Thursday, May 5, 2011

A Year Ago Today

A year ago today I had a sneaking suspicion I was pregnant. I was actually 18DPO (WTF was wrong with me for not checking sooner, like SERIOUSLY). Now? I get about 5DPO and I start peeing  furiously. I've told you I'm a psycho, right?

I used my cheapy internet pregnancy test, and it gave me one of these:

Isn't that a gorgeous second line? :)

My husband, who is apparently quite skeptical of me and my shenanigans, made me go buy a drugstore test to confirm what I already knew to be true:
It confirmed, I was indeed Inangerp pregnant... Victorious!
I still have that First Response Test. It's in my husband's bedside table drawer, has been since we lost Jack. Before that, it was proudly displayed on our dresser. Gross? I don't care!

I remember telling Scott I was pregnant after the store-bought test confirmed it. He couldn't believe it. Our very first month of trying- 3 months after my surgery and we were officially expecting. I think we both thought it would take many more months than this before we got it right. In retrospect, I know we were extremely lucky to conceive Jack right away. Sometimes, I wonder if it was too lucky, and not meant to be (which I guess it was, in the end).

We decided not to tell anyone for a while, though I almost immediately disregarded our agreement as I dropped him off for a Cinco De Mayo party that evening and called my best girlfriend in the world to tell her about the "No Vacancy" sign handing in uterus.

We didn't tell our parents for weeks, until we were nearly out of the first trimester. You know, in case something went wrong.  They were both thrilled with it, my parents very keen on becoming grandparents for the first time... :(

Next time (oh, there will be a next time), I don't know what we will do as far as letting people in on our secret. I kinda think at this point we'd tell our friends and immediate family, but swear them to secrecy.  I don't want *everyone* to know right away, as I think (some stupid) people might think all is well in our world once we have another little bundle to think about... We all know that is NOT the case.

When we finally told our families, my mother in law told everyone (including my BIL- yeh, thanks MIL) as soon as we'd told her. Can not keep a secret if her life depended upon it... At the time, we knew keeping it quiet until the first several weeks had passed was the best idea after all.  On the other hand, I think it would be healing for some our families to know shortly after we do so. I think that will stop them from worrying about us the way they do...

So, that's what I was doing a year ago. Reveling in the joy of what was to come, and what was to be of us in the coming year... I so wish I could have warned that Laura of what would be a year on. That she'd be a shell of her former self. She would be incredibly in awe of, and in love with her husband... That she would give birth to a gorgeous little boy only to say goodbye days later... Poor Laura.

When did you tell in your pregnancy? Has experiencing this loss changed this for you the next time around?

14 comments:

Dana said...

These days are bitterweet. We were in such a different place a year ago today.

I have the same tests you got over the internet. so that is what a positive looks like on one of them! I've only seen negatives on them.

I still have all of the positive pregnancy tests I got with Jacob and with Cub. I'll never throw them out.

I let my parents and sisters know as soon as I got a positive test with Jacob. I let them know again with Cub, as well as a few other people. I think next time, I'll just tell anyone I feel like. To be blunt, the baby could die at any time, so I might as well get what joy I can out of it, while I still can. If I have another miscarriage before 12 weeks, I'll need the support anyway.

TanaLee Davis said...

Laura,

My sister actually told me I was pregnant days before I had even missed AF. She some how just "knew" I was. I tested and it was true. :)

This time around...yes loss has changed me. I decided that once I am pregnant again...I will only tell the closest family (adults that can - keep a secret)Then once I am about 12 weeks we would tell everyone. The reason is b/c we want support if something goes wrong early on but still keep it hushed if nothing does anyway just for the fact that people will have their opinions b/c of our history w/ our first.

The cheapo 'O' tests are hard to read...never bought a Preg. test that was cheapo...but hey looks pretty obvious.

Are you and your hubs trying again?

Hugs-
Felicia

Molly said...

next time around, i will tell when there is a heartbeat. maybe i won't take out an ad in the local paper, but i will tell family and will probably share on my blog. in the past, we've told close friends and some family @ 7 weeks and waited to make an announcement until @ 13 weeks when it was "safe"!HAHA! After experiencing and end of pregnancy loss, i know there is no safe point, and i get so huge, i don't think i can keep it a secret until the child is born, so what the hell. i'm going to share early bc i will need the support. and i'll prob tell you (my confidant and enabler--lol) as soon as i get two lines! Actually, i know i will! :)

LookItsJessica said...

I told my mom first, then immediate family, then Jordan's parents. After 10 weeks everyone knew but I didn't post it on fbook yet. I was going to wait until I knew the gender and do a surprise thing. 6 days prior to the gender u/s he was born/died.

Next time I think we wont tell anyone but my mom until my cerclage is successfully placed (13 weeks)

ALSO! We got pregnant super fast too (we weren't even trying, it just happened) and I also get scared that we were really lucky and it wont be that easy next time.

Kelly said...

Holy self-control for waiting that long! I was 10 dpo when I tested with Adam, haha. And why do husbands not believe us? My first test was so faint, so he was like, oh, for real? He didn't really get it til I did the digital later. :)

I told at 6w1d (some close friends knew right away). I lived close to my family at that time, and I was already sick. Started barfing shortly after. I can't hide that. Everyone knows I never get sick unless I'm pregnant. So I told.

I think it will be very different *if* we decide to have another. I'm not close to any family now, so I can hide being sick. I'm stupidly worried what other people will think and if they'll think this means we are all better and healed up and that we are done grieving (not the case, obviously). And, I'm just terrified. I've never had a pregnancy loss, so now I keep thinking, that's next, right? I don't think I will tell anyone til after 1nd trimester, except a handful of friends. It's amazing that I'm terrified of being pregnant again, and I didn't lose Adam in pregnancy. Le sigh.

Kelly said...

Ha! That should be 1st, not 1nd. I must have been thinking 2nd. :)

LauraJane said...

@ Felicia, yes we're trying. This is technically month 3 of "trying" though I've only had 2 periods since birthing Jack, making our first month "trying" completely useless since I didn't know wtf was going on with my cycle... It seems to be sorting itself out, and I'm very much hoping I'll be pregnant this month.

I think I will probably post my pregnancy here, as I know you ladies will "get" how excited/scared/anxious I am to be pregnant again. Maybe after the heart beat is seen, maybe when I get my positive preg test... We'll see. But people here will know before we start telling everyone.. I have a few IRL friends who read this, but they're close enough for me to have told them I blog.. So, thy'll know anyway by the time I post (or because I do, ha!).

lissasue3 said...

You have major self-control girl! :)

We waited to tell everyone this time around. If I had my way I wouldn't tell anyone until the kid was born.

sarah said...

Argh, blogger just ate a long comment of mine. I hate that. Will try to recreate.

First off, yes, there WILL be a next time, and if I have any say in the matter, it will be damn soon, thank you very much.

And I can't believe you waited until 18 dpo to test with Jack. That is some serious patience...

I have all my pee sticks too, like 15 from my pregnancy with Otis (it took me a while to believe it, I didn't quite get that "a line is a line and two lines means you're pregnant!" part I guess.) and 3 from this current pregnancy. They're all dated and stored in a dresser drawer. So, if people think you're gross, they're going to be doubly grossed out by my serious stockpile of used pregnancy tests in my dresser.

With Otis, we shared the news at 13 weeks, after the results of our nuchal scan and bloodwork (and once I thought we were "out of the woods" and past the "Scary First Trimeseter" -- if only it was only the first trimester that was scary this time around, right?)

With this current pregnancy, we've had much more of a no-method method of sharing the news. For our closest friends, and my sister in law, we told them the day of the test. These were people who I felt understood the complexity of it, that it wasn't just "happy happy we're going to have a baby!" and they understood how it did nothing to change our grief about Otis...we felt like we could truly trust them, and we'd also want them by our side if I were to miscarry, so why not share the news with them. For others, we waited until we saw a heartbeat at 6 weeks. (That's when I shared on my blog, not because I wasn't trying to share, but more because I couldn't figure out how to put words to the confusion in my head just yet...) For others, we waited until we got the CVS results, and then the fact remains that we still haven't told a lot of people We will never make a broad general facebook announcement, not even when (if) the baby is born, even though I am active on FB I no longer feel like it's the right spot for me to be broadcasting such news - mostly because of how "stung" I've been by others announcements in the months since we lost Otis...I much prefer to tell people in person, or as they contact me, and I figure if I haven't spoken with someone in these months, they don't need to know! My husband tends to be more forthcoming about it. My mom would broadcast to every news station across the US and Canada if she could, but we've muzzled her.


Anyway. LIke I said, if I have any say in the matter, you'll be posting a picture of a new positive pregnancy test in no time.

And I know how bittersweet it is to look back on photos like the ones you've shared here, all that joy, that hope, that innocence.

Sending you much love, as always.

Sarah

Shell said...

Since we were going thru IVF most of our immediate family knew about it. We didn't tell most of our friends till after the first trimester was over. I was so worried and wanted to get past the danger zone of miscarriage. If we are ever pregnant again I will want to wait till the very end to tell b/c I won't want all the questions and calls, etc. Just how I feel right now.

Becky said...

I love that you kept the prego test!
We waited till after the 12 week point which just so happened to also be when we went home to visit family so we could tell everyone in person.
I had considered not wanting to tell anyone for as long as I could for the next pregnancy but there is a few family members that read my blog so if I post it on there everyone will find out anyway, then they would be made if they found out through the blog versus straight from us.

New Year Mum said...

Such a happy photo of you from a year ago... it's so hard to know when to tell others. We tend to tell our family and close friends pretty soon and will probably do that again, so that they know what's going on for us... but I'm not really sure yet. I'm not very good at keeping my own secrets. Love to you always xoxo

Darcey said...

I am also hoping and praying that this is our month, but I already told my husband this will be my silent pregnancy. My blog readers will know and my close friends, but this will not be a fb pregnancy. I got a lot of thoughts and prayers from friends, but if things don't work out again I want to limit sharing my grief with people I am actually close to.

I had 2 acquaintances that I didn't even know were pregnant until they were driving to the hospital. They both had the possibility of something being wrong and they wanted to keep in internal...both babies are very healthy and they lucked out, but I think that will be my route as well.

little vitu's mom said...

Hey Laura - I have been thinking too - when will I tell everyone if there's a next time.

I had preserved my HPT strip with two strong lines. It was displayed proudly on the dresser too. My husband returned to Dubai on the 27th November (because our boy was doing well and doctors told he's going to live). Our boy died on 29th Nov. My husband was in his office when he got the new on phone from my dad. That day when he returned home, one of the first things he did was apparently to throw that strip away.

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