|Our "fortunes" from dinner on Saturday.|
In the other world, I still continue on life as a wife. I make dinners (um, from frozen...), I meet with friends, complain about work, I cry at weddings, and laugh at movies. I plan extravagant renovations, obsess over home decor I would love to have in my forever home (but not this one, as though this one doesn't deserve nice things?). I plan to stop eating like crap (see aforementioned frozen food), start exercising *but I hate it so much*, and make a better life for us. I think about what life with children might be like as though it is a foreign concept to me... Because I should know, and yet I don't.
I think what Scott would be like as a father, as the situations he was able to experience with Jack were so severely limited. I think of what it might be like to have Christmas with our children shrieking as they rip open boxes and toss wrapping paper everywhere. I see people interact with their children and think, "I would never", "I totally would", or "that woman is an animal". I dream of reading stories to my children every night, and of recounting their days: "what they ate, who they saw, what they did, and what we're doing tomorrow" as I tuck them into bed.
I'm caught between a world where my life revolves around my son. My son. My son. The one who is no longer with me in body, but fucking right he's with me in spirit... I'm caught between there and the world I still want to explore. The person I still want to be, despite all of this. Despite all of my broken-hearted-"ness". I know at some point the two worlds will collide- a day when it's okay to simultaneously long for my boy, but cherish the family I WILL have... I wonder when this might be? A year after we lost him? Two years? After we have our next baby? The one after that?
Because one day, just maybe, we could be happy?