Sunday, April 3, 2011

Weekend happenings and things I'm missing.

The hubby and I had a lazy weekend.

We went to look at a couple of houses yesterday to see whether anything piqued our interest.. Both were duds, but I no longer feel the urgent need or desire to move as I did immediately after losing Jack.  At first I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, and being in this house just reminded me of all the things we had hoped to do here (aka, raise our baby boy Jack).  Because neither of us is desperate to move at this point, we're those really picky people now. I try to envision our lives in these houses, but so far I haven't been able to see it.

As time is passing, I find comfort in the same familiar surroundings. Jack's nursery is stuffed to the brim with all of his baby gear, etc., so the house itself isn't "babied" and doesn't make me catch my breath as I stroll from room to room... It's comfortable, for now. We're going to keep our options open though, so if the right house comes up, we'll move. If it doesn't, I'm content to stay put until we bring our next little man or little lady home. :) <--- Note blatant optimism peeking through my sadness.

Today, we did nothing. We went to brunch and we organized our walk-in closet (a glimpse into my plans for spring cleaning before I head back to work in a month). I put away my maternity clothes (no need to panic, they're easily accessible should we fall pregnant soon... and also if I happen to feel chubby).

I sorted through the collection of Jack stuff we still had in our bedroom which apparently evaded me when I did my initial removal of his things shortly after his passing... I found 4 pairs of baby mittens, 1 pair of baby socks, and a swaddler. I also came across a baby outfit and co-ordinating baby hat which I had hung in my side of the closet when I initially unpacked our bags from the hospital.

I felt a little funny walking them to his room, tucking them into his drawers or hanging them in his closet. I worry that I've removed too much of him from our room... Like if someone were to see our room and look through it (yikes, a weird though I will admit), would they know a baby was once here? I don't want to erase all evidence of our life with him, but sometimes it's too much to handle when I see his stuff around.

It's a weird thing, he never even used these things, but yet they are his.

Tonight, as we prepare for yet another week without him, I'm reminded of all the things I'm missing.

Specifically:

These chubby little cheeks.
The night he was born...
You can really tell he was a c-section baby here (note the round head!).
This sweet little tounge and yawn.

Day 2
I miss these cuddles:
Cat Nap.
I miss my boy.  I miss the life we should have had together.  I'm watching all of these stroller days roll past me.  Not yet, I can't enjoy them yet.

8 comments:

Kelly said...

He is so beautiful, and I'm loving that snuggly picture! I only have 2 pics of just me and Adam cuz I'm the one that takes the pictures. I wish I had some more, but I guess I should be grateful that I have any. I feel the same way you do about his belongings--never used it but still his. So hard to put things away but so hard to see the reminders. And even putting them away is a reminder of where things once were and should still be. Ugh. ((hugs))

LookItsJessica said...

Aww handsome Jack! It's funny you should post about sorting through Jack's things in your room. I did the same thing a few days ago in our room, with Liam's things. It was hard but the organization helped in the end, I think.

New Year Mum said...

Such a beautiful photo of you together. It must be so hard to put his things away... but also hard to see them during the day. My eyes tear up when I see the one little jumpsuit that I'd bought Gabrielle before she passed away at 20 weeks... I can only imagine a fraction of what you're going through seeing so many of his things with so many hopes. Nice to hear a tiny bit of optimism in your words re having a future brother or sister for your darling Jack xoxo

Molly said...

Wow. All of the photos are precious,but I lost it on the last one. I know you have different and additional struggles than us stillbirth moms, such as seeing him sick in the hospital (which I cannot even begin to imagine!), but you are also so blessed to have had a few days with happy times and memories. And these photos!!! I know you will never have enough, but the ones you have are amazing. I know Jack knew he was loved. I would love to have been able to tell Hayes he was, too. Ugh. Thinking of you tonight.

My New Normal said...

He is beautiful.

LauraJane said...

@Molly,

We definitely have different struggles, Brandy and I have talked about that a lot too. I am so fortunate for every. single. second I had with him, even the bad. He really did make me a mother, in the short time we had with him. I am so happy to have photos of him and with him as well (usually, I'm the photo taker, but since I was the breastfeeder, Scott pulled up those duties). We do have some beautiful photos of him, and a few short videos too.

I know he knows he was loved, as did Hayes (you know it too). xox

Natalie Ross said...

I loved seeing these pictures of Jack. Makes me feel like I'm getting to know Him. I'm sorry your weekend was tough. I know what you mean about the nursery. Our little girl's things are piled up in her room. What you said, "He never really used these things, yet they are his" really struck a chord with me. I feel your heart. Praying for you.
~Natalie

Becky said...

What chubby cheeks, he is so beautiful and I am so happy you have so many pictures to rememeber him by

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