Sunday, May 29, 2011

Fits and Bursts.

Feels like this storm cloud is following me around
My grief arrives in fits and bursts.

I no longer cry uncontrollably for hours on end. I cry for a few minutes. I read something particularly sad and I tear up and make a strange moan escapes from the back of my throat.

I do not have him. I can not have him back.

I cry in fits and bursts, passionately, angrily, for mere minutes at a time- sometimes only seconds.

The birthday party yesterday was great- my friend Holly is the best hostess I've ever seen in action. Always has an assortment of candy and other "bad for you"/delicious stuff to nosh on.  There were a few triggers there for me. I'm very conscious of the fact that the last time there was a gathering at her place was New Years Eve, and I was in labour thus unable to attend.  I remember Scott begging me to just go for a little bit, and we'd drive home the same night- he wanted to see his friends. I wasn't sure whether it was real labour (it was), or whether it was the on-off again kind of labour. I said no, and we stayed home, counting contractions on the computer instead. Good times ;)

One of the pack has a 10 month-ish old little boy who is cute beyond words. That baby didn't bother me, as Jack wouldn't have been that big yet, and wouldn't have been as "with it". But that baby crawls, and he sits up, and he burrows his cute little face into his momma's neck while he laughs. Jack can never do that.

One of the guys there just became a 2nd time daddy- this time to a little boy. We chatted about him, and the effort it takes to sooth a newborn. The baby is like, 8 days old. My mind instantly flashed back to it being the point at which we lost Jack... I wanted to scream, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE MISSING. But I didn't, because that would be weird scary.

The biggest trigger of all? Another couple there who became parents to a little boy just a couple of days after we had Jack.  She isn't someone I knew very well a year ago, until we found out we were both expecting a few months into our respective pregnancies.  We started e-mailing one another about our symptoms, and pangs, cravings, and purchases. We compared notes on baby monitors, debated stroller options, and shared horror stories we had heard of labour.  We compared doctor's visits, our feelings, and how our husbands were handling and adjusting to all the changes. Truth be told, I really enjoyed getting to know her on this level as there are only a few of my friends who have children. We had plans to get together with our babies, and get to know one another more. I was really looking forward to it.

But now? Now she has a sweet little guy at home, while I have an urn, and empty nursery, and memories of the best (and worst) time of my life.  I can't relate anymore. I wish more than anything I could, and that we were discussing our babies sitting up (I have no idea if they do this at 5-ish months old, not even the faintest concept), and our battles to have them sleep through the night. It's hard, because in losing Jack, I feel like I lost a friendship. And it's not really her fault so much as it is my own, pulling back from a friendship as a defense mechanism to protect my heart and my mind. I'm SOO, SOO happy to know her baby is healthy and happy, but I can't help but feeling like I've been left at the starting line. Awaiting my turn. Again.

It just fucking sucks. Plain and simple.

And to rub salt into the wound, I am on CD46, 24 DPO, and have a gigantic BFN looming over my head. Not just one, about 15. :(  I've spoken to my doctor and she thinks that despite positive OPKs to the contrary, I didn't ovulate. FML, this has never been my situation.  I have never NOT (double negatives... to coincide with my 15 negatives...) had my period on time (except for when I WAS pregnant), which would suggest I ovulate on the regular, no? So, here I am, frustrated, pissed off, and feeling very much angry that I've found myself in this situation.

>>Here's where I insert that I know there are people who have it A LOT worse than I when it comes to fertility. We are 3 months into our attempt to conceive #2, and I'm already on absolute edge about it. I.CAN.NOT.IMAGINE how hard it must be to keep going through this stuff, and so I'm hoping you let me vent without thinking I'm a bad person. xox<<

I called my OB in a fit last week and begged to be seen ASAP. That appointment is this coming Thursday.  She returned my frantic calls (and three messages) and agreed to put together the necessary paperwork to have blood drawn so we have that information available for our appointment later this week. I had my blood taken on Friday morning. The silly nurse stabbed me and missed my veins TWICE before switching to my left arm as I had initially offered... "Oh, you're right. You do have small, deep veins"... Me, "this isn't my first rodeo". GAH. 

Anyway, if the testing comes up how she assumes it's going to, I'm moving onto Clomid to force my bod to ovulate. This can't happen soon enough. The idea of going around, and around, and around again is too much for me to bare right now. I'm so glad she's in agreement, and so happy to have her on my side while we deal with this. I'll update you all once I know more. :)

So, that's what's going on for me. What about you, whatcha been up to? 


Shell said...

Right with ya girl. I have a neighbor who had a boy about three weeks before us. We were about 6 weeks apart and did everything you mentioned with your friend. She just asked me this morning to go to a book reading with her. I declined and then saw her leave her house with her baby in tote. I know she wouldn't have taken him to the book reading but did she expect me to ride in the car with her and the babe? I had no interest in the author so that wa sthe reason I declined but she soon she will stop asking me to do things. It sucks. Sorry about the BFN. I can relate. We are going on over three years of trying to start a family. I hope one day we all get our happy endings.

What have we been up to? Yard work today and spent a couple hours out in a southern heat wave. Another neighbor asked us to a cookout tomorrow so I'll make some deviled eggs tomorrow for us to take. Pretty quiet weekend and looking forward to a four-day work week.

Hugs to you and hope you are preggers soon.

Kelly said...

So much yes to all of this. :(

I had a cycle the first month trying for Adam that I did not ovulate. My only month that ever happened. My cycle was still only like 36 days (compared to 30-31), but what a waste! I hope CD 1 comes soon (I'd really like to say you get a BFP instead).

Yard work and cleaning here. Being a huge biotch as the anniversary dates are fastly approaching. Le sigh.

Dana said...

That is what my grief is like too. I can be OK for while and then it is overwhelming and then I go back to OK 20 minutes later.

Sometimes I can be laughing at something and suddenly I am crying. My poor husband.

I remind myself that I can't have Jacob back too. I will go to him one day, but he will never come to me.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one crying this way.

I'm sorry that party was so full of triggers. It seems like we can never escape them, anywhere.

I wish you were having all of those dreamed of playdates with the woman who had a baby shortly after you had Jack. I will never understand why babies die. I would be pulling back from that friendship too. I have had to pull away a little from my sister and best friend because they both had babies in May. I feel terrible about it, but I know they would be doing the same thing if they were in my shoes (and I'm very glad they are not).

I had a really long cycle after my last miscarriage. I've always been 29-30 days and I had a 52 day cycle and it really sucked. I then had a normal one after that and I'm hoping that I'm working on a normal one now, or I'm pregnant. You are not a bad person to be frustrated about it. I also feel bad about being mad about it when I know it could be so much worse, but we are only human.

Your OB sounds so great.

Jacob's first birthday is on Wednesday. I am just trying to get through the days.

Keleen said...

I met a lady in our childbirth class who was due two weeks after us and just happened to live down the road from me. We have managed to stay friends, but it is so hard to go over and know Addison is missing from the equation. I hate that we can't compare notes with where are girls are at, but I just couldn't give up one more aspect. Our friendship isn't an easy one, but I do think it helps me. Maybe you might want to get together with her someday...or maybe not whatever is right for you :)

New Year Mum said...

The waves of grief can be so up and down.. and triggers can make it feel so much worse. Then a BFN on top can feel disastrous... with you on this too. Love to you always xoxo

LookItsJessica said...

I hate ovulation dramz but it's comforting to know I'm not the only one. I never realized that our bodies changed so much (internally) after pregnancy. I heard it can often take up to 6 months to get fully regulated. Clomid or no Clomid, I hope you get preg soon!

Maria said...

I find I can't bring myself to look at baby girls. Not so much boys. I'm fine with boys..... Everytime I see a baby girl that's about two to three month old.... I start getting nostalgic about what could and should have been. Then the pain starts kicking in :(

Big Big hugs


Angie said...

I was also pregnant at the same time as a few friends and 3 of my cousins. Aiden was the only one who didn't make it. I've still only had the guts to meet one of these babies, because she is a girl, and all the others are boys. It's hard making small talk with those new moms because all they talk about now are their baby boys.

I pray your cycles become regular and those BFNs turn into a huge, celebratory BFP! xo

little vitu's mom said...

I can relate to your post. I too don't really cry for hours any long but the pain lingers on.

I cannot and will not be attending any Birthday parties. Anytime soon. I have lost many friends but I believe its for no fault of mine.

I really wish you get your BFP soon. Hugs to you.

Tiffany said...

I agree with so much of what you said it made me laugh! It's funny (well not really, but funny in that messed up kind of way...) how you can swear that no one could possibly understand the frantic thoughts in your head, but then you open up blogger (when it works...) and someone does! I'm so glad your doc is on board. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Brooke said...

So sorry about your ovulation worries. I can relate to that anxiety--this feeling of falling further and further behind even though nobody is putting us on a timeline (except ourselves). Sending you love and peace and a new cycle ASAP.

Natasha said...

This is such a greta post- you have me over here nodding my head in agreement, laughing, and remembering similar thoughts I've had.

It is so very hard to be the "one" in the group whose baby didn't make it. It sucks so bad. Like really bad. You don't want to talk about babies and that's all they want to talk about.

Definitely feel you on the being disappointed about the TTC- you are not the only one!!! I hope the next cycle is the one for you! Glad your doctor is so willing to listen and address your concerns.

Praying for you!!


Becky said...

I am praying you will get prego soon. I think the Clomid is a good idea also. I am going to start trying this month and just doing clomid and an IUI right away. I know its not a guarantee I'll get prego the first month but I can't wait, I want to be pregnant now, not in 6 more months. My husband wants to try normally thinking that maybe pregnancy jump started my ovulation, but I'd rather do everything I can to up my chances. Hopefully the clomid is all you'll need and we both can get our rainbow babies soon enough.

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