Monday, January 17, 2011

Jack Is a Star

I wish I could tell you am holding a two week old little boy in my arms. But I am not and I can not.

Instead, I hold a tiny teddy bear with a yellow bow tie, and a green organ donation ribbon pinned to it's chest. The bear was a gift from the NICU staff at Sick Kids, given to Jack to hold into while awaiting the organ donation last Tuesday (January 11th). We've since nicknamed him "JackBear" and he sleeps in our bed. Actually, to be honest, my husband clutches him until he falls asleep and I generally find him nestled between sheets and blankets and rescue him to to sleep in my cleavage, all save and sound until morning.

Today, I am feeling sad. A lovely group of friends of mine from work named a star in Jack's honour and it was delivered to the house this morning. Such a thoughtful gift, and I have to wonder whether they knew that his baby shower theme was "A Star is Born", and how I used to receit the words, "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. Do you know how loved you are?" while I was pregnant with him- before I knew it was a "he" even. I wonder whether they know I say Twinkle Twinkle to him most nights including our final night with him when I stayed up all night holding him and singing to him and playing songs to him. Or how the song that will forever be "Jack's Song" is "Somewhere Out There".

I'm not sad because of the gift- it was extraordinarily generous. I'm sad because I still can't help but wish things were different, and that we were still receiving congratulatory e-mails/cards/gifts rather than these same things in remembrance.

The outfit he worn the night before I took him to the lactation clinic is starting to lose it's scent. It didn't smell of much to begin with, except he smelt of Burt's Bees Body and Hair Wash, and of sweat in his neckline because I woke up that Thursday morning sticking to him. I still believe it was me that was hot, not him, because he was not fussing. But that's a story for another day.


Dana said...

The first sentence of this struck me. It is a strange thing to be a mother, but to have no baby to hold. To not know what babies do at a certain age, because your baby died before he got there. I was pregnant and gave birth, but I have no idea what it is like to bring a baby home from the hospital, only the blanket he was wrapped in and some grief pamphlets. I do, however, know what paperwork needs to be done in order to cremate a child.

I love that you were/are sleeping with JackBear. I still sleep with the blanket that Jacob was wrapped in. Anything that touched him is now one of my most important possessions. My husband will occasionally take the blanket and hang onto it for awhile.

Your friends were so sweet to get the star named for Jack. I think that Jack led them to do that. They could have gotten you a number of different things, but they got you the thing that was a big part of your relationship with him.

Jenn said...

I have been reading about your journey and have been trying to think of something comforting to say, but my heart tells me there are no words.

Just please know I am thinking of you, your husband and especially precious, precious Jack.

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