First, I want to thank you ladies so much for your comments of support since I posted this.
You seriously have no idea how relieved I was to know you were as outraged as I was/am. I kinda felt like an idiot for not having deleted her earlier, and to be honest I think it's because I knew she was going to do this and wanted to confirm if my suspicions were founded. They were.
I loved all of your advice, and have given this serious thought over the past few days. Far too much though, actually. In the end, I decided to delete her and say nothing to her about it.
There may come a time where I feel ready to speak the words I so desperately wish to scream in her face, words which will make her feel this small, make her remorseful, and make her realize what her actions say to me. But right now? Right now I'm still rehearsing it in my head.
Also, I don't think she'll ever get it. And it's not because she's not a blm (because I do think some people can comprehend a little of what this version of life is like), but rather because I don't believe she has the self-awareness necessary to understand what she's done. Despite my openness with her as to how I couldn't handle it, how it made me believe she didn't think he counts, she chose to do exactly that. She proved (in my mind) that he doesn't count to her, and so he doesn't deserve his own name (and photos).
So I feel like she's really the one who made a decision, all the while knowing the consequences. There will be no "do overs", because this can't be undone.
So I'm left with either confronting her a second time, and having her turn this around on me (because she will, mark my words). It'll become a story about how she loved the name, and I am selfish, or that she hadn't heard from me much since we had discussed it and she thought it would be okay... It was either all of that, or I delete her and move on.
And to be honest, I think silence will bother her more than outright drama would, because as one of my smart commenters noted, she thrives off of it. It's so very true.
I'd be lying if I didn't have an ulterior motive for cutting her out of my life. I have another reason too, and he or she occupies my womb at this very moment. In all honesty, I don't want her negative energy anywhere near this pregnancy. I've been told she's been asking mutual friends if I'm pregnant, and I honestly don't think this comes from a good place. I think it comes from the same place who was jealous when I was visibly pregnant and received compliments or priority seating, while she received none on those things while she herself was pregnant. The place where I received a gift basket from her on my front porch the day we welcomed Jack home with a note which didn't read "congratulations", but rather "I can't wait to get pregnant and be off on maternity leave. I'm going to get pregnant asap". Riiiiiight. So yes, part of this wishing to never speak to her again has something to do with my desire to protect this fetus from negative thoughts and feelings. In removing her from my life, I am hoping to remove the negative thoughts and my fear of her "jinxing" this pregnancy out of jealousy. I realize this makes me sound paranoid, but I've clearly been right about her before... Yikes.
And in truth, I have a lot of really great friends, both in real life, "on line", and email BLM BFFs. People who have been there for me, who are there for me, and truly wish the very best for Scott, Jack, Jack's Baby, and myself. People who are rooting for us to finally have a variation of the life we've always wanted. People who would egg houses or stick potatoes in exhaust pipes (real offers people- these are great friends in my books!), if we were in fact people who did that stuff. People who I'd do the same for, if they ever needed it. I'd much rather invest my (soon to be even more) limited time into cultivating those relationships than this one.
Anyway, thanks again for all your kind words.
Ps. 10w5. :)
Spring Break Stupor
3 days ago