Saturday, May 14, 2011

Le Tired

Whew, I'm so glad that's over.

A week into work, and I'm so damn tired. I'm assuming it's because I wake up at 7am, yet don't tuck myself into bed until 11pm or so... Could also be because I'm used to sleeping from midnight until 9 or 10am- this week has been a rude awakening.

The tiny, crevices of my mind play tricks on me and try to convince me it's an early pregnancy sign... I was exhausted when I was pregnant with Jack. I would tuck myself into bed soon after getting home from work and nap the evening away, awaking only to eat roasted chicken subs from Subway, then going back to bed and sleeping through the night. I feel like I could do that now, but I realize that I'm going through a huge adjustment. Back to work. Back to my "new normal". Back to life without my body, where some people aren't even aware I ever had a baby.

I caught the eye of a girl I used to walk to the train with on Thursday, she's aware I was pregnant and going on maternity leave. But I haven't seen her since I've been back, and she doesn't work on my floor. We have no mutual friends. I saw a puzzled expression on her face, and I know she must be dying to ask me why I'm back... I'm not sure she'll like the answer.

I'm have a hard time wrapping my head around living in this moment and not letting my days get away from me. It's May 14th, I'm 4 months after Jack, I'm 29 years old. I keep flashing back to where I was a year ago with a little babe in my belly. It also flashes forward to a year from now when I hope to have another little lady or fella in my arms. I get excited, caught up in the "what's yet to be"'s. Then I remember it's not my first pregnancy, that I've done all of this and planned all of this before. That I've done everything right, and yet everything is so wrong.

Grief can be completely overwhelming at times.

I have Jack's photo as my computer background (it's this one), and I find myself clicking off the documents to stare at his cute little face and body. My eyes move from his chubby cheeks, to his long skinny fingers, to his knee caps. I'm obsessed with his little knee caps, all bent and tiny in the photo. I wished I'd kept him naked more, so I could have explored his gorgeous pink skin more. To have pressed it to my body for warmth, I can't really figure out how all of him fit inside of me... But it was winter, and he hated to be nekkid... His father's son... I look at his knee caps and think how I should be looking forward to him crawling in the next few months and to him skinning his knees as a soccer player. But they'll only ever be tiny little knees.

Sometimes I think I can feel him with me. Not a floating around me "spirit" but I can sometimes feel the weight of his head on my shoulder, the heat of his skin radiating onto my body.  But how can i have sensory memories that I barely established? I yearn to feel that again.

I want to give my husband another baby. He deserves it, possibly more than I think I even do. I've said it a million times before, but he is just such a great dad.  He has so much love to give, and I think it's only been multiplying since we lost Jack. I know when we see a 2nd line on a pregnancy test he's going to be so, so thrilled. And we'll be so scared. Scared to open up our hearts and minds to love another little one, with no guarantee that baby will be coming home with us. It's such a mind fuck. Happy & sad, co-existing. To WANT to risk getting our hearts smashed up all over gain. It's a giant leap of faith, to know what it's like on this side and being willing to put ourselves out there again with the hope of having a different outcome.

Hope you're all having a good weekend.



LookItsJessica said...

Your writing is very beautiful. It IS such a mind fuck to start thinking about going through the journey again. But as Lady Gaga says, you were "born to be brave".

sarah said...

I love that picture of Jack, I think this is the first time I've seen it. My eyes too were drawn to those beautiful long fingers, so soft, so delicate, so gorgeous, so fragile.

This line: "Grief can be completely overwhelming at times" basically just sums it all up for me.

Totally overwhelming.


Molly said...

HAHA After I read the tired part, I was just about to email you and ask if you thought the tiredness could be due to pg then I saw you address that! :) Maaayyybe!

I so know what you mean--it is so hard to look forward at what's to come and be happy and then you realize where we've been. Tough stuff.

My New Normal said...

I hope you enjoy your weekend too.

B. Wilson said...

So are you implying you like to be nekkid? Way to throw a little ghetto in there. I love using the ghet-slang myself. :)

I'm really sad I NEVER saw Andrew naked. My photographer saw him more naked than me, and even then... there just weren't enough photos of his skin. It kills me.

I also couldn't believe that the entire baby fit into my body. And THAT HEAD fit through my ... well... you know. !!! Still shocking and kind of gross.

But man I'd give birth over and over to experience that love. I would say joy, but I've never experienced that before.

Le sigh.

Becky said...

Agreed! It's going to be a happy, sad, crazy, scary journey getting pregnant again.

Caroline said...

I think that shows what a great mom you are - what great parents you and your husband already both are. To want another baby and to have this love, that despite all the pain, just continues to multiply. You'd think our hearts would turn it off - like, "nope, not going to get hurt again" but instead we just love that much deeper and more intense. I feel like we all learned that in the shittiest way possible. Of course I would always love my kids no matter what, but I never realized how much I could love them until the worst happened. I hope you find yourself on this insane journey soon. You guys make too cute of kids not to just have a truck load more! ~Caroline

Dana said...

I'm also having a hard time living in the moment. I spend most of my time thinking of what was happening at this time last year, or thinking of what should be happening right now. I shouldn't be going to work, I should be home with my 7 month old.

I've been thinking alot about what another pregnancy will mean. The joy and the overwhelming fear. Being afraid to hope, but hoping anyway. But I don't know how i would ever get through another loss. It is a big risk we take.

lissasue3 said...

I'm glad your first week at work went okay.

Being pregnant again is overwhelming, scary, saddening, maddening, a little exciting (after all there is a new life in you). You have to be brave, and I believe you already are since you are trying. The good will outweigh the bad, or at least, that's what I hope. :)

TanaLee Davis said...

I so hear you on this one. J is a great daddy. I hate seeing him 'parent' our nieces and know that in his mind he's thinking of TanaLee or our future child. I want to give him another baby to love but we both fear heartache all over again.

We have to be patient and allow time to give us what we want...i'm learning this the hard way.


Shell said...

I also like your line about grief being so overwhelming. I had a day like that yesterday. I just couldn't get in a place where I could be content. I just kept thinking about this time last year. I think too the time tied up at work allows us to function but not grieving like we have been the past few months. It's like you have to put it aside and concentrate on other things and then it HITS you so hard. Hang in there and sending baby dust vibes your way.

Darcey said...

I also over analyze every little cramp, tiredness, etc. as a sign of pregnancy...ugh!!! I think we are all due for some good news soon.
Jack is such a cutie and his siblings will be just as beautiful!!!

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