Sunday, October 16, 2011

And Still I Worry

I am pregnant. And so very thankful to have been given a second chance at being a mother... At having a living child whom I will ravish with kisses. So very thankful for this pregnancy which I have be longing for from the very moment I knew we had lost him.

I am so very thankful, and yet I worry.

I worry that once this baby (hopefully, healthily) arrives, I worry some people will forget him. Forget that I love this perfect little boy I made with all my very best ingredients... The boy who stole my heart from the moment I knew he existed within me. I know this is foolish- how could I ever forget the love that I have known? But I still worry people will think this next baby might "fix" the gaping wound in my heart left by my firstborn... People believe "time heals all wounds". But this one? It's simply too deep and too wide for it to scab over.

I will love him, I will continue to long for him with each breath I take, so long as I live and breathe.

The new baby (which I refer to here as "Jack's Baby", because he will never have one of his own, yet I strongly feel he gave me this one to care for in his abscence) will be loved beyond all measure. But Jack's Baby doesn't replace the boy I was growing, dreaming of, and planning for just one short year ago. Never has and never will.

I love you little man. So very much

12 comments:

Kelly said...

I worry about the same things. That people will think we are all better. That strangers will see Natalie and new baby out and never even think there could have been another one. It hurts so much.

Love you.

Caroline said...

I think our worry is just another sign of how much we love our babies - all of them. But it's also a sign that you won't let anyone forget. You are Jack's mom and will always make it known - no matter how many babies you have. When people ask me if Finley is my first or if he's our only child, I tell them no. I make a point to let others know that I had another son. That he passed away, but that he existed. Pretending like he didn't would be too painful and frankly, a dirty lie I don't want to tell.

Molly said...

I worry about that too... esp if the new babies are the same sex (of course i would looooooove that) but i worry then ppl will think the empty place has been filled.

Holly said...

Nothing will replace your perfect first born. He's forever a big brother, loving son and adored grandson. And those who who didn't have the priviledge or meeting him, an extremely handsome little man who was loved and adored by everyone who knew him.

LookItsJessica said...

I worry about that too and it bothers me. I don't know how to really stop people from moving on in a way that I'll never want to or be able to. Everyone who matters will ALWAYS remember Jack and your love for him.

Renel said...

I see this through two lenses. When I was pregnant with Camille, I worried that I would not love her the way I love Kai. I was worried because I felt I could never love anyone the way I love him. I worried also that the love for my new/second baby would take away from the love of my first. I was worried that I wouldn't have the time to love Kai the way I had been loving him his whole life, because now I would have to divide up my love and attention. Then Camille died and you know what? my heart still opened to her as if she were alive. I love her no less because she is dead. That all being said, what you are experiencing is exactly what every second time mother worries about. How will I continue to love my first and my second without taking away from either. I know as a baby loss mama that there will be a fierce protection over the memory of my daughter as you do for Jack. I think you will find the way I did that even though we worry about our love and making time and loving both, there is no division. Your heart just gets bigger. There is enough love for Jack and Jack's baby and people who remember Jack now will remember him when Jack's baby is here. Those who don't remember can fuck off...
YOU and WE will always remember Jack. Love to you.

Tiffany said...

I worry the same things. But I know that you will continue to speak about Jack. I know you will never leave him behind nor will you allow any of your family/friends to forget about that amazing boy of yours. No, Jack will be along for the ride of his family's next chapter.

Sending you love...

lissasue3 said...

I actually love that you call the new little one "Jack's baby" because that is what Lorelei calls Alexa. She says, "My baby." So it seems natural that that is what Jack might actually think of the new babe. :)

I worry about the same thing...

xoxo

TanaLee Davis said...

This so wonderful and yet so heartbreaking to read. Your learning about a new baby but mourning your first. I really feel for you, I hope you are able to cope through all of these new emotions. Hugs-
Felicia

B. Wilson said...

Your words are just the same as my thoughts. Those boys made such an impact on our lives-- they changed everything we are. I don't question for any moment that we'll forget.

I was talking with a women who lost her only daughter (she had 3 subsequent sons) to stillbirth 32 years ago. She was in tears talking with me about her. She said it still hurts and she will always remember. It changed her as a mother and as a person.

We will never lose sight of all we lost in our firstborns. Their legacy will live. We have to choose that and make it known. I'll be much like Caroline. I will NOT back down. Andrew is my son and will be remembered as such. Rest assured that at least I will never forget Jack's beautiful face and little scrawny body. ;)

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Congratulations... I'm so sorry that I'm so far behind on commenting and didn't realise that you're pregnant until today. Wonderful news... and your darling little boy will never be forgotten xoxo

Monique said...

Pregnancy after loss for me was one big worry after another - and this was something I can relate to - I too was worried that people would think I was "fixed" or "over it", but no one made any stupid comments to that effect (not to my face, anyway) and I've learned to not worry about it too much anymore. I carry Sam's memory with me and will until I die as you will carry Jack's, no matter how many children you have, he will always be your first born and the boy who made you a mom.

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