Thursday, April 14, 2011

Facing Reality

It's my MIL's birthday on Sunday. We're finding out what our obligations are.  To be honest, I'm not interested, my heart is just not in it. To have a family gathering is too much, someone- my favourite one, will be missing and it's going to be glaringly obvious. I'm anxious my nephew will ask me where my baby is.

Because I track these things, it will also be 1 year to the date when we conceived Jack. The very start of our beautiful boy.

My nephew turns 5 in a few weeks. I don't think I can handle being around a bunch of happy kids. Though I do love him, I just don't think I can swing it.  

For the first time in several years, my husband and I are contemplating spending Easter apart.  Me at my family dinner, and he at his.  Another family gathering, a Bumbo missing... I want nothing to do with it. I love his family, but I just can not do it.

I've decided not to celebrate my birthday this year. I'd rather go for dinner with Scott and skip the rest of the family stuff. Ditto on Mother's Day. I know we'll get resistance to this, but I just do.not.give.a.fuck. This isn't about them, it's about me and what I want.

The reality of this situation, that this will be a defining time in our lives, it's setting in now. I hate it. But it's the truth- we'll always be missing something. No matter what we do to change things, this is one thing which can't be changed it's OUR reality.

I want to be happy. I want to be hopeful. I am eternally optimistic and I know good things will happen and happy times will come again. I just want to fast forward to that time when my number's called, you know?

11 comments:

My New Normal said...

I think you need to do what you think you can handle. If it means spending Easter apart this year then so be it. Better to be with your family and happy than with his and miserable.

Sherri said...

I agree with New Normal... do what's best for you. My birthday was six days after Kristen was born.. or died.. whichever way you want to say it.. I always never know which term is best. Anyway... at the time I decided to have her service the day before my birthday, because I didn't want to be sad on my birthdays from then on.. HA! I now know that no matter which day I had her service, from now on.. that whole time of year will kind of suck.. and wish I had decided to share my day with her. Anyway.. I didn't want to celebrate either (go figure) and my family convinced me to at least go out to dinner, I was firm on no cake or gifts though. Since my parents were there from out of province, I did agree to the dinner part.
I'll be thinking about you over Easter, and you are right.. it's about you, and what you decide you can handle!
hugs!

Molly said...

LJ, I missed CHRISTMAS with my family for the first time EVER bc my new niece was going to be there and everyone was going to be celebrating and happy like nothing had happened. I just could not stomach that. My parents were not very understanding at all, but doing what I needed to do for me was the best decision I could've made. You have to put you first during this difficult time. I buried Hayes on my birthday, if that tells you anything about that day HA! You are so right--NO MATTER WHAT, SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS BE MISSING. It is so depressing to think about, but the truth nonetheless.

Shell said...

You need to think of yourself and do what makes you feel comfortable. A few weeks back a family member had a baptism for her daughter on the 27th...two months after our Leia's due date. Needless to say we didn't go. I don't think my family understood but oh well. I/we just couldn't do it. It would not have been any fun. There will always be our Leia missing.

Kelly said...

You do whatever you need to do! If it wasn't for Natalie, I would not celebrate a single holiday this first year. Nothing. I have to force myself to put on a happy face, put up decorations, and go see the Easter bunny for her. All the while, I'm thinking, Adam should be here with his little basket and getting a bunny picture with his sister. Ugh. Holidays can suck it.

B. Wilson said...

Ladies,

We can't expect these people to understand, but we don't need to cater to their interests, either. Just do what you feel is right for yourself. I'm convinced that it won't even be a big deal if we're missing because they aren't living through such gloomy lenses as we are right now (or forever). A nonchalant "We wish LJ could be here" and then off to talk about hockey.

I dread ALL holidays.

lissasue3 said...

I agree with Kelly. If it wasn't for Lorelei I'm not sure how much I'd be celebrating. Though I will say that we've done a few family gatherings (one being MIL's birthday one month after our loss) and they've been hard. Believe me when I say you should only do what you can handle but at the same time I can say that every gathering you attend, it gets easier to be there. (For me anyway, I don't assume that to be true for everyone.)

Tiffany said...

You do have to do what you feel is right for you. Everyone else will have an opnion but honestly, they don't matter. My husband and I are spending Easter apart also. I don't feel like showing up and putting on a happy face just to please people that haven't been a good source of support anyways. I think we just have to do whatever we can get to through.

Becky said...

Do whatever feels right to you and not be concerned what family thinks. My husband will be gone for Easter for work and family lives to far away to be with them, but truthfully I wouldn't want to be with them anyway because there would be my nephews and my cousins newborn and I couldn't handle that. Liam will always be missing from that and holidays will never be the same.

Brooke said...

I am dreading all the holidays--especially with my husband's family because they deal with denial and will be relentlessly happy. I'm trying to figure out how I can tell my mom happy mother's day without acknowledging mother's day at all... I know I'm skipping the card and I think I'll just order her something from etsy (LOVE the pillows on your last post). Fortunately we're spending Easter at the Church of Baseball--we bought Cardinals tickets ages ago, not realizing it was Easter Sunday. Guess ONE thing in our lives worked out...

Dana said...

Family gatherings and holidays are so difficult. There is always someone missing, but it somehow seems magnified when the whole family is together. I hope that it wasn't too hard.

About your birthday and mother's day. Do what you need to do. We usually all go to my Mom's church on Mother's Day with her. I went last year and got a rose because I was pregnant (all the Mom's get one). I told Ted yesterday that there is no way that I'm going this year and I got tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I know it will upset my Mom, but I have to save myself.

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