Anyways, it's a true fact: It's nearly 3am and I just can not sleep.
My mind is racing at 100 miles per hour (even though I function in kilometers, but I digress...), and I can not seem to slow it. I am thinking about Jack. Specifically, I'm thinking that yesterday was the first day I didn't cry since he got sick. That's not entirely true, I felt myself welling up with tears a few times yesterday, but I didn't allow myself to ugly cry. This, despite the fact the song playing in the OR when he was born played on the radio (Comedown by Bush, if anyone's curious).
I don't know how I feel about this non-crying thing. I'm not sure if I'm ready to not be crying, I feel guilty that I didn't cry yesterday. Please know this does not mean I don't love my baby. Nor does it mean I'm healed yet, because I'm not. I would give anything to hold his little body close to mine, or to kiss his sweet face, or smell his milk-soaked mouth. Anything, I'd truly do anything.
I'll have to see how long this lasts, though something tells me I'll cry today. I'm meeting a friend who I haven't seen since I started my maternity leave back in late December. I'm sure when I see her she'll want to know some details, so I am 89% sure I'll cry.
I'm off to try this sleep thing again. For the record, I've been trying since 11:10 last night. Wish me luck!