I remain in love with a little man. In love with a little boy who should be 10 months old, but instead has been gone as long as he was within me. It blows my mind to know that all the "should have beens" but won't ever be for him. It's not part of his story, it's not part of his life.
I remain devoted to him, to his memory, to ensuring something positive comes from something so ugly... That he becomes a big brother to a whole whack of siblings and that they will all know him... that they all love him and speak of him, too.
In my mind, he will always be a tiny newborn in my heart. He never grew out of nb sized clothing. Heck, his umbilical cord stump didn't fall off until the day of his surgery after he was declared. His lifeline to me gone the day his life slipped away from him. :(
I don't know why this post is all discombobulated. I'm just so sad today, and I am jealous of the people who haven't been touched by this grief. I'm jealous of those who are "innocent" to all of this, and who will never understand the severity of the grief we've been handed.
I remain very happy with be pregnant. I am 8w3 today, which is barely anything in pregnancy terms, but I've already decided this baby is going to be nearly as much trouble as his or her older brother. With Jack I was hit hard with vomiting at approximately 8 weeks and this continued until the day he was born. I was on medication to control it, but in all honest it did little to control much of anything at all.
With this pregnancy, the vomiting started at 6 weeks and I expect it will last until delivery, also. Small price to pay for a pretty baby, so I don't mind in the least. Poor Scott feels helpless when I vomit, and he constantly apologizes as I hug it out with the toilet. I don't mean to gross anyone out, but I'm not talking run of the mill nausea and some gagging. In the interest of keeping things real, I submit to you exhibit A:
|Click to enlarge and judge me. ;)|
Yep, those are broken blood vessels on my upper cheeks and around my eyes. It's pretty, no really... :\
True story: I've had little in the way of any desire to cook anything so far in this pregnancy. Food in any state really doesn't appeal to me, least of all raw food. Salads worry me because I worry about Listeria and Salmonella. Same with meat. Crazy, right?
Anyway, Scott took me out for dinner on Friday. I decided to order salmon with salad and mashed potato. Yum. Until it wasn't. I had to get up and leave to puke before dinner was served. Then I came back, and knew it wasn't meant to be, so I told Scott to scarf down his food so we could go and I could lay on the couch... He did as he was told and was rewarded with me throwing up 3 times in the parking lot on the way to the car. I believe he then asked to kiss me and we laughed. Seriously, who says romance is dead? ;)
That's it for my vomit tales today. I'm going to watch my Google count to see how many readers I'll lose now.
ha, this post is weird.