Sunday, April 10, 2011


Every Sunday morning, for roughly 4 years now, I slip quietly out of bed and to my computer.  I adore checking out the latest PostSecret to see what confessions have been made that week.

Original Book
PostSecret is a website which publishes photos of postcards mailed to Frank Warren, the creator the website. It started as a social experiment for a program he was enrolled in- he handed out blank post cards and asked the recipients of these blank cards to confide their biggest secret, decorate the card as they wished, and mail it to him. The result of this project was astounding, and thus Frank created the website, to share in the secrets. It continues to this day.

Every week, a new batch is released. There are books made out of these secrets, and people who buy them often find secrets tucked into the pages by other browsers of the books. I hoped I would receive a special secret of my own when I received one of his books for my birthday a few years back. It's kinda like Charlie searching for the golden ticket, exciting!

It used to be my hope I would find a PostSecret directed at me, posted on the website. I never have, and likely never will.

I've thought about what I might write, if I were to confess my deepest secrets. I'm a pretty open person, not too many secrets and certainly no skeleton's in my closet.

Up until Jack was conceived, I remember thinking that if I were ever to submit a secret, it would be something along the lines of "I've always wanted to be the one who got away"... I mean, who wouldn't want to be? I like to think I am, for at least one of my prior boyfriends, but still... It's a funny think to keep a secret about, no?

Some secrets have resonated with me much more than others, especially now after having, and having lost Jack.  Here are some I found through the power of Google:

Now, I wonder what my "secret" would be.  I feel like I kind of lay my cards on the table when I post here, so I'm not sure what I would say if I knew no one would ever find out.

I do know when Jack was first home with us (when he was still healthy, to our knowledge) and he wasn't sleeping I wished I had gotten pregnant a month later than I did so that I would still be sleeping instead of being up tired and miserable with him. I realize this is likely a common reaction after you give birth, you're exhausted and aren't making sense. But I feel guilty for even thinking that after we lost him, I felt guilty as soon as I thought it. Maybe that would be my secret?

I also remember, after we found out Jack wasn't going to make it, thinking "I knew this would happen", like I had a premonition it wouldn't work out for us. Even though we wanted Jack so badly, and I had imagined what our "new" life would be like with him in it, it's almost like I didn't believe it would happen... So when we found out he wasn't going to make it,  it's as though I wasn't that surprised, even though I was obviously devastated. I could write that. I feel guilty for that.

But mostly, I think of the first postsecret written here. How I barely even know him, but yet he will always be the one I miss the most in the world, for all of the remainder of my life.  

What would you write? What would your secret be?


Kelly said...

I would write, "What was the point of ensuring a healthy pregnancy if you were gonna be taken away anyway as an infant." Ugh.

I had similar thoughts like you did. Adam bruised really easily, and there was no explanation as to where the bruises came from. He was only ever in our care and we watched Natalie like a hawk around him. I thought the worst--what if he had leukemia or something. I starting thinking, my god, what if he's really sick and what if he dies. And then he died for separate reasons. It makes me shiver.

Anonymous said...

My secret would be, I've never finished decorating a wall I had plans for in Lil' Sophie's nursery. I'm afraid to see it to completion because some how I relate that to "the end" of her journey. And if I leave it unfinished - in a twisted way I feel like we are not done with this battle yet and have something to look forward to.

And if I finish it and then lose her, then I've less I will need to take down and tear apart in removing the nursery. I know its silly and stupid. But I can't help it.

I'm reminded of how grateful I am of having another day to hold my baby when there are so many of you who would give anything for the same opportunity with yours. I think about your loss daily and my heart goes out to you. But my gratefulness does not come without an underlying dread in tow - that Lil' Sophie will lose her battle of survival and it continually plagues me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

I've not told anyone about her room. My own husband doesn't know why it's not finished. Although he would say it's because we've been in and out of the hospital too much to get it done. And I let him believe that.

lissasue3 said...

I feel like I never knew Charlotte. It's almost like all of last year was a dream slash nightmare - not real. And it seems that thinking that way is keeping me "sane".

Becky said...

I'm not quite sure what exactly my little secret would be, but like you I feel a lot of guilt, so something relating to that for sure. I was a huge pessimist with my pregnancy before I was even pregnant I just had this feeling something was going to go wrong. Why I had those thoughts is beyond me, but the worst part is that I was right. My baby had Myelomemingocele and then died in surgery to correct it. I was devastated when both these things happened but like you said why was I thinking like I knew this was going to happen.

B. Wilson said...

I don't know what I would write, honestly. And if it was seriously secret, I wouldn't be putting my name next to it. ;)

As for the premonition, I feel the same. For some reason, the moment they told us Andrew had no heartbeat while I was laboring, I thought to myself in one of those shocking moments, "But of course." Why would I ever be so lucky to experience this the way it was expected? It felt too good to be true upon that first pregnancy test... and you know... it was.

Now the challenge to change that frame of mind in the future is something I'll be seriously working through.

New Year Mum said...

What an amazing project... I'd never heard of it before. Not sure what my secret would be but you've got me thinking. I will always miss Gabrielle with all my heart... I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through. Love to you always xoxo

book fish said...

I have many secrets and i think of them everyday. Thanks for telling about postsecrets.

Shell said...

I've heard of postsecrets but not checked it out in awhile. I am not sure what my secret would be. I'd really have to think about it.

TanaLee Davis said...

I love the post secrets. sounds fun to get into...thanks for telling me/us about it.

P.S- sorry it has taken me so long to respond.

Anonymous said...

You're a girl after my own heart! I read PostSecret every Sunday morning, as well.

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