Wednesday, May 11, 2011

4 Months gone.

My mind is running a mile a minute...  Please forgive me for the rambling/all over the place-ness.


I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last held, cuddled, and kissed my little boy. Since I smelled his sweet smell. Since I changed his adorable butt.  A third of a year has passed- I still can't figure out why and how we're here. My mind flashes back to when I was in labour, and how I tried my best to remain calm, reminding myself I had a whole lifetime to meet him and get to know him.

4 months further away from him. Away from that super-raw grief, but also away from him. Since him. Life without him. This isn't a life I want. I had just met him, I barely knew him. I wanted so much more than this for him. And for us.
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Work is going well, but it's also kicking my butt. I'm so tired by the time I get home that I just want to walk in the door and straight to my bed like I used to do when I was pregnant.  Instead, I come in and prepare dinner. We eat then I shower and we watch tv for a couple of hours before we go to bed. I don't know why I do this when I wake up exhausted again the next morning. I assume it's just because I'm trying to stretch out the hours I'm at home, as the days seem so long. Tonight I'm going to bed as soon as I hit publish on this post.

While at work, my mind is busy. I've already put Jack's photo as my screen saver. I have a copy of his foot and handprints at my desk. I'm paranoid about it though, that it might somehow get damaged. So, I enclosed it in a ziploc bag and taped it on the wall of my cubicle. I'm anxious the fire sprinklers will come on and then that copy of the prints will be gone. I realize this is irrational, and the likeliness of this happening is slim to none.. But we all know how people like us don't like statistics.

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One of the ladies at work came to speak to me today. She had a stillborn 21 years ago. Her son, Kyle, had a cord accident when she was 35-ish weeks pregnant.  A year and one day later? She had her second son and then two years on a daughter. I asked her how she can deal with it, and she confirmed time makes it easier, but not better. She still questions why this happened to her.  She looks at her kids and wonders why she couldn't keep her first.  And I wonder why I couldn't keep mine.

She didn't cry when she was speaking to me, which was astonishing. She still has good days and the not so good days. 21 years later, and it still stings. She's a very sweet lady, and spoke of of her life has been enriched by this experience. She loves harder. She loves deeper.

Kids, one of the common factors in most people's lives. Whether they have birthed one, cuddled one, or loved one. To lose one, well, the world is backwards.

And yet most of you reading this have done just that, and lived to tell the tale.

---
Dear baby Jack.

Your mum misses your chubby cheeks. I would give anything to touch your skin, rub your back and smell your feet. I wish you were here with me, cooing, and holding your head up on your strong little neck. Your daddy misses you like CRAZY, and wishes so much he could do all the things he had dreamed of doing with you. He had a good cry this week because he's really missing you and longs to try swaddling you again. You would probably be too big for a good swaddle- that is crazy to me.

Neither of us can believe it's been 4 months since we last felt the weight of your body. We miss your cries, your grunting, and all of your crazy noises. I miss your eyes looking into mine, or gazing around the room. I even miss when you rolled your eyes, as if to say, "stop staring at me, weirdo".

Mummy loves you and wishes so much you could be here with us, instead of watching us from Heaven. We miss you little guy and think of you every day.

xox,
Mum.

10 comments:

Molly said...

:(

Tiffany said...

Laura, I'm so sorry. I wish your little guy was here for you snuggle. He should be here. Sending you lots of love my friend.

Kelly said...

I can't believe that on that very same day 4 months ago, in 2 totally different parts of the world, we were experiencing the same thing. I feel more connected to you than other BLM's cuz of that. I could have written a lot of what you said, and I did in today's post--about him being further away. I hate it. I also have those irrational fears of losing his belongings in some kind of disaster. Ugh. I'm thinking of you so much. Lots of love and hugs.

Dana said...

Getting further away from the last time you held your baby is really hard to comprehend. I have had days and weeks of trying to figure out how that is even possible.

I am also really paranoid about Jacob's things. All of his pictures are on the computer, my I worry that the house might burn down and I will lose them, so I carry around a memory stick with his pictures on it. I've also told my husband that if we are in the house when there is a fire, he has to grab certain things of Jacob's and I'll grab the other things. Nothing else matters, just Jacob's things. It's nice to know I'm not the only one who is so worried about this sort of thing.

I'm glad that woman at work came and shared her story with you. I find those stories give me hope, even when I'm nowhere close to having a baby a year after I lost my first. I'm almost at a year (and yes, I can't believe it has been so long and that I'm still here) and I've lost 2 more.

It's so interesting to hear from someone who is so many years out from her loss. It gives me comfort in a way. Although the pain is terrible, it would be worse to think that it will just go away someday.

B. Wilson said...

She loves harder. She loves deeper. This is something I find myself doing.

I'm sorry I didn't mention it today... but unfortunately as the time goes by, just as our babies get further away from us, we tend to forget. But know that I think of your little Jack and YOU a lot.

Aren't those interactions with people wild? I bet she hadn't shared that with anyone in a long time. Someday, sadly, we'll probably be those people sharing our stories with those who are just beginning this crappy journey. I'm not surprised she didn't cry-- she knows how you feel and has cried tears... likely A WHOLE LOT in her life, too. She understands.

Screw work, just stay home. ;) And I would be paranoid about the footprints, too. Can you just make a copy and take the original home? That makes me SO nervous.

Brooke said...

I think of you and Jack so often. Sending you much love.

Becky said...

what a sweet letter to Jack.
I like what that lady from your work said about loving harder and deeper. I think that's very true...

New Year Mum said...

Such a gorgeous letter to our Jack... lovely words from your work colleague. Love to you always xoxo

lissasue3 said...

((hugs))

little vitu's mom said...

Thinking of you and baby Jack.

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