That moment is ingrained into my memory forever.
No matter what happens from here on, nothing will ever devastating me to this extent again. Because even if this happens to me again, I will never again have the innocent thought of "all babies live". Never.
Here are the things I know for sure:
1) I love this man more than life itself. I could.not.do.it without him.
|Why yes, he does always wear his hat to the side like a punk.|
2) I miss this little guy more today, than yesterday. More tomorrow than today. Forever missing him in a way which snowballs.
3) I still can't believe it.
4) Clomid, round 2. I cheated and started it on CD2 this month since I'm sick of waiting forever to ovulate. Whatever, I'm a rebel.
5) Clomid gives me hot flashes.
6) Clomid makes me sad. Like I cry all the time, and I don't think it's just because I'm sad, though for sure that's part of it.
7) I'm implementing a new rule:
a) You can't announce your new (grand)baby to me if you didn't even bother to let me know it was on
b) You probably shouldn't include me in a group email where you write this is "the best year of [your]
life... Babies are such miracles".
c) If you do this, I will give you a snarky reply. You can expect this.
8) I prefer to be passive aggressive when people disappoint me.
9) A lot of people disappoint me. I think my expectations are too high. Or I thought too much of people, or whatever.
10) This really got to me. It's taken me a week plus to pull my shit together. At the heart of the issue is my biggest worry: He didn't matter. He doesn't count. People have forgotten.
11) This has got to get easier.
12) I just miss him.
You know I miss you. You know daddy misses you. I like to think of you as a happy little guy up there, especially after the psychic told Lisa you were. I bet you are very handsome, just like your dad. Daddy and I missed you very much in NYC, and very much wished things were different and you were with us.
You will always be my baby. You will always matter. You will always count. I will love you from now until long after I am gone. I will never forget you.