Tuesday, March 29, 2011

NICU Nightmares

As much as I try to remember the good times we had with Jack, my mind often drifts back to our time at SickKids.  I remember when we first heard whispers of being transferred there, I was relieved he would be seen by some of the best doctors in the world. It still hadn't occurred to me he was being transferred there because he was dying.  I guess my mind wasn't letting me go there, even though he had coded, and been intubated and was unconscious.  Looking back, they had told us they had heavily medicated him because he had suffered a seizure that morning and was in pain.  I thought his eyes were closed because of the medication, I didn't realize they would never open again.

The ambulance ride to SickKids went so quickly. I remember feeling giddy on the ride over as I've never been in one before and the sirens were blearing.  We went through a side entrance into the hospital, through some underground entrance so people couldn't see us. Scott drove from our first Toronto hospital to SickKids to meet us there, so it was just Jack + me + the two transportation ladies.

Originally they took us to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU), because the NICU was full. The nurses there were sweet, but the head Pediatric lady was a stone cold bitch who kept asking me the same questions, making me feel like I had done something wrong. Jack was referred for a CT Scan of his brain to monitor the swelling, so off he went.  While he was gone, Scott and I went to find our parents who we had called to let know of the situation. When Jack was back, he still had little tiny yellow ear pillows, meant to protect his ears from the loud CT Scan.

We were told the NICU had a spot for Jack, in isolation (because of the Meningitis which they still weren't sure of), so he was transferred there after about 4 hours in the PICU.

It's the little things I remember now.  Like all the tubes.  He had arm tubes all over his right arm, including a board to help support it all since he was so tiny. He had a breathing tube and another tube to remove liquids from his stomach. They did a great job of keeping that thing cleaned out and clear.  Over the course of his stay there, he had so many tubes and needles and everything, it was awful. He eventually had them in the side of his head as the others kept collapsing. Wanna see something heartbreaking? That's your shot right there.

His little hands were covered in bruises and puncture wounds from the needles. That really bothers me.

I remember the tiny circles meant to hold the various monitors on his body. They had different prints/objects on them and I would tell Jack what ones he had "collected" each time they changed (which happened often as the monitors would lose their stickiness). "Jack, you're a lucky boy! Today you have a ducky, a sail boat, a bear, a heart, and a doll. What a lucky boy you are to have all these nice things", I would tell him.

Gah, I'm crying too much to type... I'll try more later.

12 comments:

Kelly said...

So much of this is similar to what Adam went through. When you said Jack was having a seizure, I thought of when they told us Adam was seizing too and had a 102 fever when he came in. It really bothers me that he went through all he did. Sounds like Jack went through too much in his short little life too. I'll never understand this. ((hugs))

My New Normal said...

It sounds awful. I can see why remembering it makes you cry.

Sherri said...

I am so so sorry... and as sorry for myself as I was feeling the other night, I know in some ways, I was lucky to have lost Kristen in the way we did. No Mother should ever have to witness there baby going through that! I'm tearing up just thinking about what you must have been feeling. Please know that I'm thinking about you and Jack today!

LookItsJessica said...

LauraJane-- There are no words except how terribly sorry I am that you, Jack and Scott had to go through all of that. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you.

missliany said...

I wish I could reach through this coumputer and hug you right now.

Molly said...

Crying with you. OMG. I cannot imagine. It's hard enough to lose a child but to see him go through that has got to be even worse. oh, I am so sorry.

Shell said...

Thinking of you LauraJane. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that.

Cat said...

LauraJane I just found your blog. I am so so sorry for your journey. You sound so brave.

lissasue3 said...

(((hugs)))

TanaLee Davis said...

All this brings back memories of TanaLee, she too had LOTS of intervention and IV ect going. Isolation was also something I am familiar with...I didn't mind since it gave us a cozy room and privacy. I do however feel your pain of the flashbacks and all the ciaos swarming your child. Hugs from Oregon-
~Felicia

Becky said...

Oh my gosh that just sounds horrible, poor Jack and you guys to you have to have gone through so much in such a short time. hugs

lilsophie said...

You are brave to share your story so other grieving parents can know they are not alone. So sorry for your pain and suffering. You had/and STILL have a special little boy.
Love and Hugs to you!

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