I know there was a lot of talk last week about not holding another baby until you have another of yours in your arms again. I love the idea behind it, the connectivity from your baby to your next baby. The only problem? I already did it. I held another baby in the weeks after Jack was born, a friend's 6 month old son. I "ruined" the whole connectivity.
And then, on Friday, I visited with a friend who had a little girl a couple weeks after we lost Jack. And I held her. I bounced her, I rocked her. I even kissed her head (yes, I'm THAT creepy friend). She smiled at me, and I smiled back.
I thought, before I arrived, that the very act of seeing her would break my heart. She is, almost exactly, a replica of what I do not have. Except she's not Jack, and will never be Jack. I surprised myself at not being jealous as I thought I might be. She weighed nearly twice what Jack weighed, and was much more alert than Jack was. There weren't really any similarities, but maybe this is because she's no longer a newborn? She was using her last size 1 diaper before moving onto size 2. Jack never even came close to leaving NB sized diapers. In the NICU, they used size 1s- they were SWIMMING on him. Funny the little things you remember...
We went for a walk, baby in her stroller being pushed by her mama. I don't think I could have pushed her around, I think THAT is my sacred thing. You know how I feel about stroller days, yes? Yeh, that would have been too much for me. She was in her car seat being pushed around- the exact same model as we have for Jack. That didn't make me jealous- I dream of pushing future McBabes around in the bassinet portion in the stroller- this is a huge part of why I bought my particular model. Jack "slept" in his bassinet from the stroller, this will be the connection, I guess.
And of course the love. The unabashed love I will feel for the little man or little lady who will call my womb home for 9 months. I'd really like him or her to chose to get in there soon (surprised?). My husband and I joke there's likely a crudely carved, "Jack was here, 2010" as well as an arrow pointing down which would read "do NOT, under any circumstances, exit here", for the next baby to see. ha ha. Tips from the big brother. :)
BTW, 1 year ago today we conceived Jack. I just mentioned this to my husband who replied with, "I still can't believe he's gone". Hmm. :(
Now, onto the most random question: Does anyone else experience fantom "movement"? I have woken up a couple times this week feeling like I have a baby elbow, foot, or knee kicking me. So weird. I'm not pregnant, so that's weird, right? I like to think it's Jack, reminding me he was here. :)
21 hours ago