This morning I returned to by OBGYN's office for the first time since my 38 week appointment. I thought I would be fine, that being around all these pregnant women wouldn't bother me. But as I waited to hand in my health card, I saw women coming out of their appointments smiling and laughing. Of course they were, they had everything to look forward to. I remember being in their shoes- a little more than a month ago I was the exact same way.
I waited for the other shoe to drop my entire pregnancy, so by the time I reached 37+ weeks pregnant, I finally let my guard down- the baby was coming, and he was going to be here soon.
As I stood behind a women registering for her next appointment, I felt my eyes fill with tears, and I stared at an overhead light fixture, wishing the tears away. Luckily for me, my OBGYN was coming out of an appointment, caught my eye, and invited me back to her office. There was no weighing-in, or sitting on a paper-covered bed in the small room. I was in her office, tucked safely away from the women with the bellies and babies.
She gave me a huge hug, asked me how I was doing. My immediate response since Jack's death was, "I'm fine", and she immediately corrected me, "this is never fine, this is never okay". She cried with me, and told me there was nothing I could have done. She indicated she had spoken with the Pediatrician who had worked on Jack when we were originally admitted to my local hospital just yesterday. She said she was hoping I would be re-booking with her office soon, and was so thrilled to see my name on her list for the days appointments.
Both she and the Pediatrician believe it is likely that Jack had the infection before he was even born. She thinks he was likely sick in utero, though they're not sure how he got it. They think perhaps he had a compromised immune system, though nothing was apparent in any of the testing, the scans, the IPS testing. Why is the question- one they're hoping SickKids can answer for us. But realistically, we may never actually get to the bottom of it.
My husband and I are being referred for an appointment with the Infectious Disease department at SickKids, with the hope of being able to identify additional prenatal testing (blood draws from me, additional urine samples, etc.) which might provide us with additional comforts moving forward. Also, it is likely there will be special attention paid to the baby upon delivery, more testing, preventive medicines, etc. to ensure he/she is healthy. He or she may receive additional medications on a precautionary basis, but this is all dependent on the recommendations which come from the infectious disease department. There will be more testing on me, the fetus, etc. throughout the pregnancy, which is more reassuring.
This appointment should be in a few weeks or so, and my OB suggested it may be sooner. I'll keep you updated.
Finally, we discussed future pregnancies. She brought it up by telling me that both herself and the Pediatrician figured we were likely interested in having another baby, and soon. That they had been discussing us the day before, and how impressed the Pediatrician and herself were by us during our time at the local hospital, and in fact the feedback they had received from SickKids about our time there. Both agreed we were wonderful parents, despite the situation. My OB was emotional as we discussed how Scott and I were given the briefest taste of being parents to our sweet boy, and we crave it. I told her how my husband fell hook, line & sinker for that wee little man the moment he held him. I told her how my husband whispered, "this is the best night of my life, we're going to need 12 more of these", the night Jack was born.
I finally asked what her thoughts were on more babies. She smiled and told me to go ahead, and start trying. She said generally the recommendation is 12 weeks post-birth. We are already nearly 6. She anticipates I'll have my period back in the next 2-3 weeks and anytime after that we can get started. Perfect timing. Of course we'll need a repeat c-section, since it is fewer than 18 months from the first, but I have no concerns about this at all.
We agreed I will keep taking my prenatals, and there are no concerns regarding a lack of vitamins or ruptured uterus (since the major concern is during active labour, which will be avoided thanks to a repeat c-section). I feel confident moving forward, that we're doing everything possible to give Jack's brothers or sisters the very best chance for healthy lives. I am so happy to have my OB's endorsement to move forward with making the family I always knew/hoped we would have.
She made me promise to call the office when I get a positive pregnancy test, and very much hopes to see my name on her list of appointments in 2 months time. She gave me a hug, renewed my prescription for my prenatal vitamins, and wished me the very best of luck.
I feel a whole lot better after meeting with her. I feel more reassured than ever that it wasn't something we could have known/done/etc. I also feel a sense of calm. That maybe, we can finish the year with a baby, which would be wonderful. :)
21 hours ago