I'm not feeling very celebratory this year. Not like last year, when I had everything in the world to look forward to. No one could have anticipated this would is how it would all turn out.
I got up early this morning and had a shower so I could cry in there without waking up Scott, nor my younger brother who is over installing some pot lights in our house. I used Jack's Burt's Bees body wash and closed my eyes, breathing in the smell I quickly learned to associate to him. Yummy baby.
I still can not believe this is my life.
I don't want them. I want him. I want this.
He is mine... I will miss him forever. Including today, and tomorrow, and in all the days yet to come.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I don't know just how hard this is going to get. I wonder if it won't be THAT much harder once I have another baby, and discover how very much I am missing. That I have yet to realize the very extent of what this lost life will mean. It's one thing to think I know, and another completely to truly know.
And for comparison's sake, I'm including a photo of me (and my sister Jennifer) when I was about a year old.
Meet my exact replica:
Okay, that's it for today. I'm going to go try to make some semblance of happy out of my sad little weekend.