Thursday, August 11, 2011

Things I Know For Sure

Seven months ago today, I gave my baby boy one last, tight hug, kissed his face, and handed him off to the nurses preparing him for his donation surgery.

That moment is ingrained into my memory forever.

No matter what happens from here on, nothing will ever devastating me to this extent again.  Because even if this happens to me again, I will never again have the innocent thought of "all babies live". Never.

Here are the things I know for sure:

1) I love this man more than life itself. I could.not.do.it without him.

Why yes, he does always wear his hat to the side like a punk.
2) I miss this little guy more today, than yesterday. More tomorrow than today. Forever missing him in a way which snowballs.
When he was a fresh little guy. I think he looks like Scott here. Those lips though? All mine :)
3) I still can't believe it.
4) Clomid, round 2. I cheated and started it on CD2 this month since I'm sick of waiting forever to ovulate. Whatever, I'm a rebel. 


5) Clomid gives me hot flashes.
6) Clomid makes me sad. Like I cry all the time, and I don't think it's just because I'm sad, though for sure that's part of it.  
7) I'm implementing a new rule: 
   a) You can't announce your new (grand)baby to me if you didn't even bother to let me know it was on
       the way.
   b) You probably shouldn't include me in a group email where you write this is "the best year of [your]
        life... Babies are such miracles". 
   c) If you do this, I will give you a snarky reply. You can expect this.
8) I prefer to be passive aggressive when people disappoint me.
9) A lot of people disappoint me. I think my expectations are too high. Or I thought too much of people, or whatever.
10) This really got to me. It's taken me a week plus to pull my shit together. At the heart of the issue is my biggest worry: He didn't matter. He doesn't count. People have forgotten. 
11) This has got to get easier.
12) I just miss him.
---
Dear Jack,

You know I miss you. You know daddy misses you. I like to think of you as a happy little guy up there, especially after the psychic told Lisa you were.  I bet you are very handsome, just like your dad. Daddy and I missed you very much in NYC, and very much wished things were different and you were with us.

You will always be my baby. You will always matter. You will always count. I will love you from now until long after I am gone. I will never forget you.

Love Mum.

14 comments:

Kelly said...

So so many hugs. I'm also passive aggressive when people disappoint me. I can't believe someone said that to you about this year. This year is a big piece of crap. I'm thinking of you always, especially today. <3

Tiffany said...

HE DOES MATTER! HE DOES COUNT! HE WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN!
& yes I am screaming that! Our babies lives matter deeply. In their short lives they have taught us so much.

sarah said...

I feel like what I've learned through this experience is that people either disappoint me beyond any expectation or surprise me (in a really good way) beyond any expectation. People either totally suck or are my greatest blessing. Sadly, there are more in the former group than in the latter...And I've stopped mincing words in the last 11 months, if you say something jackassy, I WILL let you know.

And, to echo Tiffany, yes, HE DOES MATTER, HE DOES COUNT, HE WILL NOT BE FORGOTTEN.

Remembering him with you always.

(PS - The photos: *sigh* Your boys are both gorgeous.)

sarah said...

(Editing to clarify: that last sentence in my first paragraph, I don't mean YOU, as in you, Laura Jane, I wrote it as if I was speaking to the hypothetical jackass who had said something jackassy to me. Does that make sense? I read back my comment and was like, "Oh no, it sounds like I think LJ said something jackassy to me, or that I expect her to..." and that is not the case, not at all.)

Molly said...

LJ, I don't know what to say to this one, especially nothing new since it's all been said. SO sorry this happened to you, Scott and baby Jack. Love the photo of Scott and of course the one of Jack-a-roo. I esp love #7 on this list. And I do not think you expect too much. I think people are assholes. Love you!

Holly said...

He matters in so many ways. Jack is forever a part of you and Scott's journey...and so many others as well. He lives through you...

LookItsJessica said...

I didn't even know Jack but I think of him and you guys often, he very much matters in this world. He is way too important and special to ever be forgotten.

I hope it gets easier and that you can stop taking the Clomid soon (because of being happily preggo, of course!)

Brooke said...

Oh, LJ. Jack makes all the difference. Of course he matters. He will affect every choice you make and everything you do for the rest of your life. And you can make that a beautiful thing, and a wonderful tribute to him.

I'm sorry you're missing him so intensely. It is the Clomid making you cry, for sure.

People are ridiculous and incapable of respectfully handling grief. Also when people say things like this is the best year of their life, or they love their lives, I think they are really trying to convince themselves.

Natasha said...

I'm so sorry your baby boy is not here. It's just so very wrong and so very unfair. I'll be remembering him with you......xoxo

Lia Larson said...

I can totally relate to #7 & #9. So sorry. These milestones are tough. It's been 10 months today for me and even though we're getting further away from that day I hold onto those feelings even more. I'm sure you must feel the same. Thinking of you!

Caroline said...

My heart was just heavy when reading this. Not to sound cliche, it just was. I literally had that heaving feeling in my chest - just so sad for you and hating all you had to go through. I love what you said about missing him in a way that snowballs. It's so sad, but so very true. Thank you for sharing these sweet pictures of him with us.

Ashley D said...

I'm not sure how you came across my blog, but I am glad I came across yours. My heart breaks for the feelings and things your going through right now. My heart still feels that pain and when I see others experience it, it's simply heartbreaking. Your baby Jack was so handsome, and I just love that he was able to save another baby, one that another parent might be in our shoes. We both know, we wish that on no one. I wish Nolan could have done the same, it's a bittersweet notion.
Lots of love,
Ashley

fireworksandrainbows said...

Here is what I have learned during my grief journey: all the babies matter...to someone...just not to everyone.

Not sure where you hang out on FF, but I love to stalk and am curious (as previously stated) about this whole clomid thing...I use the same name there...kidsakeeper, maybe friend me??

B. Wilson said...

Angry fist at that lady who thinks she can announce to the world how great her life is. I agree with someone above... stop trying to convince yourself.

Jack matters. Period.

And he is a cutie freaking pie. Like scrumptious. ;)

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