Sunday, July 10, 2011

Joy Revoked

I was chatting with a friend about babies and hopes and dreams for a future which I hope/KNOW will include more.

It has to get better. It just has to. This can't be it for us, right?

And we spoke about those few sweet days when we had baby Jack home with us. We experienced the all too typical first few nights in which we had constant slumber parties and none of us slept. We had busied ourselves with swaddling, and stinky bums, and washing with sweet smelling Burt's Bees. We lived a very "normal" new parent life. But only for a few days.

The enormity of the possibilities which lay ahead of us at that time, when all was well in our world, is tremendous. We could have been an amazing family together. We would have been.  I just know it.

A few other BLMs have written about their memberships in the momma clubs having been revoked when their lost their sweet babes. I feel the same way. I feel like someone came to my door, I showed them my card to prove I belonged here. But the card was repossessed, like I failed my first tests somehow.

I had happiness. Such amazing love for a little bald boy. So very much I couldn't wait to do with him. So many things I wanted FOR him. I was truly, truly happy, knowing this was the very reason I was put here on Earth. To be a wife. To be a mother. And then all of a sudden, I was sent back to try all over again.

I had such amazing joy in my life. And then it was revoked.

All the happiness in my world, sucked out in one swift sentence... "He has no brain activity".


Angie said...

We'll get our membership reinstated again one day. And when we do, we'll rein at the top of our clubs because we have the deepest understanding of true gratitude for our precious babies. xo

Kelly said...

Many hugs to you sweet LJ. Always thinking of you.

Alissa said...

Revoked is absolutely right...just taken away without any real reason. As Angie said, we will get them back one day...or reinstated in the way in which society accepts us as "Mom" again. And we'll be the best moms...I know it. ((hugs))

Dana said...

Joy revoked is such a good way to describe it. Things couldn't have been better, and then they couldn't have been worse. I wonder if we will ever feel that same level of joy again. I hope so.

Brooke said...

That's the real shock and disappointment of it, is that I was *thisclose* to having everything I wanted, and then in an instant--with no warning--it was all gone. I hate that Jack was torn away from you just when his life was full of joy and promise. I know the universe is random and unfair, but I also believe that better days are coming your way. Soon, I hope.

little vitu's mom said...

You have described it so well.

Losing a baby is like giving someone something they wanted all their life, with a promise that it's going to be theirs forever, and then snatching it from them cruelly, mercilessly, without a warning...

JoyAndSorrow said...

It's the most unfair thing in the world to lose a child. (hugs)

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