Monday, February 28, 2011

Daddy's Best Friend

It's hard to see the onesie here, but it read "Daddy's Best Friend", and Jack wore it on his 2nd day of life.

Though out my pregnancy, my husband was quite reserved. He was worried about getting too attached, he was worried we would lose him due to cervical incompetence (which turned out to not even be an issue). He was amazed the first time he saw Jack in an ultrasound, and teared up the first time he heard the heartbeat in the early weeks.

When I was heavily pregnant and lying on my left side as I was instructed to do, I would often curl up behind my husband. Something about this must have irritated "inside Jack" and Scott would find himself subject to getting swift kicks to the ass. It was pretty funny, looking back. :)

When Jack was finally due to be born, and I was wheeled into the Operating Room for my c-section I told my husband he would need to be responsible for the skin-to-skin contact since I wasn't sure I would be able to hold him. Scott took on this responsibility despite his reservations, and suited up in the gown required of him. It was within seconds of Jack's birth I was abandoned as Scott ran over to the table where they were cleaning him up to hold him for the very first time.

On the night of Jack's birth while Scott was holding him, he informed me this was in fact the very best day of his life, and he was in love with our little boy. He told me he would require 12 more of these beautiful babies. That he finally got "it".

When we lost Jack, a little part of Scott was lost too. He doesn't feel like himself, and he's no longer entirely happy-go-lucky. It's hard- he's still Scott, but a variation of his former self.

We mourn differently, where I cry, he gets angry. I like to look at photos, he says looking at photos of our sweet boy breaks his heart... I find it difficult to "relate" to his way of dealing with our loss- I feel like he's hiding from it, pretending it never happened. Ignoring his feelings, delaying his inevitable grief. I think he thinks I cry too much.

This weekend, when he thought I wasn't looking, I saw him kiss the screen of his phone (one which the background is a close up of Jack). I know he misses him just as much as I do. It must be hard, being strong all the time.

Scott not only lost his baby, but a piece of himself, all the dreams he had for our lives together as a family of three. He was so looking forward to teaching Jack to skate... to play hockey (the first and only piece of clothing Scott purchased for Jack was an infant-sized Toronto Maple Leaf jersey), to "have a chip on his shoulder". In the moment we lost Jack, Scott lost his newest, closest, and favourite best friend before he even got to know him.


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