Every week, a new batch is released. There are books made out of these secrets, and people who buy them often find secrets tucked into the pages by other browsers of the books. I hoped I would receive a special secret of my own when I received one of his books for my birthday a few years back. It's kinda like Charlie searching for the golden ticket, exciting!
It used to be my hope I would find a PostSecret directed at me, posted on the website. I never have, and likely never will.
I've thought about what I might write, if I were to confess my deepest secrets. I'm a pretty open person, not too many secrets and certainly no skeleton's in my closet.
Up until Jack was conceived, I remember thinking that if I were ever to submit a secret, it would be something along the lines of "I've always wanted to be the one who got away"... I mean, who wouldn't want to be? I like to think I am, for at least one of my prior boyfriends, but still... It's a funny think to keep a secret about, no?
Some secrets have resonated with me much more than others, especially now after having, and having lost Jack. Here are some I found through the power of Google:
Now, I wonder what my "secret" would be. I feel like I kind of lay my cards on the table when I post here, so I'm not sure what I would say if I knew no one would ever find out.
I do know when Jack was first home with us (when he was still healthy, to our knowledge) and he wasn't sleeping I wished I had gotten pregnant a month later than I did so that I would still be sleeping instead of being up tired and miserable with him. I realize this is likely a common reaction after you give birth, you're exhausted and aren't making sense. But I feel guilty for even thinking that after we lost him, I felt guilty as soon as I thought it. Maybe that would be my secret?
I also remember, after we found out Jack wasn't going to make it, thinking "I knew this would happen", like I had a premonition it wouldn't work out for us. Even though we wanted Jack so badly, and I had imagined what our "new" life would be like with him in it, it's almost like I didn't believe it would happen... So when we found out he wasn't going to make it, it's as though I wasn't that surprised, even though I was obviously devastated. I could write that. I feel guilty for that.
But mostly, I think of the first postsecret written here. How I barely even know him, but yet he will always be the one I miss the most in the world, for all of the remainder of my life.
What would you write? What would your secret be?