We went to look at a couple of houses yesterday to see whether anything piqued our interest.. Both were duds, but I no longer feel the urgent need or desire to move as I did immediately after losing Jack. At first I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and being in this house just reminded me of all the things we had hoped to do here (aka, raise our baby boy Jack). Because neither of us is desperate to move at this point, we're those really picky people now. I try to envision our lives in these houses, but so far I haven't been able to see it.
As time is passing, I find comfort in the same familiar surroundings. Jack's nursery is stuffed to the brim with all of his baby gear, etc., so the house itself isn't "babied" and doesn't make me catch my breath as I stroll from room to room... It's comfortable, for now. We're going to keep our options open though, so if the right house comes up, we'll move. If it doesn't, I'm content to stay put until we bring our next little man or little lady home. :) <--- Note blatant optimism peeking through my sadness.
Today, we did nothing. We went to brunch and we organized our walk-in closet (a glimpse into my plans for spring cleaning before I head back to work in a month). I put away my maternity clothes (no need to panic, they're easily accessible should we fall pregnant soon... and also if I happen to feel chubby).
I sorted through the collection of Jack stuff we still had in our bedroom which apparently evaded me when I did my initial removal of his things shortly after his passing... I found 4 pairs of baby mittens, 1 pair of baby socks, and a swaddler. I also came across a baby outfit and co-ordinating baby hat which I had hung in my side of the closet when I initially unpacked our bags from the hospital.
I felt a little funny walking them to his room, tucking them into his drawers or hanging them in his closet. I worry that I've removed too much of him from our room... Like if someone were to see our room and look through it (yikes, a weird though I will admit), would they know a baby was once here? I don't want to erase all evidence of our life with him, but sometimes it's too much to handle when I see his stuff around.
It's a weird thing, he never even used these things, but yet they are his.
Tonight, as we prepare for yet another week without him, I'm reminded of all the things I'm missing.
These chubby little cheeks.
|The night he was born... |
You can really tell he was a c-section baby here (note the round head!).
I miss these cuddles: