I am pregnant. And so very thankful to have been given a second chance at being a mother... At having a living child whom I will ravish with kisses. So very thankful for this pregnancy which I have be longing for from the very moment I knew we had lost him.
I am so very thankful, and yet I worry.
I worry that once this baby (hopefully, healthily) arrives, I worry some people will forget him. Forget that I love this perfect little boy I made with all my very best ingredients... The boy who stole my heart from the moment I knew he existed within me. I know this is foolish- how could I ever forget the love that I have known? But I still worry people will think this next baby might "fix" the gaping wound in my heart left by my firstborn... People believe "time heals all wounds". But this one? It's simply too deep and too wide for it to scab over.
I will love him, I will continue to long for him with each breath I take, so long as I live and breathe.
The new baby (which I refer to here as "Jack's Baby", because he will never have one of his own, yet I strongly feel he gave me this one to care for in his abscence) will be loved beyond all measure. But Jack's Baby doesn't replace the boy I was growing, dreaming of, and planning for just one short year ago. Never has and never will.
I love you little man. So very much
1 day ago