Just over a month from now I head back to work.
It's not like I didn't know it was coming (I specifically remember asking whether I had to go back to work right away after we lost Jack). But today I got the call from my Assistant Director at work and my return to work day is somewhere around May 2nd.
I'm pretty straightforward with her (she had a daughter 2 years ago through a sperm donor as she's single) and told her I am looking forward to coming back, though I don't intend to stay long if I have any control over it. I know she "gets" it, and would likely expect nothing less of me. She was excited I even wanted to come back to her department (the notoriously difficult one at my work).
I got off the phone with her and lost it. While I'm looking forward to heading back, and being with my friends at work once again, I'm going back- without a baby. When I left there in December, I left knowing it would be a little more than a year until I was back in that seat, at that desk. I was wrong. I'm back 8 months too soon, and without a baby at home.
I won't be facing the usual questions about my toddler (I don't have one, remember?). I'll have people telling me how sorry they are for my situation... but none of them will really understand what I've been through... I gave birth, fell in love, watched him suffer, kissed him goodbye, chose an urn, and had my heartbroken. I lived an entire lifetime (Jack's entire lifetime) inside 10 days... Because of this I am not the same person I was before all of this. To resume another part of my old life is going to be HARD on me. Even the little things like being on the Go Train to work (public transit), it is likely someone remembers me from being pregnant last year and will want to ask me about my child... But I'm pretty sure the answer I have to give isn't what they want to hear, and definitely not what they are expecting to hear.
On the superficial side, I don't even fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes even though I lost all my weight months ago. My shirts are too short, and my hips are slightly too wide. I need a bunch of new clothes, since it's been nearly a year since I wore my regular clothing and I don't like any of it anymore. But I ask myself whether it's worth buying new clothes, all the while hoping they won't fit me in another couple of months? Do I buy new maternity clothing? What a weird thing to do, but at the same time, if Scott and I get what we want I will be pregnant-ish each time I head back to work for the next several years. So why buy new non-maternity dress clothes, right?
I hate that this is something I even have to think about. I should be worried about tummy time, and getting into a sleep schedule... FML.
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