|Feels like this storm cloud is following me around|
I no longer cry uncontrollably for hours on end. I cry for a few minutes. I read something particularly sad and I tear up and make a strange moan escapes from the back of my throat.
I do not have him. I can not have him back.
I cry in fits and bursts, passionately, angrily, for mere minutes at a time- sometimes only seconds.
The birthday party yesterday was great- my friend Holly is the best hostess I've ever seen in action. Always has an assortment of candy and other "bad for you"/delicious stuff to nosh on. There were a few triggers there for me. I'm very conscious of the fact that the last time there was a gathering at her place was New Years Eve, and I was in labour thus unable to attend. I remember Scott begging me to just go for a little bit, and we'd drive home the same night- he wanted to see his friends. I wasn't sure whether it was real labour (it was), or whether it was the on-off again kind of labour. I said no, and we stayed home, counting contractions on the computer instead. Good times ;)
One of the pack has a 10 month-ish old little boy who is cute beyond words. That baby didn't bother me, as Jack wouldn't have been that big yet, and wouldn't have been as "with it". But that baby crawls, and he sits up, and he burrows his cute little face into his momma's neck while he laughs. Jack can never do that.
One of the guys there just became a 2nd time daddy- this time to a little boy. We chatted about him, and the effort it takes to sooth a newborn. The baby is like, 8 days old. My mind instantly flashed back to it being the point at which we lost Jack... I wanted to scream, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE MISSING. But I didn't, because that would be
The biggest trigger of all? Another couple there who became parents to a little boy just a couple of days after we had Jack. She isn't someone I knew very well a year ago, until we found out we were both expecting a few months into our respective pregnancies. We started e-mailing one another about our symptoms, and pangs, cravings, and purchases. We compared notes on baby monitors, debated stroller options, and shared horror stories we had heard of labour. We compared doctor's visits, our feelings, and how our husbands were handling and adjusting to all the changes. Truth be told, I really enjoyed getting to know her on this level as there are only a few of my friends who have children. We had plans to get together with our babies, and get to know one another more. I was really looking forward to it.
But now? Now she has a sweet little guy at home, while I have an urn, and empty nursery, and memories of the best (and worst) time of my life. I can't relate anymore. I wish more than anything I could, and that we were discussing our babies sitting up (I have no idea if they do this at 5-ish months old, not even the faintest concept), and our battles to have them sleep through the night. It's hard, because in losing Jack, I feel like I lost a friendship. And it's not really her fault so much as it is my own, pulling back from a friendship as a defense mechanism to protect my heart and my mind. I'm SOO, SOO happy to know her baby is healthy and happy, but I can't help but feeling like I've been left at the starting line. Awaiting my turn. Again.
It just fucking sucks. Plain and simple.
And to rub salt into the wound, I am on CD46, 24 DPO, and have a gigantic BFN looming over my head. Not just one, about 15. :( I've spoken to my doctor and she thinks that despite positive OPKs to the contrary, I didn't ovulate. FML, this has never been my situation. I have never NOT (double negatives... to coincide with my 15 negatives...) had my period on time (except for when I WAS pregnant), which would suggest I ovulate on the regular, no? So, here I am, frustrated, pissed off, and feeling very much angry that I've found myself in this situation.
>>Here's where I insert that I know there are people who have it A LOT worse than I when it comes to fertility. We are 3 months into our attempt to conceive #2, and I'm already on absolute edge about it. I.CAN.NOT.IMAGINE how hard it must be to keep going through this stuff, and so I'm hoping you let me vent without thinking I'm a bad person. xox<<
I called my OB in a fit last week and begged to be seen ASAP. That appointment is this coming Thursday. She returned my frantic calls (and three messages) and agreed to put together the necessary paperwork to have blood drawn so we have that information available for our appointment later this week. I had my blood taken on Friday morning. The silly nurse stabbed me and missed my veins TWICE before switching to my left arm as I had initially offered... "Oh, you're right. You do have small, deep veins"... Me, "this isn't my first rodeo". GAH.
Anyway, if the testing comes up how she assumes it's going to, I'm moving onto Clomid to force my bod to ovulate. This can't happen soon enough. The idea of going around, and around, and around again is too much for me to bare right now. I'm so glad she's in agreement, and so happy to have her on my side while we deal with this. I'll update you all once I know more. :)
So, that's what's going on for me. What about you, whatcha been up to?