupy my time. I'm just angry and sad that I have to. Because I have no baby.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Did I love on him enough?

I ask myself these question everyday, "did I love him enough?", "did I kiss him a lot?", "did he know how much we loved him". We only had a few short days at home with him, and so the entire experience of bringing him home from the hospital through when I took him to the lactation clinic is a blur.

My husband assures me I did love on him, and that I didn't stop kissing him, and that I was always holding him. We joke that Jack likely spent fewer than 6 hours out of our arms from the time he was born through the time he got sick and we could no longer hold him. He insisted on sleeping in my arms or on my chest, or on his daddy. He cried when he was put down at all, or when we tried repeatedly to have him sleep in his bassinet. He would squiggle or squirm and cry when he wasn't in my arms.

Today I was able to watch the video my husband recorded of Jack and I the evening before he got sick. In it, I am holding him and kissing on him, and cuddling him while trying to burp him- something he never really did (he just wasn't a burper). I am so happy this video exists because I am literally unable to keep my lips off his face and gorgeous downy head. I can rest assured he was loved every second, and that he knew it too.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Jack Is a Star

I wish I could tell you am holding a two week old little boy in my arms. But I am not and I can not.

Instead, I hold a tiny teddy bear with a yellow bow tie, and a green organ donation ribbon pinned to it's chest. The bear was a gift from the NICU staff at Sick Kids, given to Jack to hold into while awaiting the organ donation last Tuesday (January 11th). We've since nicknamed him "JackBear" and he sleeps in our bed. Actually, to be honest, my husband clutches him until he falls asleep and I generally find him nestled between sheets and blankets and rescue him to to sleep in my cleavage, all save and sound until morning.

Today, I am feeling sad. A lovely group of friends of mine from work named a star in Jack's honour and it was delivered to the house this morning. Such a thoughtful gift, and I have to wonder whether they knew that his baby shower theme was "A Star is Born", and how I used to receit the words, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Do you know how loved you are?" while I was pregnant with him- before I knew it was a "he" even. I wonder whether they know I say Twinkle Twinkle to him most nights including our final night with him when I stayed up all night holding him and singing to him and playing songs to him. Or how the song that will forever be "Jack's Song" is "Somewhere Out There".

I'm not sad because of the gift- it was extraordinarily generous. I'm sad because I still can't help but wish things were different, and that we were still receiving congratulatory e-mails/cards/gifts rather than these same things in remembrance.

The outfit he worn the night before I took him to the lactation clinic is starting to lose it's scent. It didn't smell of much to begin with, except he smelt of Burt's Bees Body and Hair Wash, and of sweat in his neckline because I woke up that Thursday morning sticking to him. I still believe it was me that was hot, not him, because he was not fussing. But that's a story for another day.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

GARTH BROOKS - THE DANCE (clip) - Country Music Television - 1990

On January 9th, 2011 we said goodbye to our 8 day old son, Jack, after he contracted Meningitis.

Ventilators kept alive until he was able to donate his liver on January 11th- the day he became a Hero. His daddy and I stayed up all night leading up to his surgery, in his private room at Sick Kids, singing to him. We played to him a selection of Disney music- his first introduction to the characters we had hoped to take him to meet in a few short years.

We also remembered this song, and played it for him. It's perfectly fitting. I would go through another 9 months of pregnancy (in which he beat the crap out of me every. single. day), another 26 hour labour resulting in an emergency c-section if only to have lived these eight precious days again. Our lives truly are better left to chance.

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