Monday, March 28, 2011

Back to Work Anxiety

Just over a month from now I head back to work.

It's not like I didn't know it was coming (I specifically remember asking whether I had to go back to work right away after we lost Jack). But today I got the call from my Assistant Director at work and my return to work day is somewhere around May 2nd.

I'm pretty straightforward with her (she had a daughter 2 years ago through a sperm donor as she's single) and told her I am looking forward to coming back, though I don't intend to stay long if I have any control over it. I know she "gets" it, and would likely expect nothing less of me. She was excited I even wanted to come back to her department (the notoriously difficult one at my work).

I got off the phone with her and lost it. While I'm looking forward to heading back, and being with my friends at work once again, I'm going back- without a baby.  When I left there in December, I left knowing it would be a little more than a year until I was back in that seat, at that desk.  I was wrong. I'm back 8 months too soon, and without a baby at home.

I won't be facing the usual questions about my toddler (I don't have one, remember?).  I'll have people telling me how sorry they are for my situation... but none of them will really understand what I've been through... I gave birth, fell in love, watched him suffer, kissed him goodbye, chose an urn, and had my heartbroken. I lived an entire lifetime (Jack's entire lifetime) inside 10 days... Because of this I am not the same person I was before all of this.  To resume another part of my old life is going to be HARD on me.  Even the little things like being on the Go Train to work (public transit), it is likely someone remembers me from being pregnant last year and will want to ask me about my child... But I'm pretty sure the answer I have to give isn't what they want to hear, and definitely not what they are expecting to hear.

On the superficial side, I don't even fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes even though I lost all my weight months ago.  My shirts are too short, and my hips are slightly too wide. I need a bunch of new clothes, since it's been nearly a year since I wore my regular clothing and I don't like any of it anymore. But I ask myself whether it's worth buying new clothes, all the while hoping they won't fit me in another couple of months? Do I buy new maternity clothing? What a weird thing to do, but at the same time, if Scott and I get what we want I will be pregnant-ish each time I head back to work for the next several years. So why buy new non-maternity dress clothes, right?

I hate that this is something I even have to think about.  I should be worried about tummy time, and getting into a sleep schedule... FML.


Molly said...

Ugh, I know going back will be tough. I work from home, so I was only off for a week after Hayes died. That pretty much sucked. I can tell you I did a terrible job for the first couple of months because I just didn't care! Probably a good thing you waited a while before heading back. Hopefully, working will occupy your mind while you wait for a rainbow. And then I hope you are back at home asap!!! Will be thinking of you. Keep us posted.

TanaLee Davis said...

I know this feeling all too well. In fact I had to quit the job I had and am in the process of a possible new job. I couldn't live with the memories of pregnancy at my old job. I am sorry that your anxiety is high and your sorrow is deep. I pray that your day is nice to you and you get good feed back from others when the time arrives to go back to work.

Kelly said...

I cannot even imagine having to go back to work after all this. My husband went back 3 weeks after Adam passed, and I can't even fathom it. If I wanna lay around in my jammies and do the bare minimum to care for Natalie, I have that option. I have a hard enough time focusing on grocery shopping and picking myself up enough to shower. I hate when people tell me I'm strong, but you really are for going back to work at the same place. Take care of yourself and know that you may suck at your job and be distracted for some time. AND THAT'S OK! Jim's employer has been really understanding of that, and I hope yours is, too. ((hugs))

LauraJane said...

I'm really fortunate I work for a government agency and they are very understanding (at this point, anyway) and flexible.

I worried people are going to expect that after 4 months off, I'll be all fixed up and healed- clearly not the case... I'm trying to pacify myself with the idea that the sooner I'm back, the sooner I can be off again... True or not, it seems to make me feel better...

Becky said...

I was supposed to leave work to have the surgery and not return for at least 4-5 months and instead got thrown back into my old life in 2 months and without my baby. I just can't imagine how you must feel knowing you shouldn't be going back for at least a year.
I am glad your work seems to understand. I pray we both will be pregnant with our rainbow babies soon enough and back at home enjoying them, although I agree it would be nicer if your only worry could be a sleep schedule and tummy time. Thinking of you...

book fish said...

I have to go to work sometime in the coming weeks too but am terrified. At the same time, I'm finding it hard to go through the day sitting without any work.

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