My mind is running a mile a minute... Please forgive me for the rambling/all over the place-ness.
I can't believe it's been 4 months since I last held, cuddled, and kissed my little boy. Since I smelled his sweet smell. Since I changed his adorable butt. A third of a year has passed- I still can't figure out why and how we're here. My mind flashes back to when I was in labour, and how I tried my best to remain calm, reminding myself I had a whole lifetime to meet him and get to know him.
4 months further away from him. Away from that super-raw grief, but also away from him. Since him. Life without him. This isn't a life I want. I had just met him, I barely knew him. I wanted so much more than this for him. And for us.
Work is going well, but it's also kicking my butt. I'm so tired by the time I get home that I just want to walk in the door and straight to my bed like I used to do when I was pregnant. Instead, I come in and prepare dinner. We eat then I shower and we watch tv for a couple of hours before we go to bed. I don't know why I do this when I wake up exhausted again the next morning. I assume it's just because I'm trying to stretch out the hours I'm at home, as the days seem so long. Tonight I'm going to bed as soon as I hit publish on this post.
While at work, my mind is busy. I've already put Jack's photo as my screen saver. I have a copy of his foot and handprints at my desk. I'm paranoid about it though, that it might somehow get damaged. So, I enclosed it in a ziploc bag and taped it on the wall of my cubicle. I'm anxious the fire sprinklers will come on and then that copy of the prints will be gone. I realize this is irrational, and the likeliness of this happening is slim to none.. But we all know how people like us don't like statistics.
One of the ladies at work came to speak to me today. She had a stillborn 21 years ago. Her son, Kyle, had a cord accident when she was 35-ish weeks pregnant. A year and one day later? She had her second son and then two years on a daughter. I asked her how she can deal with it, and she confirmed time makes it easier, but not better. She still questions why this happened to her. She looks at her kids and wonders why she couldn't keep her first. And I wonder why I couldn't keep mine.
She didn't cry when she was speaking to me, which was astonishing. She still has good days and the not so good days. 21 years later, and it still stings. She's a very sweet lady, and spoke of of her life has been enriched by this experience. She loves harder. She loves deeper.
Kids, one of the common factors in most people's lives. Whether they have birthed one, cuddled one, or loved one. To lose one, well, the world is backwards.
And yet most of you reading this have done just that, and lived to tell the tale.
Dear baby Jack.
Your mum misses your chubby cheeks. I would give anything to touch your skin, rub your back and smell your feet. I wish you were here with me, cooing, and holding your head up on your strong little neck. Your daddy misses you like CRAZY, and wishes so much he could do all the things he had dreamed of doing with you. He had a good cry this week because he's really missing you and longs to try swaddling you again. You would probably be too big for a good swaddle- that is crazy to me.
Neither of us can believe it's been 4 months since we last felt the weight of your body. We miss your cries, your grunting, and all of your crazy noises. I miss your eyes looking into mine, or gazing around the room. I even miss when you rolled your eyes, as if to say, "stop staring at me, weirdo".
Mummy loves you and wishes so much you could be here with us, instead of watching us from Heaven. We miss you little guy and think of you every day.
21 hours ago