Monday, February 14, 2011

It's 3am (I must be lonely)...

5 points if you know who sang those lyrics..

Anyways, it's a true fact: It's nearly 3am and I just can not sleep.

My mind is racing at 100 miles per hour (even though I function in kilometers, but I digress...), and I can not seem to slow it. I am thinking about Jack. Specifically, I'm thinking that yesterday was the first day I didn't cry since he got sick. That's not entirely true, I felt myself welling up with tears a few times yesterday, but I didn't allow myself to ugly cry. This, despite the fact the song playing in the OR when he was born played on the radio (Comedown by Bush, if anyone's curious).

I don't know how I feel about this non-crying thing. I'm not sure if I'm ready to not be crying, I feel guilty that I didn't cry yesterday. Please know this does not mean I don't love my baby. Nor does it mean I'm healed yet, because I'm not. I would give anything to hold his little body close to mine, or to kiss his sweet face, or smell his milk-soaked mouth. Anything, I'd truly do anything.

I'll have to see how long this lasts, though something tells me I'll cry today. I'm meeting a friend who I haven't seen since I started my maternity leave back in late December. I'm sure when I see her she'll want to know some details, so I am 89% sure I'll cry.

I'm off to try this sleep thing again. For the record, I've been trying since 11:10 last night. Wish me luck!


Shell said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and I am so sorry about your beautiful son Jack. I hope you are getting better sleep, I've found using melatonin in the evenings is helpful for sleeping. I lost my daughter on January 11th, she was born still. I wish you all the best in coming months. Hugs to you.

Dana said...

That first day without crying is strange. There is such a mixture of guilt and fear...fear that you are moving forward when you don't really want to. Eventually it becomes easier to accept and you no longer count how many days it has been since you have cried. There is always sorrow and grief just below the surface anyway.

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