Monday, October 3, 2011

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

On Monday September 5th, Labour Day, I had a dream that I was pregnant.

It was a dream so vivid I would have sworn it was really happening. I dreamt I was laying on a bed while the ultrasound technician swept ultrasound gel over my lower stomach and moved the wand around, pressing harder at certain parts of my belly. I actually remember feeling the coolness of the gel on my skin, and the pressure I felt.

In my dream I was watching Scott's face. He was mesmerized by what was displayed for us on the monitor (which is not unlike the first time he saw Jack). The monitor displayed a 12-week(-ish) fetus and the prominent flicker of a heart beat. Baby was dancing and grooving.

As I've said before, I seem to know that Jack is gone in my dreams. I'm yet to ever dream of him. And I know in my dream I was conscious of the fact this was not Jack- it was his brother or sister. I remember being excited, thrilled even, to see that baby on the screen.

When I woke up from that dream, I was happy for the first time in a long while. I had a few days to go before I could begin testing, and I felt confident this may be the month for me.

On Wednesday September 7th, I began peeing on sticks. Internet cheapies. I saw tiny lines, but so faint I was sure I had imagined them. I held them to the light, squinting, turning them just so, determining it was in fact a line I could see. I showed my husband, he said I was imagining things- that I was seeing things only because I wanted (so badly) for them to be seen.

That evening upon my return home from work, I peed on more cheapies, uploading the images so as to invert them on my computer. Still sure I saw a tiny second line, I decided to splurge (my pee) on a First Response. The prettiest, faintest second line appeared.

The next day? Another.

The day which followed? Yup, one more.

I was pregnant.
Custom t-shirts, available here
When I confirmed this for my husband, he began cheering and told me we had "caught one", which is what we had said all along- we just have to catch one egg. We caught it alright. Last Wednesday, we saw the flicker of a wee little heartbeat at 6w4.

The scan was somewhat turbulent. I stripped off, went into the room and told the ultrasound technician that Scott had skipped out of work to come see the baby, and could she please show it to him at the end of the scan. This is what we did the first time around, and it was no problem- 18 months ago. But no, now it's against the rules, the men can not see the baby until 10+ weeks gestation. I don't get it- the first scan can be all some people ever get, and you're going to take this away? I don't even think these are legitimate rules, but perhaps the rules of the centre itself. BLAH.

Needless to say, I started crying. Loudly. The woman told me to stop crying and to start to pray (Um, thanks lady, because you think this is the first time I've thought of that?) that the baby would be okay. I not so nicely told her that our first born had died, and it would mean the world to my husband if he could partake in the ultrasound. She seemed to soften a little, and told me she would see what she could do, but for now she would be silent and would only show me at the end if there was a heartbeat.

Throughout the next 20 minutes there were no words from me as I sobbed silently, facing away from the screen (it was turned so I couldn't peek if I wanted to). She made audible sighs, and then, after we switched to the transvaginal ultrasound, she asked me whether I had a positive pregnancy test.

In that instant, I began thinking of how on Earth I was going to tell my husband there was no baby, after all. How would I un-tell all those who I had told in the early days? How stupid was I to have told anyone?

And then, she finished her scan and unemotionally announced that not only was there a heartbeat, but it was perfect, and measuring exactly right. I was shocked, what the fuck was all the small talk for, lady? She asked Scott's name, and after only a few seconds he came in the room. He looked up expectantly at me, searching my face for answers.

"We have a heartbeat, but the technician isn't sure you'll be able to see it through my abdomen", I began. And he smiled as tech located my uterus, then the fetus- then the tiniest little flicker.

"You made good ones" he told me, eyes not once leaving the screen until the technician removed the wand.

Nope, we do. We make good ones.

Scott has specifically requested these for our delivery, if we're lucky enough to make it that far.

34 comments:

Molly said...

Tears. Still cant believe those rules. Awful! Yay for a little sibling for Jack!

B. Wilson said...

Grow mini McBabe. We all love you.

Kristin said...

Congrats!! What a stupid rule--I've never heard of anything like that before! I'm so glad you got to see the heartbeat, what an amazing feeling. XO

Molly said...

Btw, i had a shirt made from The Pecking Order for Sloane when i got pg with Hayes. That's how we announced him. <\3 :(

fireworksandrainbows said...

You outed your self :)

Glad to hear the ultrasound went well. The tech sounds like a jerk.

I have decided that any future ultrasounds from pregnancy will start with a conversation that tech goes with the tech like this- Hi...My baby died...I need you to tell me if you see a heart beat immediately, ie: wand on belly...Tech says "There is the heart beat"

Happy and health 9 months LJ :)

Erin said...

Thru excited tears, Congratulations. I'm so happy for you three. Wish you a very
Happy and healthy pregnancy and beyond. I know everything will be wonderful.

Becky said...

I just knew sept. was pregnancy month. I am so happy for you guys:)
It looks like we must be right about the same number of days along.

Angela said...

Congratulations! So happy for you guys! What a stupid, stupid rule. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but yea for a heartbeat!

Sonja said...

Congratulations! It am so happy every time a babyloss mom sees a new heart beat - so happy for you :)

Denise said...

So over the moon happy for you

My New Normal said...

Congrats!! But I do think that rule is mean and that you shouldn't have to have endured that first ultrasound on your own.

hughesfamily said...

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am SO excited and happy!!! :)

(P.S. That woman sucks).

Caroline said...

can't wait to see more posts like this :)

Natasha said...

YAY! So glad everything went well at the appointment even thought the U/S tech was a poop head. So very happy for you guys and little McBabe :)

lissasue3 said...

I absolutely love the shirts! Congratulations :)

Is that some sort of Canada rule that the men can't come in with you in the room? I don't get that. I never once questioned whether Sean would be able to see what I get to see. And why hide the screen? And why did it take 20 minutes? Ridiculous! But I'm so very happy for you that all is going well!

Brooke said...

That rule is crazy and I canNOT BELIEVE she told you to stop crying and start praying. It makes me want to write a letter of complaint to someone. But what's really important is that little flicker. So glad you guys made another good one.

Tiffany said...

congrats congrats congrats! so excited for you guys. i hate that the tech said that to you, but so glad that your hubby got to see the hb. wishing you a very uneventful pg with your perfect little one.

Kelly said...

Congrats lady! I love that little baby already! :) Sorry you had to deal with the cold tech, but I'm happy Scott got to see baby 2.0 in the end. Love you!

Addi's mom said...

I was hoping the reason you hadn't been posting as much had to do with a pregnancy! I am so happy to hear this wonderful news. It's a long scary road, but you are not on it alone. I look forward to reading your updates. It seems like so many are taking this next step together and it's such a good feeling. Can't wait to hear more about Jack's little brother or sister!

And that ultrasound lady sounds terrible! I have never heard of that rule. Brian was allowed in with me, but I was still a crying mess.

LookItsJessica said...

YAY! Laura&Scott congrats!!! I was so hoping you were pregnant too!

I'm so glad they finally found the HB and everything looked perfect! When I got my first u/s with this baby, it took FOREVER to even see the baby--let alone the HB. I could feel my face burning as she searched.

Thank God they let Scott in to see the baby, that would've been so uncool if they didn't let him after he took off work. So happy for you guys!

little vitu's mom said...

Many many congratulations. Wishing everything goes well this time

Kayla said...

Aaaawwwwww congrats!!!!!! I have no words but congrats over and over and over again!!!!!!!!!!!

Darcey said...

Congrats...I am so happy for you and hope you have a completely boring uneventful 9 months!!!

brianna said...

Congratulations. This is wonderful news. I wish you all the best.

Jennifer said...

Oh my gosh that's amazing news!!! I've followed your blog for many months and am just THRILLED to read this post! A happy and healthy nine months and beyond to you and hubby and that sweet baby. :):):)

Tiffany said...

what a great story! so beautiful! your hubby seems so sweet too!
but i am totally thrown/ confused by the whole "no men at the ultrasound" thing. seems strange to me!

Renel said...

Oh man. I'm so happy for you two! I can't wait to be able to share such wonderful news. Funny how all pregnancy baby news generally stabs my heart but when it's another baby loss mama. All I can do is rejoice for her... For you! I am sending lots of love and light! How wonderful!

Angie said...

LJ!!! I'm dying!!! I'm so excited!!! Congratulations love!!! YAY!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!

I'm beyond happy for you and completely irritated with that dumb technician. I can't wait to follow along with you on this journey of Jack's baby sibling growing big and healthy. xo

Youngins said...

Tears of joy are rolling down my face! I am so happy for you! I know baby jack is watching over you and your husband! I'm so excited for you!

Monique said...

Yay!! Congratulations! Hoping you have better technicians in the future - it varies, I find. Some are gold and others...pffft.

Hope's Mama said...

Lovely news (sorry I'm so late to this).
Hope everything continues smoothly.
xo

Rhiannon said...

So, so, so happy for you!!! This post made my day :) Well, except the part about the bitchy ultrasound tech...

Lauren said...

Hi! I somehow stumbled across your blog a few months ago and have been reading ever since, but haven't commented yet. I had a little boy on June 29th (who also happens to be named Jack) and I guess that is part of why your story grabbed me so hard. I really, really hope I am not out of line in sharing that. I just keep checking your blog once a week or so, with my fingers crossed for you. I was so happy to see your wonderful news. You probably hear this a lot but you seem like such a strong woman, and you truly deserve this blessing. I look forward to reading your updates and will be praying for you. I sincerely hope that you will be able to enjoy this pregnancy and your little blessing. Congratulations!!!!

Lori said...

much love and congrats to you both! this is so exciting. wishing only good things and sticky thoughts for you. xo

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