Monday, July 11, 2011

Six Months Gone... A video of Jack

Remember I mentioned this video? Probably not, I had like -7 readers then... It's a post where I questioned whether I loved on Jack enough... Whether he knew it. Whether I kissed him enough...

 Well I finally figured out how to download my video to my computer. It took WAY too long, but likely was complicated by my debilitating fear I would screw something up and lose the video forever. I then figured out how to upload it here, to share with all of you.

I won't apologize for the fact I look like shit, nor will I apologize for my voice or how annoying our baby talk is. What can I say? We were in love. :)

I do, however, apologize if this brings tears to your eyes or upsets you in any way. As Caroline put it so poetically in the comments a few days ago;

"Sometimes I find myself almost jealous that you gave birth to a living baby and have pictures of him alive (inappropriate of me? Possibly), and then other times, I can't believe the level of heartache you had to endure".

I totally understand where that comes from, and I take no offense at all (how could I? Caroline is the sweetest lady EVER). I know what it's like in that while I know I am ridiculously lucky to have had Jack, born alive, in some strange way I'm jealous of BLMs who had their kids longer than I did... Jealous is the wrong word I think, but I totally get it. 

We all wish we had more, because what we had was certainly not enough. Carrying them isn't enough, a day isn't enough, a week isn't enough, three months, six months, nine months... It's just not enough.

As I have said before, I am thankful for those few precious hours and moments and days we had with him. And the living photos and the video that showed he was alive and fussy.. It's a gift to have, it honestly is. 

So I hope this doesn't cause anyone more pain, and feel free not to watch. But if you want to know what two brand new, know absolutely nothing parents did with their kid one random night in January (the last one before we lost him), take a look. :)


Dear Giacomo  (your nickname, even though we're not even nearly Italian),

It's been six months since I held your body, hugged you tight, and then let you go forever. In that moment, of last touching you, last kissing, last being able to physically shower love on you, your mum lost a big part of herself. You are forever our baby boy, and forever loved and adored. There just aren't enough words to tell you how much you are missed, how much you are wanted, and how much I can not wait until we're together again one day.


Love you forever,

Your mum.


Kelly said...

Oh how I miss those little baby noises. :'(

It gives me chills that this was taken the last night before you lost him. I imagine you feel the same pain I feel when I see pictures of Adam the days before he choked. We were all so innocent.

I love your Canadian accents (I might have a thing for them, hehe), and I think it's safe to say that you surely gave him enough kisses! Although, like you said, it will never be enough. No time will ever be enough.

Thinking of you lady. Much love. <3

B. Wilson said...

"Hey Daddy, turn the camera off; I gotta get a diaper change."

I wish you hadn't.

Gorgeous and I'm also jealous just like Caroline. ;) But so glad you had those moments and especially this video of your precious one.

I think I love him. It's pretty easy to love a scrunchy, fussy baby.

Addi's mom said...

What a sweet little man. I am one of those "jealous" people because while no amount of time short of forever would have been enough, the things I would have done to hear Addi make noises or look at me...or to have live pictures of her...I am so glad you have those pictures and videos and yes you certainly didn't waste any time loving that baby, it's clear you love him in that video and the way you write. Thinking of you.

Brooke said...

Oh, LJ. I'm insanely jealous and also even more heartbroken for you. No question, that baby was loved and he knew it.

LauraJane said...

@ Kelly I totally know what you mean about those baby noises- I loved them. At first these videos became the only thing which could centre me, then I stopped watching them because they made me so sad... And now I love them more than anything else. They contact precious reminders about our interactions with our sweet guy. Thankful doesn't explain it.

@Brandy, I so hear you. I wish we didn't turn off the camera. Ever. I also regret when I say, "you're all feeling sorry for me, but I'm just a trickster". He was really good at fake-crying, so he did it anytime he wasn't in our arms... Like, he would stop as soon as one of us touched him, but until then he would freak out. Glad you love him too.

@Keleen (I totally spelt that wrong, right?) Thanks for confirming my love is visible to him. I'm so glad I have it documented. :)

@Brooke. So, so loved. All our babies were.


Glo said...

Your video brought tears to my eyes. My heart just aches to think of such a handsome little boy whom was obviously so loved and that within a very short time he was gone :(

crystal said...

I love it and yes it did make me cry because it was so sweet!!! He is Beautiful. Praying for you!!!

LookItsJessica said...

He is so so so adorable and sweet. Thanks for showing the video of him, there is so much love in your family that can be seen and heard in those 3 minutes.

Rhiannon said...

What a beautiful baby boy Jack was. Thank you for sharing this video with us and for sharing him. I am so glad that you have this video of a little of your time together, though watching it breaks my heart. ((hugs))

Caroline said...

I love it - thanks for sharing him with us. Oh those sweet whimpers just melt my heart. And thanks for your sweet comments. You have prompted me to take video of Finley. I only have one on my cell phone but need more for we never know how short it all can be.

Anonymous said...

Oh goodness, what a squaker. He is incredibly cute! What pain and heartache you must endure having had such a short time with him.

My son died 2 days after he was born (full term) but was palliative. I understand questioning yourself. Did I kiss him enough? How could I stare at him long enough to memorize each and ever inch of I never forget.

I too have short videos of my Xavier, a little over five minutes in total, but I cling to them.

Thank you for sharing your love :)

Monique said...

What a gorgeous little man you made. My heart is heavy for you. Thanks for sharing.

little vitu's mom said...

I wept when I saw Jack's video. Your son is so very beautiful and that absolute love affair between you guys is so very evident. I just cannot believe he's not in your arms. Am so so sorry.

Again your video made me think of my own son who also had a short life of eleven days. But i was not allowed to hug him and kiss him when he was alive (nicu rules in my country).And when he was finally gone, I decided not to hug him. Missed him a hundred times more after watching your video.

Thinking of you and baby Jack.

JoyAndSorrow said...

He is just so perfectly precious.

Anonymous said...

Now that you have the video on your computer, I would recommend storing it on every possible video storing site (It looks like it's on YouTube already) and also all of his pictures. Flickr and all of those photo websites. This way no matter what happens - camera breaks, computer breaks, YouTube goes out of business, whatever happens, you'll always have the pictures and videos of your amazingly precious and perfect little man - and the video evidence of how much he was loved.

Becky said...

Thank you for sharing that video, it brought tears to my eyes. I kind of feel like I want to say I am jealous or that your lucky to have that video. Jack definitely had parents that loved him very much. I so wish your little man could still be here with you.

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