Wednesday, July 27, 2011

What Might Have Been...

Today was a hard day.

No reason in particular, just missing my boy as usual.

I was walking home from the train tonight and saw a woman walking in front of me.  As I passed her I noticed the reason she was walking slowly was because she was engrossed in her infant in the baby carrier. She was talking to him, he was cooing at her. Blue sock-covered feet hung loose.

And I stared (because I am creepy). I had to make a conscious decision to look away- it took effort to do so. Oh what might have been. :( To think that baby was probably about the same age as Jack would have been if he were here today.. That mom with her arms full, and me with only memories.



We visited my parents for dinner on Sunday, and my dad handed me a Sandisk drive he had downloaded his photos of Jack and some short videos of the day he was born. I thought I'd seen all the pictures of Jack, after making my last discovery a couple of months ago. You guys, there were about 70 photos, of varying quality (but when you don't have a lot, you cherish the blurry ones too, am I right?). I poured over them today. And a few short video clips I can now add to my little collection. There is one of me giving Jack his first diaper change. He's laying on my lap, and I'm trying to pull myself up into a sit so I can lean forward, struggling to do so thanks to my c-section. My mom's standing to my side and holding him bc I was worried he'd roll off. I can see his tummy, his penis, his bum, and his nipples. He's so beautiful. He coos. He fake-cries until he has his diaper on. And I just love him. I'm so thankful for these little memories.

I also found what are probably our only "family" photos. They're taken in sequence, so they're essentially the same photo, but slightly different. These would have been deleted if we still had Jack. We would have kept the best version and deleted the others- always having the opportunity to have more...

So here's the "best" version out of that... That's right, a yawing Jack is our best version. :)

That delicious baby mouth... Don't judge the chins, the fluids made me sooooo swollen
I've spend the better part of the past hour zooming in on Jack's face in this next photo. I friggin' love this kid. I also can not believe how much he looks like his momma. And you know I thoroughly enjoy the baby toes in the bottom corner. :)
I imagine I'll be cherishing this photo my entire life. Also, my hubby is hot.

Finally, a new favourite of Jack and I (there are so few, but I love them all). That red mark on his head is from when he got stuck, sunny side up in my pelvis... And the reason for the very round head resulting from the c-section which followed. I think, now, maybe he just wanted a perfect head out of all this... To be as good looking as possible, right off the hop. Just like his father, that boy. :)

Blurry, but my goodness I love him

In happier news, I'm off to see my man Daniel Tosh tomorrow night with my lov-ah.Skippin' out of work 20 minutes early and everything!

Friday we're flying out to NYC where I'll pretend to be a local and meet Molly in person for the first (but definitely not last if I have anything to say about it!) time.  I'm hoping/planning to return from NYC with a renewed energy and happiness, it's a lot to ask for from a 3 night trip... But given my company while I'm there, I can't imagine not having a great time.

See you on the flip side!


LookItsJessica said...

Aww I'm so glad you got a few more pics of Jack! That must be a nice treat. He is so cute!

Natasha said...

The family pictures are beautiful! So glad you got the chance to add more to what you already have. You are right- every single one, no matter how blurry, is so very special.

Have fun in NYC! Glad you and Molly get to meet up! Can't wait to see the pics!!!


sarah said...

What a wonderful surprise to get all these photos...Jack is so gorgeous (like his mama and papa...)

B. Wilson said...

I also clicked on each photo and zoomed in. Because he really is so squishy cute. I love the yawn photo. I like the little creases in his eyes and his bitty nose. And of course the delicious mouth. ;)

It's a crime to think someone so cute will remain but a memory. But I'm SO glad you have more surprise photos to swoon over.

My jealousy overflows about your mimosa meeting.

Lia Larson said...

These pictures are great! What a treasure to find them now!! He is so cute.

That's great you're going to meet Molly! Have fun!

Molly said...

ok, now you've got me crying again. what a treasure to have "new" photos! can't wait to see you and hug you!

Tiffany said...

New pictures and video- awesome! I love it! Thank you for sharing them with us.

So jealous you get to go see Tosh! He's so wildly inappropriate!

Brooke said...

That's amazing that you found more photos. Never enough of them. Emotional day here, too. Sometimes it's just too hard, already.

Hope's Mama said...

Such a beautiful baby and what a gift to get these extra photos. Though I know you'd trade them all in an instant to have him here where he belongs.

Angie said...

I love those photos so much, what a wonderful surprise. I can't stand how adorable your little Jack is!!! I hope your New York trip is amazing, can't wait to hear all about it. xo

Caroline said...

So handsome - what a guy! CANNOT wait to hear about seeing Daniel Tosh. Bring your depends!

My New Normal said...


lissasue3 said...

He's gorgeous. :)

Addi's mom said...

Love that you got some new pictures and a little jealous too :)

I do the "creepy" stare at babies too and then force myself to look away, it may be weird, but at least it is "normal" among our club.

Have a wonderful trip!

Maria said...

Thank you for sharing such beautiful and cherished photos. You are a beautiful family and always will be!


Rhiannon said...

I love pictures -- such a beautiful boy! I hope that you have a nice trip to NYC!

Anonymous said...

When I found out my cousin had some pictures of Xavier on her phone I felt like I won the lottery! I know that feeling of new pictures so well.

He is a beautiful boy, and I am sorry he is not here to gaze into his eyes any more...

Have fun in your travels.


Anonymous said...

I just stumbled across your blog and just wanted to say how sorry I am about your precious Jack. We lost our first son (Lewis Jack) on December 29th under very different circumstances. I too found Garth Brooks' song to be very inspirational during that time (and still do!). I titled my blog "Chancing the dance."

Dana said...

I also find it hard to stop staring at babies and pregnant women and often wonder if I look creepy and they wonder why I keep staring. Maybe I don't stare for as long as it feels, but it is hard to look away when I am lost in the 'what could have been' and 'what should have been' world.

I love these pictures. I'm so glad that you found some new pictures that you didn't know existed. What a gift. I've been staring at Jack and at the happiness in your eyes and your husbands eyes and I ache for you.

I went to New York just 3 weeks after Jacob was born (my sister was there and the trip was already planned, we considered cancelling but decided to go). It was so, so good to get away. I still cried everyday and walked around like a zombie, but being in a different atmosphere was really good. It was hard to come home. Looking back, I'm surprised at all the things we managed to do while there.

I hope you have a great time.

JoyAndSorrow said...

How precious that you have more photos with sweet little Jack.

Post a Comment

Design bySmall Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved