I found something I dislike more than I dislike all the painting I've been doing around here. It's caulking, and it sucks. Mostly, it sucks because if you have too thick of a bead of caulking you get smears and it's hard to control. Too little and you get gaps, which you have to go back over and fill- risking the thick bead.. GAH. Rinse & repeat.
Today is a beautiful day here in Toronto. No idea what the temperature is, as I haven't stepped foot outside today (though I will have to venture to the grocery store later), but it looks cold. Still thinking about how I might have wheeled Jack out in his stroller, all tucked into the bassinet with all his blankets & that little sleeping bag-like thing for babies (the name escapes me). I think about these things a lot when the sun is shining, and I think of them as Stroller Days.
I'm still sad, and thankfully a lot of my friends still remember. It's funny how some people's great nature shines at times like this. I have many friends (brag, much? ha), but it seems like the ones I barely knew are some of the best ones at times like this. One such friend, a colleague from 6 years ago writes me randomly, once every couple of weeks to let me know she's thinking of us. Another, who is actually a friend of a friend writes me just as randomly to let me know she thinks of Jack every day and prays for us all. Very sweet that girl.
I was speaking to yet another friend briefly today, and she asked me how I stay positive. For the record, it's not all rainbows, unicorns, and sunshine around these parts. I cry. I sob. I plead and beg for Jack back. But I keep thinking to myself it won't always be like this. Yes, he will always be missing, and our lives will never be quite right. But one day there will be another baby who lights up my life. One whose crusts I cut off of p&j sandwiches, one whose sloppy, drooling face I wipe. One who I bathe and tickle and kiss as I tuck him or her into bed at night. Then, after that one baby, I hope there will be more.
I know these thing take time, and I know there are losses after losses (some people seem to have no luck if it weren't for bad luck). But I need to retreat to my blindly naive world sometimes and think that good things will eventually happen for us. I have to believe our next baby will be a take home and keep forever baby, even though that may not be the case. If I don't believe in it, it can never happen... What's that Wayne Gretzky quote everyone always screws up? "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take".
So I keep taking the shots, even though they won't all hit the net. They won't all come close. I'm sure I'll take some penalties and have to sit in the penalty box from time to time. I know I'm offside a lot.. Okay, enough hockey references, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. :)
But when I'm feeling especially sad and lonely for that boy I once held, I think to myself... A year or so from now I will be here. I'll be drinking coffee, holding a snuggly little baby in my arms. I'll always remember, and I'll never forget what losing Jack was like. But I will be happy again. It has to happen.
21 hours ago