Thursday, March 24, 2011

Caulking and other drama

I found something I dislike more than I dislike all the painting I've been doing around here. It's caulking, and it sucks. Mostly, it sucks because if you have too thick of a bead of caulking you get smears and it's hard to control. Too little and you get gaps, which you have to go back over and fill- risking the thick bead.. GAH. Rinse & repeat.

Today is a beautiful day here in Toronto. No idea what the temperature is, as I haven't stepped foot outside today (though I will have to venture to the grocery store later), but it looks cold. Still thinking about how I might have wheeled Jack out in his stroller, all tucked into the bassinet with all his blankets & that little sleeping bag-like thing for babies (the name escapes me).  I think about these things a lot when the sun is shining, and I think of them as Stroller Days.

I'm still sad, and thankfully a lot of my friends still remember.  It's funny how some people's great nature shines at times like this. I have many friends (brag, much? ha), but it seems like the ones I barely knew are some of the best ones at times like this. One such friend, a colleague from 6 years ago writes me randomly, once every couple of weeks to let me know she's thinking of us. Another, who is actually a friend of a friend writes me just as randomly to let me know she thinks of Jack every day and prays for us all. Very sweet that girl.

I was speaking to yet another friend briefly today, and she asked me how I stay positive. For the record, it's not all rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine around these parts.  I cry. I sob. I plead and beg for Jack back.  But I keep thinking to myself it won't always be like this. Yes, he will always be missing, and our lives will never be quite right.  But one day there will be another baby who lights up my life. One whose crusts I cut off of p&j sandwiches, one whose sloppy, drooling face I wipe. One who I bathe and tickle and kiss as I tuck him or her into bed at night.  Then, after that one baby, I hope there will be more.

I know these thing take time, and I know there are losses after losses (some people seem to have no luck if it weren't for bad luck). But I need to retreat to my blindly naive world sometimes and think that good things will eventually happen for us. I have to believe our next baby will be a take home and keep forever baby, even though that may not be the case. If I don't believe in it, it can never happen... What's that Wayne Gretzky quote everyone always screws up? "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".

So I keep taking the shots, even though they won't all hit the net. They won't all come close. I'm sure I'll take some penalties and have to sit in the penalty box from time to time. I know I'm offside a lot.. Okay, enough hockey references, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. :)

But when I'm feeling especially sad and lonely for that boy I once held, I think to myself... A year or so from now I will be here. I'll be drinking coffee, holding a snuggly little baby in my arms.  I'll always remember, and I'll never forget what losing Jack was like. But I will be happy again. It has to happen.

10 comments:

B. Wilson said...

Caulking. No thanks. Sounds like hell.

Called a Bundle Me? We have one for our stroller.

I've always liked that quote. It's totally right. Risks are worth taking. You'll never experience richness unless you take a risk getting there. The rewards are so sweet.

Oh, and to make fun of being Canadian... just have to comment that of course you referenced hockey. bahahaha.

p.s. You're a great writer!

LauraJane said...

Of course it's a Bundle Me. We have a couple of them actually.. One light-weight summery one, and one for the deep, dark cold nights here in our igloo. hahaha :)

I think I could be a better writer if I bothered to proof read... ha. :)

Kelly said...

I personally love your hockey references cuz I'm a big hockey fan. :)

Some of the most random friends I have have really been amazing through this time. People I didn't think would step forward have and continue to. It's been surprising and amazing.

Molly said...

Don't know much about caulking or hockey (ha!), but I do know about those darn stroller days. My friend and I were strolling the toddlers on Monday, and I remarked to her that the last time we went strolling last summer, we were talking about how we would walk together when I had a double stroller in tow. Very sad that I never had to figure it out. I hope and pray we'll all be having stroller days this time next year! Hoepfully, we'll all still blog sbout it and keep in touch during the happy times, too! :)

TanaLee Davis said...

Hi there,
my name is Felicia. I am a new follower to your blog. Found you from another BLM blog. I am so sorry for your loss and I can only hope good things for your future. I too have lost my first born. Mine was a girl, TanaLee. You can feel free to follow my journey to a rainbow and remembering my first at www.tanaleedavis.blogspot.com
Thank you for sharing your life so openly, if it weren't for mom's like you I would feel small and without someone to relate to.
~Felicia

Holly said...

Laura I am so proud of you. Proud you are sharing your story, proud to call you a friend and proud of the mom you are.

New Year Mum said...

You will be happy again... and that happiness will feel so special because you will have one of your little angels in your arms and Jack watching over you. Thinking of you and looking forward to being with you in a years time to share all the happy stories while remembering our Jack, Gabrielle and all the other angel babies out there xoxo

Shell said...

LauraJane,
Today was a stroller day here too. I have a neighbor who had a little boy about three weeks before Leia arrived and everyday she is out with him. It is so hard to see her moving on and him growing. I hope we both have stroller days for ourselves very soon. Hugs, Shelly

LookItsJessica said...

LauraJane--

I have similar feelings sometimes. At this point in this "journey" its possible to fill a small blog post each day with somewhat happy or normal things but there are lots of sobs and enormously sad parts to life too. I guess thats how life becomes once we realize this is how life will be lived day after day and the shock wears away and we have to simply deal with it.

My New Normal said...

You definitely will be happy again. Even if you're still a little bit sad too.

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