Friday, April 8, 2011

I just can't stop crying.

I met a friend for brunch today. She's toting around her 8 month old gorgeous little girl with her, and a toddler at daycare. I couldn't help but see her baby as a concrete example of what I do not have. Her baby was born August 1st, and she told me she thinks of Jack on the 1st of every month as she celebrates another month with her baby... and I have yet another month without mine.

I probably cried 5 times during our 2 hours together. I just can not get a grip on my grief today, I am hyper-emotional right now.

We talked about my returning to work next month and how hard that's going to be for me.  How I am truly returning to work 8 months too early. It's going to be awful. I just know I'm going to be an absolute wreck.

And then, Kelly mentioned in her post today that May 8th is Mother's Day. Fuck.  Here's how that first week is going to go for me:

May 5th 2010 I found out we were expecting.
May 7th I turn the ripe old age (ha) of 29.
May 8th I celebrate (read: bawl) Mother's Day.
May 9th I drag my ass out of bed before 10am return to work.
May 11th I cry all day at work because it's been another month since I held my boy. 

I know I'm going to get a lot of compassion, love, and tears from people. I'm also likely to be on the receiving end of many pitiful looks and some shitty comments. I think I've written here before about one of the ladies I work with having lost her husband to cancer last year. Man, that sucks. I would never discount the grief she must have about losing her partner, those are shoes I would not want to walk in for a million bucks. But you would think that she would understand grief better than anyone, right? Not so much, when she found out about our loss, she commented to a mutual friend that I am "lucky because I have my husband to go through this grief with"... WTF? 

I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt right now as she's wrapped up in her own cycle of grief and likely didn't realize what she was saying... But if she says it to me when I am back, after having had time to digest what it is I might be going though, I will not be able to withhold my words. I will giver her a verbal lashing of a lifetime.  I realize I'm fortunate to have my husband- God knows I know that. But to think what she has been through is somehow "worse" than my loss. That makes me want to scream, "Fuck You!" at the top of my lungs!

(simmer Laura, simmer)

Changing thought process, I bought a new purse today to cheer myself up. This is the one:

Hilary Radley Metric, Spring '11
It's a cute tote bag and I figured it would come in handy for hauling my stuff to and from work. I've always resisted tote bags because I feel like they become a dumping ground for receipts and paper (like, um, all my other purses) but I really liked the metallic colour of it and the way it hangs slouchily. 

I also justified it to myself by thinking I could use it as a fancier diaper bag with the change pad thing I own.  <-- Optimism peeking through again. Sigh.  

I hope you all have a great weekend!



lissasue3 said...

Um, woooooooowwww. Your co-worker is an asshole. The loss of child is the worst kind of loss. Yes, it's nice to have your husband to grieve BY, but your grief is separate from his. We can be there for each other but to actually help your spouse is almost impossible. I'm fired up by her comment so I'll stop.

Cute purse!

LookItsJessica said...

Ooo Laura it looks like we have a similar sense of style, very cute purse!

On to the more important stuff: I'm so sorry you had to be around a baby today. I love babies so much but they are just too much for me right now. I just look at them and think of what Liam would have looked like and get sad/envious.

That first week or two in May will be tough (very much so), but we will all be thinking of you and sending you support.

TanaLee Davis said...

Laura I feel your pain.
My mom told me to "Just get over it," as I talked about triggers. She watched in the back ground as my life came crashing down...the moment my daughters life ended, she was there. she now tells me, "it's time you get over it." I ripped into her like you wouldn't believe especially since i'm the non-confrontational type but I have had it with comments like that. It has been just under a year...NO I am not over "it" and I never will be.....simmer down. lol

As for your bag, way cute! and yes it will make a cute diaper bag someday soon. :)

New Year Mum said...

Sorry that you're heading back to work around Mother's Day... don't forget that you are a mother too and that all us BLMs are with you for this difficult day. Love the handbag - what a great thing to help cheer you up. Love always xoxo

Kelly said...

Sorry for the reminder about Mother's Day, my dear. :( Your co-worker sucks! Yes, she probably is wrapped up in her own grief, but that does not make it ok to discount yours. I've said it so many times in my blog, this is not a competition!!!! I think losing a baby is the worst kind of loss cuz it's unnatural, but I would NEVER say to someone that had another loss, at least you have your kids. It's just disgraceful. Anyway, love your bag! I recommend more gifts to yourself in May. :)

Becky said...

Wow that was really shitty of that lady comparing your losses like that and making you feel like yours isn't as equally as important or as difficult to live with. Does she have kids?
May sounds really rough, I know many of us will be thinking of you that week and trying to send as much support as we can
Cute bag/ diaper bag!

Sherri said...

People can be so inconsiderate!! I hope that they can keep stupid thoughts like that to themselves, so that you can ease back into your worklife!
Sorry that May is going to be so rough! I'll be thinking of you for sure!

My New Normal said...

Very cute bag. I highly approve of retail therapy. Sometimes you just need to do something for you!!!

book fish said...

Laura: People are so shitty. I'm just very angry too. I hope you will somehow manage to get past the horrible May week. I hope little Jack's memory will give you some strength. Am so sorry for (myslef, you & all other baby loss mommas) that we are put through this. Tears.

Molly said...

OMG, now I want to come thru the screen to hug you! :) Uh, yeah. First part of May is going to SUCK for you. This was another heartbreaking post. I think about you all the time (now who's creepy?!? hahaha!). It is so brave of you to go back to work. I could not face stupidity like that every day. I seriously hope she was just speaking out of her ass for a minute and realized how wrong she is. If that bitch says anything to you, I know some BLMs that would love to kick her ass!! :) LOVE, LOVE the bag!!! Metallics are my fav, and who doesn't love a big ass tote that they can lose stuff in?! ha! Take care. Thinking of you!

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