Tuesday, April 5, 2011

It's that Time of the Month

No, I'm not talking periods. I only wanted the one and now I don't want another for a year (you know, so I spend the time making/growing a McBabe), please and thank you.

I'm referring to this time of the month, between the 1st and the 11th.  These anniversaries are awful and they bring me back to the days, just three short months ago when Jack was born, was well, got sick, was declared, and donated. Each of the dates is a reminder of what I had, and what I've lost.

I find myself particularly sad on the 1st, the 7th (when he had a stroke), the 8th (when the neurosurgeons told me there was nothing they could do, and his quality of life would be nil if he survived- which wasn't likely), the 9th when he was declared, and the 11th when he donated his liver and I held his sweet body for the last time. Each of these days is so hard. I feel like a scar has been torn open, and I'm wounded again.

Initially, when I was still counting in the days since I'd lost time, the actually days of the week bothered me to no end. Each a constant reminder. But that's somewhat dissipated and I'm really only broken on the anniversaries. I'm thankful for the little amount of peace which comes with it.

In truth, the days leading up to the anniversary of Jack's birth are really hard on me too. I start preparing myself to feel utterly devastated again, and I cry easily at these times.  I'm dreading my birthday next month which falls on the 7th, knowing I'll be both celebrating my birthday (the first of many without him) and also remembering what happened on that day 4 months prior. :(

A few days after the 11th of each month I start to feel optimistic and a little like the prior version of myself, when I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... I'm sure this reflects in my posting as well... But those days pass too quickly and I find myself seeing the 28th/29th/30/31st roll around on the calendar once again.

I wonder whether it will always be like this. I wonder whether I'll stop counting how many months he'd be the way the mothers of alive babies get to do. I wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I forget one of the monthly anniversaries...

9 comments:

Sherri said...

Sorry that there are so many days of utter sadness... I wish there were something I could say that would make it better.. but I know there isn't..
Just know that I'll be thinking about you and sweet baby Jack!
xoxoxo

Molly said...

I too stopped it with the days of the week, but you stopped sooner than me. That was five months in for me. I have a five-day span each month, which is a little more forgiving than yours. But, I too wonder if I'll always mourn the week so. It sure does suck to think about doing that for the rest of my life. Thinking of you during your "time".

Kelly said...

Goodness, I didn't know that Jack had a stroke. That is just so awful, and I'm so sorry you had to deal with that (and all of this).

I think your feelings about anniversaries and the weeks leading up to them are normal. At least I'd like to think so cuz I do the same. :) I also wonder if each month on the 11th and the 13th for as long as I live will be like this. I'd like to hope that eventually it will just be Nov 13th (his bday) and Jan 11th (the day he passed). I wish this was easier for you and all us!

My New Normal said...

We do what we need to. So maybe someday you won't need to count the months anymore and you won't. Or maybe you will always need to. Either way is ok as long as you're ok with it.

LauraJane said...

@ Kelly. Jack had a stroke, then coded. They think he had a seizure in there somewhere too, along with a blood clot... FML.

Kelly said...

Indeed. Babies having strokes? It should be illegal.

Becky said...

I can see how that one week would definitely be hard on you, a lot happened and I think its normal to start worrying on the days leading up to that week
Thinking about you and Jack often

Tiffany said...

I too find anniversaries haunting. every month I tell myself, I don't care- it's just another day. But every month, I am a mess. My heart knows. Yours does too. Ellie died on the 25th but got sick on the 24th, and for me, the 24th is the worst. I'm so sorry that you have so many bad anniversaries. It's not fair. No Momma should ever have to deal with any of this. Thinking of you!

Emily said...

Hey,
Yes Lori works at SK. If you go back on my blog, I used to be an NICU nurse at the unit where your Jack was. I worked there until I had to go on bed rest for my first pregnancy. I haven't been able to go back, although I still work in the building, just on another floor. I miss the NICU, but it just would not be a healthy place for me at this point in my life. Lori is wonderful and I hope she was helpful to you in the time that you spent in the NICU. I'm very glad she's my friend and colleague.

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