Friday, October 28, 2011

Why I Hope Silence Is Golden

First, I want to thank you ladies so much for your comments of support since I posted this.

You seriously have no idea how relieved I was to know you were as outraged as I was/am. I kinda felt like an idiot for not having deleted her earlier, and to be honest I think it's because I knew she was going to do this and wanted to confirm if my suspicions were founded. They were.

I loved all of your advice, and have given this serious thought over the past few days. Far too much though, actually. In the end, I decided to delete her and say nothing to her about it.

There may come a time where I feel ready to speak the words I so desperately wish to scream in her face, words which will make her feel this small, make her remorseful, and make her realize what her actions say to me. But right now? Right now I'm still rehearsing it in my head.

Also, I don't think she'll ever get it. And it's not because she's not a blm (because I do think some people can comprehend a little of what this version of life is like), but rather because I don't believe she has the self-awareness necessary to understand what she's done.  Despite my openness with her as to how I couldn't handle it, how it made me believe she didn't think he counts, she chose to do exactly that.  She proved (in my mind) that he doesn't count to her, and so he doesn't deserve his own name (and photos).
So I feel like she's really the one who made a decision, all the while knowing the consequences. There will be no "do overs", because this can't be undone.

So I'm left with either confronting her a second time, and having her turn this around on me (because she will, mark my words). It'll become a story about how she loved the name, and I am selfish, or that she hadn't heard from me much since we had discussed it and she thought it would be okay...  It was either all of that, or I delete her and move on.

And to be honest, I think silence will bother her more than outright drama would, because as one of my smart commenters noted, she thrives off of it. It's so very true.

I'd be lying if I didn't have an ulterior motive for cutting her out of my life. I have another reason too, and he or she occupies my womb at this very moment. In all honesty, I don't want her negative energy anywhere near this pregnancy. I've been told she's been asking mutual friends if I'm pregnant, and I honestly don't think this comes from a good place. I think it comes from the same place who was jealous when I was visibly pregnant and received compliments or priority seating, while she received none on those things while she herself was pregnant. The place where I received a gift basket from her on my front porch the day we welcomed Jack home with a note which didn't read "congratulations", but rather "I can't wait to get pregnant and be off on maternity leave. I'm going to get pregnant asap". Riiiiiight. So yes, part of this wishing to never speak to her again has something to do with my desire to protect this fetus from negative thoughts and feelings. In removing her from my life, I am hoping to remove the negative thoughts and my fear of her "jinxing" this pregnancy out of jealousy. I realize this makes me sound paranoid, but I've clearly been right about her before... Yikes.

And in truth, I have a lot of really great friends, both in real life, "on line", and email BLM BFFs. People who have been there for me, who are there for me, and truly wish the very best for Scott, Jack, Jack's Baby, and myself. People who are rooting for us to finally have a variation of the life we've always wanted.  People who would egg houses or stick potatoes in exhaust pipes (real offers people- these are great friends in my books!), if we were in fact people who did that stuff. People who I'd do the same for, if they ever needed it. I'd much rather invest my (soon to be even more) limited time into cultivating those relationships than this one.

Anyway, thanks again for all your kind words.

Ps. 10w5. :)


Kelly said...

I'm so happy you deleted her. And I'm happy you didn't say anything. I don't think she'd get it. I think she would turn it around onto you. I deleted a friend a long time ago on FB, she immediately emailed and turned it into what I did, even though she created drama that caused the whole deletion. She didn't get it and never will. Neither will your "friend."

I have been going back and forth literally all day about either deleting my account or deleting a whole ton of friends. I don't wanna upset anyone, that's why I haven't. Yet, I allow them to upset me. It's indirectly, but I'm just sick of everyone and their complaining and various other comments that upset me. You're right, we have to protect our babies. It's time I moved on, so thank you. :)

Yay almost 11 weeks!

Becky said...

"I can't wait to get pregnant and be off on maternity leave. I'm going to get pregnant asap". Did she seriously right that????

LauraJane said...

Oh Becky, I couldn't make this stuff up. Seriously. I feel like an idiot for even remaining friends with her. At the time I rolled my eyes and wrote it off as her typical behaviour... But yeh, it's always been a little, "me, me, me" with her... blah. Just reaffirms I had to cut her off.

Amy Lagerquist said...

Oh, my good Lord. She sounds so sick and narcissitic. I'm so glad for you that you made that decision. And yes, do whatever you need to protect your little bean (and congratulations!!).

Amy Lagerquist said...

(Follow up: are your mutual friends aware that you've cut her out of your life, so that they can perhaps NOT participate in gossiping about you and sharing your news to this crazy person?)

Molly said...

Nice post friend. She needs help. You dont have time for that. As you know ive been quick to remove negative energy relationships as well. It can only help ya know?

Caroline said...

Good for you. I did the same with the shitty friend I wrote about and it's almost hard at first despite the fact that you don't want them in your life because you at least want to know what shitty things they are doing to reaffirm why you hate them so much. But then you'll let it go and be glad that she's out of your life. So kudos to you my friend, a step in the right direction indeed! :)

Tiffany said...

I'm trying to decide how to handle a situation with a family member that has been more than awful since Ellie died, and I can't decide- be quiet or say my piece... good thing for getting her out of your life- you don't need it. Jack's baby doesn't need it either!

Natasha said...

So proud of you- you're so much better off without her! I was thinking about you this morning so I'm glad to see that you are getting rid of that negativity.

Oh and I totally think she's going to be soooooooooo sad/hurt/confused by your silence. And that's just what she deserves!

Holly said...

I can't believe she wrote that on a gift card when you brought Jack home. Good decision long and long overdue by to you axe her.

LookItsJessica said...

You write beautifully even about such a disgusting person like your ex-friend. I can't believe she wrote that note about wanting to become pregnant herself. Sooo toxic and gross. You are so much better off!

There is no room in life for such crap! As always- hoping for the absolute best for you and your wonderful family!

Laura Beck said...

Good choice. I wasn't aware that you are pregnant when I wrote my response earlier. and I think your decision is loving to yourself and your baby.

definitely focus on cherishing those who bring you up.
not those who purposely try to drudge up drama.

I like the way that you think, LauraJane.

Renel said...

Whoop! I hope her jaw drops when she tries to look up your page and can't! Bwahaha...I was just talking about this the other day, how you know some people are secretly wishing the worst for you and then suprised or even glad when something bad DOES happen. It makes me sick to think that these peoples thoughts could have permeated into my life, pregnancy etc...
Good on you for getting rid of the cankersore of a woman in your life.

Dana said...

I'm glad you've decided to hand'e it this way. I think confronting her would only lead to more comments from her that would be hurtful and you don't need that right now (or ever). And that note with the gift basket......she's one of those people who thinks that it is all about her.

Monique said...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but I think you're doing the right thing. Friends like that you don't need. Congrats on 11 weeks!

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