Saturday, November 19, 2011

Just Breathe...

I was looking through the titles of my last few posts, and I sure do post about things which worry me! I feel like I need to put it out there into the blogosphere that I am happy, too. So here's a word-vomit of what I'm thinking and feeling.

I'm thankful very day for second chances, for another opportunity to be a mother. I'm thankful to Jack for sending this baby to me, and I'm appreciative of my husband for making another baby with me. I have to admit, I wasn't a lot of fun while we were ttc. It was all temperature shifts and timed sex and "we have to do it tonight even though you're drunk" (keeping it real people).  Sexy, huh? I'm just so glad the Clomid worked, and we conceived again.

Slowly people at work are starting to ask me if I'm pregnant, and I'm overjoyed to be able to say yes. Now that I've cleared the first trimester, I can breathe a little bit more. In no way, shape or form am I in the clear, but I'm on the road to getting where I need to be to make something of my life and his life, too. It's hard to have this blind faith in hoping for the best, while simultaneously grieving this boy of mine.

I'm looking forward to feeling movement on a regular basis, I love that part of pregnancy. The big ol' belly, the moving, squirming baby, these things make me happy. It's worth every second of vomiting. And then some.

Another 4 weeks and we'll be doing our anatomy scan. I need this date to pass, I need to know this baby is okay and that he or she may really be coming home with us.

I'm trying to remain as calm as possible these days. I don't want any additional stress, I don't want to think too much about what the next few months will be like. I take it hour by hour, day by day, and week by week. I'm hoping the hustle and bustle of the holiday season will keep time passing me by, even though it brings me closer to a year without Jack. To his first birthday which won't be anything like we had hoped one short year ago.

We're heading to Michigan this coming weekend to celebrate American Thanksgiving with my brother who attends university there and to enjoy our first turducken. I'm going outlet shopping and Target- am hoping to find some maternity clothes (including a coat) to get me through the winter.

Recipe for success?

I saw previews for the movie New Year's Eve when I went to watch Breaking Dawn (squeeeeeeeeeeal), and I got a little misty-eyed. There are the regular people who are looking for someone to kiss, the perfect dress for the occasion, etc. But then there's Jessica Beil's character, who happens to be in labour on NYE, which struck a little close to home, because that was me last NYE...  Bah, something tells me their story will end differently than ours did. Makes me sad though, it was such a great time to be pregnant, and such a great time for Jack to be born. The perfect day, the perfect month, the perfect birth date. And now it's a memory. A bitter-sweet one. It was the beginning of the end.

Breathe Laura, just breathe.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

On Losing Confidence.

I worry a great deal about whether I am prepared to parent a living child. I have wanted children my entire life, I'm fairly certain my best girlfriends would point their fingers at me to say they always thought I'd have babies first. I'm the girl who named my babies with my high school boyfriend, and had a university boyfriend (fling?) offer to trade in his pick-up for a Volvo with car seats... I'd like to tell you I'm not weird, but likely I am, and likely the guys I always dated were too.  
And in the days of having Jack home, I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. He was all mine. He was so cute. I would stare at him and trace his perfect nose, lips and chin with my finger tip, admiring the perfect little specimen we had created. And I knew he would be mine forever, which was incredibly hard to believe even though I'd had 9+ months to prepare for this realization.
And he will be mine forever, but never quite in the way I imagined. And I'm angry about this. Not only because he never had the chance to live his life, not only because I know his few short days must have been painful ones for him, but I'm also angry for the way I feel now.
I'm angry to have lost my confidence to be an amazing parent. I never doubted this before, was never a question in my mind Jack would have everything he could ever want, and I would get it for him. I'm so angry that I will never feel like I'm exactly where I should be again. I know when this baby gets here (please, oh please let him/her get here safely), my anxiety will be at an all-time high- I will question every decision, and in fact every single move I make. 
The thoughts which littered my mind before he arrived were those of cuddles, stinky diapers, walks in the stroller. In the days after him, I was consumed by figuring out where did this all went wrong? Why us? Why him? Now, I worry about what can I do to prevent history from repeating itself.
And I'm scared, because by becoming pregnant again I've made myself vulnerable to experiencing pain once again. Burning, searing pain. And I honestly don't know that I could do this again. Seriously. If I had to start this all over for a second time, I really don't think I have it in me to pull up my socks and try again. 
I don't have the confidence that I innately know what to do with a baby anymore, something I took for granted a year ago. Because in the words of my smarty-pants friend Brandy, it's almost as if I'm more prepared for what to do if this baby doesn't make it. Because that's the only outcome I've ever known.
I'm terrified to breastfeed, even though I was so looking forward to it with Jack. Ultimately, it was the breastfeeding complications which drew us to the hospital that cold January day and where this downward spiral which ending in losing Jack began. I hate that. Breastfeeding always carried such an attachment for me. I had hoped that we would be a natural pair at it, and I would feel like I was giving him everything he needed to be nourished. But now that relationship will always be love/hate. If it works better with this baby, why him/her, and why not Jack?
I've lost my instinct. I've lost my confidence. I've lost my baby. Where do I go from here? How do I ever attempt to get this back? How do I get my confidence back, and have faith this might all work out?

Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Worry A Lot.

I already think irrational thoughts on a daily basis...  Doubting whether I locked the front door, whether I still have my wallet, whether I have my security pass for work...  These things stress me out, even though in the grand scheme of things, they're really not a big deal.  I think my ability to handle less stressful things is shot- I really don't have the ability to handle minor stressful things, they all set me off.

I worry about other people's pregnancies. In the spring, an elementary school friend went 10 days overdue only to have her perfectly healthly (HUGE) baby boy. It took everything within me not to send her a note to say "get that baby out".... Because while it's really not my place, and no one wants a panicky FB message from a BLM, it freaked me out... I wanted to scream, "do you have any idea how many mommas lose their kids late in pregnancy, let alone when they're overdue?". I don't understand why pregnancy is 40 weeks long when so many babes are lost in those last 3 weeks... For me at least, I'm all about, get that baby out as soon as it's able to live outside the womb (I realize this is irrational, and not everyone is as crazy as I).

Yeh, so needless to say I managed to rope myself in and not do that, because seriously, I think I would scare the shite out of her. And she did go on to have a healthy baby, so it certainly is possible.

There's another one, who is 40.5 weeks pregnant and it's really hard not to tell her to get that baby out now. I realize so many moms go past their due date and have healthy babies to show for it. I understand that mommas want a natural child birth, I really do. But I just want them to avoid a stop in BLM land, where the sky is dark, and the nights silent. It just makes me so nervous.

And I didn't lose my baby in utero.

Even regular pregnancy announcements make me nervous, because now that I'm a BLM I worry about all the potential complications because I've seen so many of you experience them. I cringe when the people of FB announce pregnancies in what appears to be mere moments after conception.

As you can imagine, I'm going to be a walking nightmare for my OB. I'm a little worried she's going to think I'm crazy for all the extra testing, monitoring, NST, etcetera I am going to require to get myself to 38 weeks (God willing, of course). Of course I need these things, just as I need the doppler I keep saying I'm going to order, yet haven't. I'm nervous having it in my hands will mean I listen to baby all night, every night, and I worry I won't be able to find it's heartbeat.

I worry people will forget, or dismiss my love for my first baby boy if a second happens to be in the cards for us. I worry how I would feel if we welcomed a baby girl into our home, when I've anticipated a baby boy for 18 months now. Don't get me wrong, I'm just thrilled to be welcoming anyone at all, yet I worry about the consequences of both.

Soon my mail box will fill with Christmas cards and photos and this should be the year we could reciprocate, yet we're frozen in time. I want to send out Christmas cards with my baby boys beautiful face on it, similar to how she did it last year. It's so simple, so perfect, yet it says it all. But I worry about who I would send it to, and whether people would find it disturbing rather than beautiful. It breaks my heart to think some people might think it was disturbing, yet all at once I don't care. I've been searching, TinyPrints, etc. for something which perfectly captures my boy, yet nothing quite reads "he is so loved and missed".

I'll like to be able to tell myself to relax and let things go. Sometimes I do a better job at it than other days... Sometimes I'm very much, "there's nothing I can do, so I might as well enjoy this time with Jack's Baby while I have it", and yet other times I think, "What if this all slips away?".

So far, Jack's Baby is looking great. I had the ultrasound for IPS on Friday and baby is measuring a couple days ahead of expected. I forgot to ask the heart rate, but she said it all looked good (but they also can't tell you anything, so...). Here is his/her Glamour Shot:

Why, yes, that is a beard... lol
I have so much to be thankful for, and yet I worry it will all slip away like that cold day in January. I worry I'll get punked again and be left behind. I don't feel like I have any security in anything I do these days, and I hate the uncomfortableness of that feeling.

Do you worry a lot more now?
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