Friday, April 1, 2011

How I wish you were Three months old.

I can't believe it.

Three months ago today, at 6:32pm our Jack was born after 26 hours of labour following which we had an emergency C.

Scott was so bothered by the fact I was in such pain while labouring (I had to lie on my left side to keep J's heartbeat up, therefore causing the epidural to pool there. My right side was not numbed at all), he looked like he might throw up. I remember telling him at that time it would all be worth it once we had our little man in our hands.

And it was. Every last second.

It's hard for me to think the Laura and Scott of that moment had no idea that this would be the result.  It is unbelievable to me to know that 3 months ago he wasn't born yet, and 3 months later he's been gone for nearly as long. A year ago we hadn't yet conceived him. He was still the proverbial twinkle in our eyes.

To think that we have lost him, and he isn't safely in my arms right now. To think I could miss someone I barely even knew this much. To know this kind of pain.

Unfathomable.

I have no idea what it's like to have a three month old.  I wish I did.  I hope that a year from now I do.  But in this moment, the one right here, I know what it's is to have had and then have lost the most precious thing to me.

I hope monthly birthdays are huge celebrations in heaven.

11 comments:

Kelly said...

((hugs)) I was just telling someone yesterday that Adam would almost be 5 months old. It's sooooo weird to think that not even 5 months ago I was pregnant. Pregnant. It's weird to know that it wasn't that long ago and yet I have no baby to show for it. It is the weirdest, most indescribable feeling that I'm sure you feel, too. I also hope their monthly celebrations are awesome!

B. Wilson said...

Pregnancy seems soooo long ago! Ugh. And I'd have a 4-month old baby boy. I'm angry today... so picture me saying lots of expletives. :(

Sherri said...

Here's hoping that you do have a 3 month old a year from now too.
I feel exactly the same way about every second being worth it. I wish the outcome had been different, but would I erase that chapter of my life? Not a chance!

Molly said...

Unfathomable is the only word for it.

Natalie Ross said...

My heart breaks for you. I hate that you are feeling this way. I feel this way too. Maddie Grace would have been 3 months on the 6th. Seems so sad that instead of changing over to the next size in clothing, we are just sitting here missing them and wondering what they would have been like. It breaks my heart.
Praying for you and that God gives you strength.
Love, Natalie

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry you never got your time with your baby. It's not fair. Unfathomable is only thing that even comes close to describing it. I like to think month birthdays are a big celebrations up there. Thinking of you!

My New Normal said...

I hope they are too and that our babies are all partying together.

Becky said...

3 months without my little boy for me will be this Sunday. It really is hard to imagine what it would be like to have a baby right now, let alone a 3 month old. Definitely unfathomable!
I pray a year from now you will be celebrating 3 months, along with many more months of celebrating to follow.

TanaLee Davis said...

Days like this are tough and I hope it gets gentle to your soul. Thinking of you mama.
~Felicia

New Year Mum said...

You did know him so well... every second of your pregnancy and after he was born - he's part of your heart and soul forever. I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through and my heart goes out to you xoxo

lilsophie said...

So sorry your hurting! My heart breaks for you and all the special mommies who've loved and lost.

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