Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I'm freaking out

I don't want to make any plans for the summer, not when they can't include him. Which of course they can't.  How am I supposed to function without him when all I want IS him?

I'm not really fun anymore. And I hate being a burden to people, knowing I could/will cry at any point without warning.

I don't find joy in the things I used to, and am not really looking to anything other than our NYC trip at the beginning of August, and getting knocked up again.

One of my friends just announced she's pregnant. I'm happy for her, but I'm actually really sad for me. She conceived when we lost Jack (she told me this exact thing- that she conceived the night we lost him). Now this is all I'm going to think when I see her new baby. It bothers me that she can so freely think she'll be bringing home that baby in another few months (and chances are she will, and I truly hope she does). I would give anything to have that sense of naivety- to think this only ever happens to other people.

It's getting hard to believe I will ever claw my way out of this pit. I'm just so sad not to have him.

And I can never have him, so how can it ever get easier?

This is all just so unnatural. We're supposed to be doing so many things, and instead we can't do any of them. I don't like it one bit.


Dana said...

It sucks and it always will. Somehow it gets a little easier. It really does, but there is always a hole in the family. We just passed one year since Jacob was born. I never imagined actually making it to this point, never. Even until the day before, I was still in total disbelief.

Although it does get easier, there are still plenty of bad days. I guess the new normal just creeps in.

Oh, how I wish Jack was in your arms right now.

Becky said...

:( I have a few little things planned for summer but my only real plan is to get pregnant again also. I wish Jack and Liam could both be here so we could be doing exciting new parent things with them, such bs.

Shaina Gadow said...

It's like you took the words right out of my mouth. I get really nervous doing social things because I don't feel fun and I have to fight back the tears and "play" that everything is fine. It's just too exhausting.

Kelly said...

Oh, honey, I feel the same way. :( I too am fighting back tears and feeling so weird in large groups. Nothing is the same and never will be. It's exhausting, and I hate it for all of us.

Angie said...

The want we feel is more strong than any other in the world. This morning as I sat in traffic I was thinking about how badly I missed my boy and how I want him here with me more than anything. It dawned on me that I will want him for the rest of my life, it's never going to go away.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I hope that your summer is filled with fun plans, happy times, and 2 pink lines. xo

Brooke said...

Your first paragraph is exactly where I am right now. Only I've been dropping the f-bomb all over it, too. We are making vacation plans, making plans to see friends, and I keep thinking that there is nothing I want to do and no where I want to go as much as I want Eliza back.

But what is there to do? Cry about it. And try to enjoy small things as much as we can.

Thinking of you and Jack.

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