Saturday, May 7, 2011

My Birthday, My Baby Boy

I'm 29 today...

I'm not feeling very celebratory this year. Not like last year, when I had everything in the world to look forward to. No one could have anticipated this would is how it would all turn out.

I got up early this morning and had a shower so I could cry in there without waking up Scott, nor my younger brother who is over installing some pot lights in our house. I used Jack's Burt's Bees body wash and closed my eyes, breathing in the smell I quickly learned to associate to him. Yummy baby.

I still can not believe this is my life.

So daunting to think, to know,  I may have 70 more birthdays. Each without him.

I don't want them. I want him. I want this.

He is mine... I will miss him forever. Including today, and tomorrow, and in all the days yet to come.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I don't know just how hard this is going to get. I wonder if it won't be THAT much harder once I have another baby, and discover how very much I am missing. That I have yet to realize the very extent of what this lost life will mean. It's one thing to think I know, and another completely to truly know.

And for comparison's sake, I'm including a photo of me (and my sister Jennifer) when I was about a year old.

Meet my exact replica:

Okay, that's it for today. I'm going to go try to make some semblance of happy out of my sad little weekend.



Nicole Gilbert said...

Happy Birthday! I'm thinking of you today, I think anything we have to celebrate without our children is hard and seems pointless at times but I truly hope you enjoy the day and keep looking forward to next year and hopefully you will have a family of 4 to celebrate with!

lissasue3 said...

Happy Birthday :)

Dana said...

Happy birthday. Mine is coming up in a few days and I'm not looking forward to it at all.

I often think of how having another baby will show me exactly what I am missing. My sister had a baby boy on May 3rd. I held him a few times at the hospital, but not since and I have no desire too. Every little thing I hear about him doing makes the pain of losing Jacob worse. Maybe it is different with your own rainbow baby because you are so in love with the baby, I don't know. I do know that having a baby close by doing things mine never got to do is incredibly hard.

Kelly said...

I've been thinking of you so much lately, knowing how hard this weekend is for you. I forgot it was your birthday also. You're on my mind lady. I hope you find some moments of happiness today and even tomorrow. (((Hugs))) and happy birthday!

sarah said...

This year on my birthday the rule was that people weren't allowed to wish me a "happy" birthday, rather, just "birthday" since we all knew there was no way it was going to be happy without my boy with me. (There were moments of joy interspersed, but I was still deep in the thick of it, only two months in...)

So, in that vein, "birthday" and I hope you find some moments of peace, where you feel so loved and treasured today, where you can smile and breathe deep and experience some glimpses of joy...

Much love. xo

LookItsJessica said...

Happy Birthday Laura!

I SO wish Jack was there to celebrate with you today and everyday.

Becky said...

Happy birthday and thinking about you and your precious Jack:)

TanaLee Davis said...

Today is hard...but remember that you have lots of people thinking of you today and tomorrow will be brighter...maybe not as bright as when your son was here...but nonetheless brighter. Hugs, I know this is hard. Thinking of you mama,

B. Wilson said...

Yeah, didn't know it was your birthday. Surprised you didn't mention it before! Aren't you lucky to be older, without child, and having to deal with Mother's Day all in one weekend.

Probably, hopefully not 70. I want to live a lot longer than this, but can't imagine life at 99! No thanks. Sound painful and boring. But you're right. So many birthdays and each one without our little boys.

Will is get easier, probably not. But at least these future babies will be there for us to love aside from just crying about.

Love Burt's Bees. My favorite.

New Year Mum said...

Happy birthday hun... thinking of you today and know how difficult these meant-to-be-happy-but-not days can be. Big hug and hope there is some peace in your day. Love to you always xoxo

Shell said...

Happy "Belated" Birthday and Mother's Day. I am sorry I missed it yesterday but wasn't on-line very much. I hope your day is okay today and that you can have good memories of Jack. Hugs to you.

Brooke said...

Thinking of you and your sweet baby boy this weekend. Wishing you moments of peace and maybe even a little happiness in these difficult days.

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