Thursday, March 17, 2011

What I wouldn't do... And loving my husband.

What I wouldn't do to have this sweet head laying on my chest right now.

One of my very favourite photos of Jack
To watch my best girlfriend struggle to cuddle with my squirming little boy.

Shelley & Jack (love his expression here. Such a beautiful little guy)

To kiss, and stroke this bald little head.

Another favourite, cuddling up to his momma
I don't know about any of your other BLMs, but nighttime is the worst, yes?  I think it's the hardest time for me because if things had worked out differently, I wouldn't be going to bed at a reasonable hour... I would be in a rocking chair, cuddling my baby.  But I'm not, I'm lying there with my eyes open and my mind racing, thinking of all the things which should have been, but aren't.


On another note, tonight as we laid down to sleep (I couldn't fall asleep, hence the reason I am up writing this post), I felt compelled to asked my husband what he would do if he woke up in the morning and *poof*, I was gone. He said it wouldn't be good.  It wouldn't be good at all.  He's not sure he could pick himself back up again, he's too broken, and he can't imagine.  He's become (even more) affectionate with me since we lost Jack.  Telling me how much he loves me, how much I mean to him, how I am the reason for his very being now.  He tells me everyday. It's nothing new, I've known he has felt this way for years, but he now feels the need to say it.  He thinks Jack would want him to love his momma for him, to take care of me at Jack's request. 

I am so fortunate for this man. He is absolutely the love of my life, my rock, my soulmate, and the father of my child and all those children yet to come. These words are so cliche, but they are so damn true. When we were married in July 2009, we wrote our own vows.  The final lines of my vows to him elicited laughter and hooting and hollering from our guests. 

"I promise you a life full of love and laughter- and beautiful babies..."

During our Ceremony

I still do.  We still will.  We've had one beautiful baby, and we lost him.  But I swear there will be more to love, hold, and watch grow.   Lots more.

And when we do, I hope they all grow up to be just like their daddy.  I hope to be a good role model for my babies- show them what a marriage should look like. I want my sons to strive to be good men, and my daughters grow up to be strong women. I want them to have marriages full of passion and love and undying adoration and respect for the partners of their choosing.

Because after you've lost everything else, that's the only thing which matters.


LookItsJessica said...

Beautiful photos of your sweet Jack. Nighttime is weirdly peaceful for me-- once I started sleeping again, it is not as bad as morning. The mornings are my worst times.

Sherri said...

I love your wedding pictures, they're stunning! And the pictures of Jack are too precious for words! I'm like Jessica, it's waking up to the reality that hurts me the most.... I'm wishing you lots more beautiful babies! I always said that I'd have five if I could!!

Molly said...

Oh my! Beautiful pictures of your sweet boy and your wedding!! Treasures!

B. Wilson said...

So completely right on all levels. That's the only thing that matters. :)

I just wanna squeeze little Jack's cheeks! And you are stunning in those photos!

Kelly said...

Night time is the very worst! Adam passed at 8:45, so it makes it more hard.

Love your pictures of your Jack and of your wedding. So beautiful.

Lia Larson said...

He is a beautiful baby boy. I'm sorry for your loss.

Dana said...

The photos are all so beautiful.

I find nighttime and first thing in the morning the hardest. You wake up hoping that it was a nightmare and realize it wasn't. I've woken up because I hear a baby crying, but there is no baby. Then at night, I should be falling into bed exhausted, expecting to get up again soon. Even going out for a walk isn't great, because I should be pushing a stroller.

I'm so glad you have such a wonderful husband and relationship.

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