Sunday, November 6, 2011

I Worry A Lot.

I already think irrational thoughts on a daily basis...  Doubting whether I locked the front door, whether I still have my wallet, whether I have my security pass for work...  These things stress me out, even though in the grand scheme of things, they're really not a big deal.  I think my ability to handle less stressful things is shot- I really don't have the ability to handle minor stressful things, they all set me off.

I worry about other people's pregnancies. In the spring, an elementary school friend went 10 days overdue only to have her perfectly healthly (HUGE) baby boy. It took everything within me not to send her a note to say "get that baby out".... Because while it's really not my place, and no one wants a panicky FB message from a BLM, it freaked me out... I wanted to scream, "do you have any idea how many mommas lose their kids late in pregnancy, let alone when they're overdue?". I don't understand why pregnancy is 40 weeks long when so many babes are lost in those last 3 weeks... For me at least, I'm all about, get that baby out as soon as it's able to live outside the womb (I realize this is irrational, and not everyone is as crazy as I).

Yeh, so needless to say I managed to rope myself in and not do that, because seriously, I think I would scare the shite out of her. And she did go on to have a healthy baby, so it certainly is possible.

There's another one, who is 40.5 weeks pregnant and it's really hard not to tell her to get that baby out now. I realize so many moms go past their due date and have healthy babies to show for it. I understand that mommas want a natural child birth, I really do. But I just want them to avoid a stop in BLM land, where the sky is dark, and the nights silent. It just makes me so nervous.

And I didn't lose my baby in utero.

Even regular pregnancy announcements make me nervous, because now that I'm a BLM I worry about all the potential complications because I've seen so many of you experience them. I cringe when the people of FB announce pregnancies in what appears to be mere moments after conception.

As you can imagine, I'm going to be a walking nightmare for my OB. I'm a little worried she's going to think I'm crazy for all the extra testing, monitoring, NST, etcetera I am going to require to get myself to 38 weeks (God willing, of course). Of course I need these things, just as I need the doppler I keep saying I'm going to order, yet haven't. I'm nervous having it in my hands will mean I listen to baby all night, every night, and I worry I won't be able to find it's heartbeat.

I worry people will forget, or dismiss my love for my first baby boy if a second happens to be in the cards for us. I worry how I would feel if we welcomed a baby girl into our home, when I've anticipated a baby boy for 18 months now. Don't get me wrong, I'm just thrilled to be welcoming anyone at all, yet I worry about the consequences of both.

Soon my mail box will fill with Christmas cards and photos and this should be the year we could reciprocate, yet we're frozen in time. I want to send out Christmas cards with my baby boys beautiful face on it, similar to how she did it last year. It's so simple, so perfect, yet it says it all. But I worry about who I would send it to, and whether people would find it disturbing rather than beautiful. It breaks my heart to think some people might think it was disturbing, yet all at once I don't care. I've been searching, TinyPrints, etc. for something which perfectly captures my boy, yet nothing quite reads "he is so loved and missed".

I'll like to be able to tell myself to relax and let things go. Sometimes I do a better job at it than other days... Sometimes I'm very much, "there's nothing I can do, so I might as well enjoy this time with Jack's Baby while I have it", and yet other times I think, "What if this all slips away?".

So far, Jack's Baby is looking great. I had the ultrasound for IPS on Friday and baby is measuring a couple days ahead of expected. I forgot to ask the heart rate, but she said it all looked good (but they also can't tell you anything, so...). Here is his/her Glamour Shot:

Why, yes, that is a beard... lol
I have so much to be thankful for, and yet I worry it will all slip away like that cold day in January. I worry I'll get punked again and be left behind. I don't feel like I have any security in anything I do these days, and I hate the uncomfortableness of that feeling.

Do you worry a lot more now?


Tiffany said...

Yes without a doubt I am a paranoid freak! Any bit of blind optimism I had before (there honestly wasn't much) is totally gone. I live in fear of Max getting a fever, the fast triple beep of the thermometer is burned into my brain sends me right into a panic attack. Shortly after Ellie died I was watching my nephew and he got a fever, the thermometer gave me that fast beep and I swear everything went black.
I too cringe when people announce their pregnancy right after they've peed on a stick. Or when people assume that just because their child is here, that now everything is fine and nothing can happen... I don't know how we could not worry after what we've been through!

Kelly said...

I can relate so much to this. I worry about the pregnancies of everyone I know. I get PISSED when people announce with a pregnancy test 4 seconds after they peed on it. I want to scream, "you are so naive!" I worry when people announce that they're having their "big exciting" 20 week ultrasound. When people ask me if I'm excited for mine...nope, terrified. And like you, I didn't lose my Adam in pregnancy.

And because I lost Adam at 2 months old, I think that every time a baby get sick, they're gonna die. Or any kid for that matter. I think the worst when people ask for prayers for family and friends. It's a sad world we live in, yes? You are certainly not alone my dear!

B. Wilson said...

You and me both, my friend. You know how I feel about getting baby out ASAP. If Andrew had been induced around week 37-38, he'd probably still be alive. It kills me to think about that. Not that bad can't happen before that 37 weeks, but it's like spending less time in the car-- fewer opportunities to get in an accident.

Also, don't think that just because my child died in utero that I am not crazy about possibly having a SIDS child or one that suffers from a life-threatening disease or bacterial infection. We're all readily crazy because of all we know. Hence the reason all these women can go their entire pregnancies without a care in the world. Because they have no reason to be worried! We have every reason, it seems. Cook these babies and get them out!!!

Alissa said...

I think being paranoid is something we can never truly get over.... It's a part of us now, unfortunately. Love the picture of your little one....and yes, it does look like a beard. Ha ha. ((hugs))

Emily said...

My sister in law is over 26 weeks pregnant now, but back at 13ish weeks she went in to her midwife for a check up. They couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so even though they weren't going to do the NST ultrasound they decided to go for it just to check. They had to wait a few days between appointments though, and we had a family dinner scheduled in between where she told me about not being able to find the heartbeat. I was SO frightened! Both my husband and I assumed the worst right away. Unlike my brother and sister-in-law we didn't blow it off as 'oh it's too early to hear the heartbeat', like most people would. We were on pins and needles until we heard their ultrasound went fine. So yeah, I relate to assuming everything with pregnancy is going to go wrong. I think it's pretty normal.

Renel said...

Gosh I hear you! I am not pregnant and I still worry. I worry that having more babies after one has died is tempting fate to do it again. I HOPE NOT! Camille died at 38 weeks pregnant FOR NO KNOWN REASON, after a perfectly uneventful and normal pregnancy. WTF? I was 41 weeks pregnant when I gave birth to my son Kai. Now if I were to get pregnant I would be crazy at the end of pregnancy wanting the baby out before 38 weeks. Once you have experienced the worst case scenario every other scenario is also plausible. After my daughter died and I became part of this club I am consistently staggered by the ways babies die and who survives and who doesn't. A friend of mine gave birth to her son at 26 weeks! he is still alive! WTF? how can a baby be alive at 26 weeks and my daughter died at full term? It does not make any sense. I think any stress at all is too much for us because we are on the tipping point. I am sorry you have to be so worried but I get that. I worry for my family all the time. life is so much more fragile than it used to be. xxoo

Caroline said...

It's so hard for me when people go past their due dates. I think most stillbirths are late in pregnancies and knowing that makes me want to make every pregnant momma know that! But I get it babies do live and are born perfectly healthy full term and past, but then why not mine? Why not my perfect nearly 39 weeker? Why him?! It just sucks and it's impossible for us to be ignorant. Yes, I'm much more paranoid. We did not buy anything new for Finn as we had everything we needed for Cale, but the one item we did get was a different monitor. I had just your normal run-of-the mill one, but now we have the motion/sensor pad video one so I can see him, and know that there will be a scary alarm if he doesn't move for 15 seconds. So yup, paranoid indeed. But I've already lost too much. We all have.

Monique said...

Pregnancy after loss is not a ton of fun. Do whatever you need to do to get through and don't worry what anyone thinks. I hope you have a good OB - I found that was the most helpful thing - having a Dr. who understood and did any extra monitoring I wanted at the drop of a hat.

Amy Lagerquist said...

I'm not yet pregnant again but could have written every word. I'm freaking out before I have reason to. The loss of our twins was due to a polyp in my cervix, ultimately, that bled and ruined my mucus plug (and let in infection, which caused PTL, which ruptured my daughter's sac), and that's not likely to happen again...but then again, I'll be more likely to have placental abruption again (7w2d, also w/daughter, although it healed), placenta previa (daughter, surprise!), and PTL. And knowing BLM in our support groups who lost their babies past-due, oh, yeah, I'm all about getting my next baby(ies) out ahead of time, before *that* can happen. I may even buy a Doppler, something I poo-poo'd when I was pregnant with the twins. It's insanity all the way around.

Hope's Mama said...

Yep, that's exactly how it is. Just keep taking things one moment at a time
Love to you.

LookItsJessica said...

I definitely worry about overdue ladies. I thought it was just me, but something about someone getting to 41-42 weeks really makes me nervous. Just get that bb out!

Cute pic of your new little one, too!

Tiffany said...

YES!!!! i was a worrier before but losing Julius has kicked my anxiety into hyperdrive about everything. it's just so hard. thinking of you and praying that Jack's baby continues to do well. <3

Addi's mom said...

You are TOTALLY normal. I worry about every.little.thing and the not so little too, if worrying was a sport we could be in the freaking Olympics!

Your friend that is 40w 5d....that made me want to throw up because that's how far I was with Addi...if only I had known.

That picture of Jack's baby is pretty darn perfect :)

Becky said...

I was a nervous wreck while trying to get pregnant again and then nervous as hell the first couple months along praying to god I didn't somehow do harm to my baby. Not that I did harm to Liam but I still don't know what caused his Spina Bifida and would scream if that happened again with this baby. I have actually settled down a quite a but these past few weeks but now that I am getting close to the nuchal scan that first told me Liam had a chance of having a ntd I am starting to freak out again. So yes, I am way more worried than before.
And I am with you on getting those babies out. I am not supposed to go past 38 weeks ever or in labor but I am already determined I will be delivering this baby by 36, at the latest 37 tops. Hopefully the dr.'s will listen to your concerns and get Jack's baby out by 38 weeks!

Julie said...

Wow, I am not pregnant again yet, but I can relate to so much of what you write. Thank you for sharing! I think sending Christmas cards with Jack's photo is perfectly appropriate. You are a family and he is a major part of that and the most important part of the past year.

My son Bear was stillborn at term in May and we did send out announcements after he was born. My mom questioned whether I should just include a footprint, but it was important to me that his picture be on it. I needed people to understand that we had a baby who died, not a weird, abstract loss. I think it was hard for people to see his photos because it made it more real and so sad. But it also gave them a tiny glimpse into our grief. I am so glad I sent them out. If anyone was uncomfortable, I did not hear about it. Instead we received unbelievable support and everyone was so glad to see his beautiful little face. Numerous people said they still carry his photo around with them in their purses. I used tinyprints and just played around with the wording and font (for hours) until it worked. I love it!

For Christmas, I plan on sending out cards with a different photo of Bear's perfect feet with our hands around them. Our message will be one of love and warmth and peace. I am not ready to be cheery, but still want to reach out.

Peace to you and your family

Natasha said...

I worry about everything! I've always been that way but since we lost Aiden my anxiety level has gone through the roof. I too worry about pregnant ladies who go past their due date. It takes everything not to scream "get that baby out!!!!"

I can't figure out what I'm going to do with our Christmas cards this year. I plan to include Aiden but I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do it. Last year I was too out of it emotionally to even think about Christmas cards. I'm looking for ideas for this year now.

Continuing to pray for you and Jack's Baby- baby looks ADORABLE!!! sending lots of love!!!

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