Saturday, March 26, 2011

I want him back.

It hurts too much.  I miss him too much. I just want him back.

I want to feel his warm little body, kiss his tummy, his face, his fingers. I want to lie with him on my chest.

I want to change his diapers. He wasn't alive long enough for his umbilical cord to fall off- he had a clamp on the whole time. I'm sad about that too. I wanted to see whether he would have an innie or an outie. I want to kiss that too.

Another Stroller Day. Another one without him.

I don't even dream of him.  Even in my dreams, I'm sad and missing my baby.  I thought dreams were supposed to be happy and hopeful.

My husband has dreams of another little boy, but not Jack.  A cute little baby boy, but not as cute as Jack.  He sees the other little boy, he knows that he is ours. But it's not Jack.

It can never be Jack. That's sad.

8 comments:

Kelly said...

:( I could have written the same thing. ((hugs))

B. Wilson said...

I think about your little munchkin's face a lot. It was so darn cute! I wish he were back, too. It's stupid. Sucks. Lame. Awful. Frustrating. Sad. Bullshit.

New Year Mum said...

My heart goes out to you... I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through. Love always xoxo

Sherri said...

I wish that you could have him back too... this is such a horrible ride. I have yet to dream about my angel in a good way either.....
Hugs

Becky said...

Thank you for your nice comment on my blog. Our situations are not the same but you are right about understanding the pain and loss of our dreams with our babies.
I don't really dream of Liam either,and every dream I have had that comes close or has a baby in it has been closer to a nightmare then happy or hopeful,
It'll never be Liam as well as it will never be Jack and as B. Wilson said- its Bullshit-it really is. XOXO
Thinking of you

LookItsJessica said...

I actually find it comforting that I am sad in my dreams. To me it means that our subconscious is processing how important and life-altering our babies are. Thats just my take on it.

Brooke Slusser said...

I know. Some days I can't even stand it. I miss him soo badly!! :(

Natalie Ross said...

Oh bless you heart. I know your pain all too well. I miss my Maddie Grace so much. If we could just hold them one more time.
Praying for you.
Natalie Ross

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