No, I'm not talking periods. I only wanted the one and now I don't want another for a year (you know, so I spend the time making/growing a McBabe), please and thank you.
I'm referring to this time of the month, between the 1st and the 11th. These anniversaries are awful and they bring me back to the days, just three short months ago when Jack was born, was well, got sick, was declared, and donated. Each of the dates is a reminder of what I had, and what I've lost.
I find myself particularly sad on the 1st, the 7th (when he had a stroke), the 8th (when the neurosurgeons told me there was nothing they could do, and his quality of life would be nil if he survived- which wasn't likely), the 9th when he was declared, and the 11th when he donated his liver and I held his sweet body for the last time. Each of these days is so hard. I feel like a scar has been torn open, and I'm wounded again.
Initially, when I was still counting in the days since I'd lost time, the actually days of the week bothered me to no end. Each a constant reminder. But that's somewhat dissipated and I'm really only broken on the anniversaries. I'm thankful for the little amount of peace which comes with it.
In truth, the days leading up to the anniversary of Jack's birth are really hard on me too. I start preparing myself to feel utterly devastated again, and I cry easily at these times. I'm dreading my birthday next month which falls on the 7th, knowing I'll be both celebrating my birthday (the first of many without him) and also remembering what happened on that day 4 months prior. :(
A few days after the 11th of each month I start to feel optimistic and a little like the prior version of myself, when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... I'm sure this reflects in my posting as well... But those days pass too quickly and I find myself seeing the 28th/29th/30/31st roll around on the calendar once again.
I wonder whether it will always be like this. I wonder whether I'll stop counting how many months he'd be the way the mothers of alive babies get to do. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I forget one of the monthly anniversaries...
Spring Break Stupor
1 day ago