I worry about other people's pregnancies. In the spring, an elementary school friend went 10 days overdue only to have her perfectly healthly (HUGE) baby boy. It took everything within me not to send her a note to say "get that baby out".... Because while it's really not my place, and no one wants a panicky FB message from a BLM, it freaked me out... I wanted to scream, "do you have any idea how many mommas lose their kids late in pregnancy, let alone when they're overdue?". I don't understand why pregnancy is 40 weeks long when so many babes are lost in those last 3 weeks... For me at least, I'm all about, get that baby out as soon as it's able to live outside the womb (I realize this is irrational, and not everyone is as crazy as I).
Yeh, so needless to say I managed to rope myself in and not do that, because seriously, I think I would scare the shite out of her. And she did go on to have a healthy baby, so it certainly is possible.
There's another one, who is 40.5 weeks pregnant and it's really hard not to tell her to get that baby out now. I realize so many moms go past their due date and have healthy babies to show for it. I understand that mommas want a natural child birth, I really do. But I just want them to avoid a stop in BLM land, where the sky is dark, and the nights silent. It just makes me so nervous.
And I didn't lose my baby in utero.
Even regular pregnancy announcements make me nervous, because now that I'm a BLM I worry about all the potential complications because I've seen so many of you experience them. I cringe when the people of FB announce pregnancies in what appears to be mere moments after conception.
As you can imagine, I'm going to be a walking nightmare for my OB. I'm a little worried she's going to think I'm crazy for all the extra testing, monitoring, NST, etcetera I am going to require to get myself to 38 weeks (God willing, of course). Of course I need these things, just as I need the doppler I keep saying I'm going to order, yet haven't. I'm nervous having it in my hands will mean I listen to baby all night, every night, and I worry I won't be able to find it's heartbeat.
I worry people will forget, or dismiss my love for my first baby boy if a second happens to be in the cards for us. I worry how I would feel if we welcomed a baby girl into our home, when I've anticipated a baby boy for 18 months now. Don't get me wrong, I'm just thrilled to be welcoming anyone at all, yet I worry about the consequences of both.
Soon my mail box will fill with Christmas cards and photos and this should be the year we could reciprocate, yet we're frozen in time. I want to send out Christmas cards with my baby boys beautiful face on it, similar to how she did it last year. It's so simple, so perfect, yet it says it all. But I worry about who I would send it to, and whether people would find it disturbing rather than beautiful. It breaks my heart to think some people might think it was disturbing, yet all at once I don't care. I've been searching Minted.com, TinyPrints, etc. for something which perfectly captures my boy, yet nothing quite reads "he is so loved and missed".
I'll like to be able to tell myself to relax and let things go. Sometimes I do a better job at it than other days... Sometimes I'm very much, "there's nothing I can do, so I might as well enjoy this time with Jack's Baby while I have it", and yet other times I think, "What if this all slips away?".
So far, Jack's Baby is looking great. I had the ultrasound for IPS on Friday and baby is measuring a couple days ahead of expected. I forgot to ask the heart rate, but she said it all looked good (but they also can't tell you anything, so...). Here is his/her Glamour Shot:
|Why, yes, that is a beard... lol|
Do you worry a lot more now?