Monday, March 14, 2011

Caught up

Sometimes I get so caught-up in the day-to-day moments of life, I forget. I'll be laughing and joking around with my husband, things entirely as they were before our lives were shattered.

  • I forget that I'm not on vacation from work, taking time to paint and update things around the house.
  • I forget the dynamic of my relationship with my husband is stronger not just because we love eachother and get along so well, but also because we are working through something incredibly difficult.
  • While I am so excited at the prospect of becoming pregnant again, I forget sometimes how very hard this next baby might be to carry knowing it wouldn't have been here (yet) if we hadn't lost Jack.
  • I forget what it is to look forward to something without the feeling that it could all go terribly, terribly wrong.
  • I forget what being oblivious, naive, and blind to all the worst things in the world feels like.
  • I forget that people who don't know us see us as a young married couple. They have no idea we have experienced, first hand, the very worst thing which can happen to you, no matter how old you grow.
  • I forget I don't need to follow along the newborn blogs, because they aren't applicable to my life. Instead, they are growing examples of what I do not have.
  • I forget I ever held a 7lb boy who was entirely ours. Still seems like such a dream.
  • I forget that I'm heartbroken.


My New Normal said...

I wish I could get that feeling of looking forward to something without feeling like it could all go terribly wrong back. Sadly, I'm sure that neither of us will ever be able to do that again.

lissasue3 said...

It's so hard to see friends with babies Charlotte's age. I'd like to say it gets easier but it doesn't. I still cringe when I see a FB update about how so-and-so is 4 months old. That means my baby has been dead for 4 months.
((hugs)) to you.
PS - I got some of those gummy vitamins. I'm not taking iron until someone tells me to. Tired of the nausea!

Holly said...

Laura I wish I could take away the hurt for you. We're here.

Dana said...

It's strange when that stage hits. It always goes away again, but it is strange when you catch yourself acting almost normal and then it hits you. I often walk around and see people looking at me and thinking that they'd never guess that I gave birth to a dead baby, signed forms to permit an autopsy and cremation, and buried him. I look normal to them. Then I wonder how many of the people I'm looking at have been through something similar.

I met a group of baby loss Mom's in Toronto 2 weeks ago (the Face2Face should come to the next one!) and we were all sitting at the table crying at one point and the waitress came up and asked if we were OK, in terms of drinks. I'm sure she'd never guess what we were all crying about.

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