Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My husband (on missing him).

My husband flicked through the photos saved on my MacBook, looking for video of one of his friends playing a terrible game of basketball. He clicked on picture after picture, searching for the photo from last summer as I played Angry Birds on my iPhone.

The clicking stopped, and I looked up, expecting to see my husband immersed in the video. Nope. Instead, he's entranced by photos of Jack. Photos of us as a family. Photos of Jack in his car seat. Jack in his arms, his eyes covered from the light.

My boys
"He always hated the light", he says, his eyes searching the screen for answers.

"I know. That's why I think he had it all along", I replied.

"They'll test for that, next time I mean?" he questions.

"Well, as I told you last week, there isn't a lot they can do... There really aren't any tests they can run.. It's all a snapshot in time, so there are no guarantees. The doctor told me I would be hard pressed to find any doctor who wouldn't run whatever test I asked of them, though...", I added.

"They need to test. This can't happen again" he tells me, matter-of-a-factly.

"I know"

"I just miss Jack. You know?", he asks.

"I know", I reply.

Ugh, I wish I could fix this for him, for us. For Jack.


Molly said...


kidsakeeper said...

Men are such funny grieving creatures aren't they?

On Sunday evening my husband said "I'm wearing my Xavier t-shirt." I nodded. I knew what he meant. He was wearing the t-shirt he wore the day(s) Xavier died.

It's a rare occasion when he makes a connection to Xavier through triggers.

I wish I could make it better. I wish dead babies didn't exist...I wish the wanting and the wishing weren't so painful.

Take care LJ

Tiffany said...

Tears for you- for both of you. I'm so sorry.

sarah said...

Watching our husbands grieve our sons is definitely one of the suckier parts of this ever-so-sucky journey we find ourselves on. Sending love, to all of you. xo

Natasha said...

It's so hard when your husband has that kind of moment. I'm sorry that Jack is not here with both of you.

Kelly said...

I know that men grieve, but it's so sad when they verbalize it. Something about men grieving makes me so sad. I don't know why it's any different, but it just is, ya know?

So many hugs for both of you.

Tiffany said...

:'( i wish i could fix it for all of us. i found myself saying that to D too. "i can't go through this again. i just can't."

Brooke said...

Oh, I know. Seeing our husbands hurting just breaks my heart all over again.

Becky said...

It's hard knowing there isn't much you or the dr.s can do next time as far as tests go. It sucks that you and Scott nad so many of us have no answers and no guarantees.

Caroline said...

It's so beautifully tragic and sad how the husbands grieve too. Beautiful because of the love they have for their babies, but sad because, well, the obvious. :(

brianna said...

I wish I could make my husband's grief less too...all the time. I'm sure he wishes the same for me. It is so hard to watch someone you love in pain.

little vitu's mom said...

I was very moved by this post. How I wish our babies were in our arms. How I wish we had a normal life. Where your husband has Jack to play with and my husband has my little Vitu.

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