Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Devoted & Vomiting.

Warning, I'm totally over-sharing here. I also make little to no sense.

I remain in love with a little man.  In love with a little boy who should be 10 months old, but instead has been gone as long as he was within me. It blows my mind to know that all the "should have beens" but won't ever be for him. It's not part of his story, it's not part of his life.

I remain devoted to him, to his memory, to ensuring something positive comes from something so ugly... That he becomes a big brother to a whole whack of siblings and that they will all know him... that they all love him and speak of him, too.

In my mind, he will always be a tiny newborn in my heart. He never grew out of nb sized clothing. Heck, his umbilical cord stump didn't fall off until the day of his surgery after he was declared. His lifeline to me gone the day his life slipped away from him. :(

I don't know why this post is all discombobulated. I'm just so sad today, and I am jealous of the people who haven't been touched by this grief. I'm jealous of those who are "innocent" to all of this, and who will never understand the severity of the grief we've been handed.


I remain very happy with be pregnant. I am 8w3 today, which is barely anything in pregnancy terms, but I've already decided this baby is going to be nearly as much trouble as his or her older brother. With Jack I was hit hard with vomiting at approximately 8 weeks and this continued until the day he was born. I was on medication to control it, but in all honest it did little to control much of anything at all.

With this pregnancy, the vomiting started at 6 weeks and I expect it will last until delivery, also.  Small price to pay for a pretty baby, so I don't mind in the least. Poor Scott feels helpless when I vomit, and he constantly apologizes as I hug it out with the toilet. I don't mean to gross anyone out, but I'm not talking run of the mill nausea and some gagging. In the interest of keeping things real, I submit to you exhibit A:

Click to enlarge and judge me. ;)
Yep, those are broken blood vessels on my upper cheeks and around my eyes. It's pretty, no really... :\

True story: I've had little in the way of any desire to cook anything so far in this pregnancy. Food in any state really doesn't appeal to me, least of all raw food. Salads worry me because I worry about Listeria and Salmonella. Same with meat. Crazy, right?

Anyway, Scott took me out for dinner on Friday. I decided to order salmon with salad and mashed potato. Yum. Until it wasn't. I had to get up and leave to puke before dinner was served. Then I came back, and knew it wasn't meant to be, so I told Scott to scarf down his food so we could go and I could lay on the couch... He did as he was told and was rewarded with me throwing up 3 times in the parking lot on the way to the car. I believe he then asked to kiss me and we laughed. Seriously, who says romance is dead? ;)

That's it for my vomit tales today. I'm going to watch my Google count to see how many readers I'll lose now.

ha, this post is weird.


Addi's mom said...

I'm with you, it is so important to me that Addi's siblings know about her, love her and speak her name.

No vomit on my end of things, but there are days that the nausea is so bad it feels like a good vomit would bring some release. Feel free to overshare anytime, I will still read :)

Romance is not dead indeed, what a good husband you have! Hang in there. Happily miserable we are :)

Remembering Alexander said...

Ha, a little puke won't scare me away. Sorry to read that you're feeling so discombobulated. Maybe I am too because you made total sense to me (and I'm not even pregnant, smile). We're listening.

Caroline said...

this post is awesome. sad, a little gross, but awesome. Why? because your unending love for your son is just amazing and beautiful and I love hearing about him. And because you are pregnant with his little sibling and that's just fantastic. vomit and all.

share away friend, we'll be reading!

Molly said...

Lmao (except at the Jack parts.. that's not funny) and truly your profuse vomitting isnt either but hell, what else can you do but laugh at how crazy it is? Esp that u puked at the nice dinner. ;)

LookItsJessica said...

Awww I hate puking after a nice/expensive meal! I have that terrible blood vessel busting vomiting too. It's not fun stuff. Also NOT at ALL crazy to avoid salads and meat! I haven't had a salad in weeks-- the only one I ate was a wedge salad with bleu cheese which I stupidly realized was a no-no until after all of the bleu cheese was consumed. It sounds weird but I wish you a happy and healthy nine months even with nausea because at least you'll know that the new baby is safe and doing well :)

Natasha said...

Totally not a weird post :) Poor Lj- so sorry about the vomitting. That's the worst. Feel free to keep sharing though :)

I love that Jack will have a whole whack of siblings and that they will all know him ♥ Praying for that first little brother or sister that's growing growing growing right now :)


Kelly said...

Awww honey. This sounds like me in all my pregnancies, and it just sucks so very much. And share away. It helps to vent it out!

I was thinking of you and Jack yesterday. Well I do all the time, but especially yesterday. Love ya. <3

lissasue3 said...

I'm sorry that you're so sick! I was sick with Lorelei and Charlotte but not this time around. I consider that very lucky.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping it doesn't last the whole pregnancy!

PS - I'm jealous too.

Tiffany said...

Oh I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time! But I've heard the blood-shot eyes and eyelids are going to be very in this fall and winter...

Becky said...

All that vomiting sounds just miserable, but hoping it will all be worth it in the end when you bring home Jack's little brother or sister. Oh and you won't lose me as a follower either. I love reading about Jack and want to learn all about your new little baby if you choose to continue to share him/her with us.
And I am so crazy about Listeria also. I just called my dr. again the other day because I am scared to eat anything that could have it.

Jennifer said...

You can never lose me! :) I've been following for way too long and feel way too invested to stop now - LOL. I am so terribly sorry for you and all that you won't get to experience with Jack. At the same time, I'm so excited for you and all that you will get to have with his little bro or sis. Your rainbow baby, your newest gift. :)
I'm sorry about the puking, I hope it abates soon. It's supposed to be a good sign for a healthy strong baby though, right? Good luck to you and your wonderful, romantic husband. :)

Sonja said...

Oh, yes, I remember the purple "freckles" all around my eyes and cheeks from vomiting when I was pregnant with Elizabeth. And our first wedding anniversary diner ended with me running from the restaurant to puke in the parking lot - after just some water and smelling the appetizer :( I wanted to strangle people who asked if I had tried ginger ale or saltines, when I was still puking well into the second trimester. Such misery. We ended up keeping a list of everywhere I threw up. It was pretty impressive.

Totally worth it of course, but also so stupidly unfair that we have difficult pregnancies on top of our losses.

Tiffany said...

This post isn't sad to us. It's beautiful in that you can FEEL the love you have for your son, your rainbow, your hubby. Yes what happened is disgustingly tragic. But the love within your family is so amazing, and it drips off of every word you right. We hang on to their memories, we love them even though they are not physically present because they deserve that and more. Their lives though short are so meaningful.

So sorry you are experiencing such harsh nausea. I hope this stage passes quickly. I'm thinking of you.

TanaLee Davis said...

OMG! Im sorry I will admit this post made me laugh...you cant loose me after this. Ha! In all seriousness, im sorry your going through this pain and vomit spell all together. Its bad enough to mourn that should be's but then endure the worst vomit of your life. Hopefully all will be beyond worth it when this little one is born. All the mornings of...oh no where's the puke bowl and how am I gonna make it to the bathroom with this traffic? Yeah that second chance will be worth it all. And your first born will be that much more beautiful and it will make sense yet be so confusing....that's what i've been told.

Hugs mama,

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