I probably cried 5 times during our 2 hours together. I just can not get a grip on my grief today, I am hyper-emotional right now.
We talked about my returning to work next month and how hard that's going to be for me. How I am truly returning to work 8 months too early. It's going to be awful. I just know I'm going to be an absolute wreck.
And then, Kelly mentioned in her post today that May 8th is Mother's Day. Fuck. Here's how that first week is going to go for me:
May 5th 2010 I found out we were expecting.
May 7th I turn the ripe old age (ha) of 29.
May 8th I celebrate (read: bawl) Mother's Day.
I drag my ass out of bed before 10am return to work.
May 11th I cry all day at work because it's been another month since I held my boy.
I know I'm going to get a lot of compassion, love, and tears from people. I'm also likely to be on the receiving end of many pitiful looks and some shitty comments. I think I've written here before about one of the ladies I work with having lost her husband to cancer last year. Man, that sucks. I would never discount the grief she must have about losing her partner, those are shoes I would not want to walk in for a million bucks. But you would think that she would understand grief better than anyone, right? Not so much, when she found out about our loss, she commented to a mutual friend that I am "lucky because I have my husband to go through this grief with"... WTF?
I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt right now as she's wrapped up in her own cycle of grief and likely didn't realize what she was saying... But if she says it to me when I am back, after having had time to digest what it is I might be going though, I will not be able to withhold my words. I will giver her a verbal lashing of a lifetime. I realize I'm fortunate to have my husband- God knows I know that. But to think what she has been through is somehow "worse" than my loss. That makes me want to scream, "Fuck You!" at the top of my lungs!
(simmer Laura, simmer)
Changing thought process, I bought a new purse today to cheer myself up. This is the one:
|Hilary Radley Metric, Spring '11|
It's a cute tote bag and I figured it would come in handy for hauling my stuff to and from work. I've always resisted tote bags because I feel like they become a dumping ground for receipts and paper (like, um, all my other purses) but I really liked the metallic colour of it and the way it hangs slouchily.
I also justified it to myself by thinking I could use it as a fancier diaper bag with the change pad thing I own. <-- Optimism peeking through again. Sigh.
I hope you all have a great weekend!