Saturday, November 19, 2011

Just Breathe...

I was looking through the titles of my last few posts, and I sure do post about things which worry me! I feel like I need to put it out there into the blogosphere that I am happy, too. So here's a word-vomit of what I'm thinking and feeling.

I'm thankful very day for second chances, for another opportunity to be a mother. I'm thankful to Jack for sending this baby to me, and I'm appreciative of my husband for making another baby with me. I have to admit, I wasn't a lot of fun while we were ttc. It was all temperature shifts and timed sex and "we have to do it tonight even though you're drunk" (keeping it real people).  Sexy, huh? I'm just so glad the Clomid worked, and we conceived again.

Slowly people at work are starting to ask me if I'm pregnant, and I'm overjoyed to be able to say yes. Now that I've cleared the first trimester, I can breathe a little bit more. In no way, shape or form am I in the clear, but I'm on the road to getting where I need to be to make something of my life and his life, too. It's hard to have this blind faith in hoping for the best, while simultaneously grieving this boy of mine.

I'm looking forward to feeling movement on a regular basis, I love that part of pregnancy. The big ol' belly, the moving, squirming baby, these things make me happy. It's worth every second of vomiting. And then some.

Another 4 weeks and we'll be doing our anatomy scan. I need this date to pass, I need to know this baby is okay and that he or she may really be coming home with us.

I'm trying to remain as calm as possible these days. I don't want any additional stress, I don't want to think too much about what the next few months will be like. I take it hour by hour, day by day, and week by week. I'm hoping the hustle and bustle of the holiday season will keep time passing me by, even though it brings me closer to a year without Jack. To his first birthday which won't be anything like we had hoped one short year ago.

We're heading to Michigan this coming weekend to celebrate American Thanksgiving with my brother who attends university there and to enjoy our first turducken. I'm going outlet shopping and Target- am hoping to find some maternity clothes (including a coat) to get me through the winter.

Recipe for success?

I saw previews for the movie New Year's Eve when I went to watch Breaking Dawn (squeeeeeeeeeeal), and I got a little misty-eyed. There are the regular people who are looking for someone to kiss, the perfect dress for the occasion, etc. But then there's Jessica Beil's character, who happens to be in labour on NYE, which struck a little close to home, because that was me last NYE...  Bah, something tells me their story will end differently than ours did. Makes me sad though, it was such a great time to be pregnant, and such a great time for Jack to be born. The perfect day, the perfect month, the perfect birth date. And now it's a memory. A bitter-sweet one. It was the beginning of the end.

Breathe Laura, just breathe.

20 comments:

Kelly said...

(((hugs))) I knew Jack was born on the 1st, but didn't really process what NYE was like for you and what it will be for you this year. So unfair. I'm always thinking of you lady. Love ya.

LookItsJessica said...

I'm hoping the holidays keep things going too-- sometimes time seems to crawl... Also JEALOUS you're going to MI! Where does BIL attend school? We went to Michigan State.

LauraJane said...

@Jessica- he attends Saginaw Valley State... :)

Tiffany said...

I'm so happy you get a second chance to be a mommy again too! You'll have to let me know how the turducken is- you're brave to consider it especially when pregnant- I think about it and just gag!

Hope's Mama said...

Pregnancy after loss is crazy hard, no doubt about that. But it is not all doom and gloom, and you've certainly touched on this. By it's very nature, it is also an incredibly happy and exciting time, as you have been given a precious second chance. You're carrying new life and there is a great deal of hope and expectation that comes with that, along with the spine tingling fear and crippling anxiety. The one thing you need to do is balance the good and bad emotions and it sounds as if you're doing a great job of that.
xo

Natasha said...

In the middle of all your anxiety and fear there is SO much that you still are incredibly happy about. I'm so glad you shared all that with us :) I have to do the same thing some days- when the panic gets to be too much.

Will definitely be thinking of Little Jack on his birthday- a year is just too long without them. I'm so sorry friend.

Oh and just to share my turducken story- Nygel REFUSES to eat turducken! HA! Although he eats all those things seperately he says it's just not right to put them together that way! LOL! I'm sure your will be delicious :)

lissasue3 said...

I used to say Just Breathe to myself a lot. I may even have a post entitled that as well!

LOL at the keepin' it real, we've all been there.

I hope you start to feel movement soon and are able to enjoy every second of it.

Darcey said...

I went to Central Michigan University...just up the road from SVSU :)

Pregnancy after loss is such a difficult journey and process and it sounds like you are able to stay positive and that is so important.

I will be thinking of you and Jack as you get closer to his birthday :)

Monique said...

What Sally said - it's a hard road, pregnancy after loss, one that changes daily (hourly, by the minute) and you're doing a great job of finding the joy. Whatever you need to do to get through.

Addi's mom said...

Keeping it real haha Brian reffered to me as the sex nazi while we were ttc...glad that part is over for the both of us. Second chances are so important even if we will always long for our firsts...it's so unfair and yet there is some hope to be found somewhere in the future.

Never done the turducken before...will be interested to hear more! Brian has lots of family in Michigan Im hoping to make it out there one day. So nice you get to spend it with your brother.

I'm also looking forward to the big belly and regular kicks, but am getting more and more nervous about the anatomy scan because we know it's a lot more than just a gender reveal. I also kind of hate for me that it will be in December...Addison's month...there is always something isnt there?!?! Just breathe...yes we do need to remind ourselves of that as often as possible!

little vitu's mom said...

Thanks Laura..it's really a good tip to take a day at a time. Thinking about all the months to come in one go is so nerve-wrecking...
I had always noted baby Jack's perfect birthday and have wondered how something so perfect could go horribly wrong. And it's not everyone but just few like us. It's so strange.

Tiffany said...

Thinking of you as you approach Jack's birthday without him. Though it's hard, I like to think that their lives were just the beginning of this amazing family that we are going to have. One full of love, one in which no one is taken for granted. And it's all because of them and what they have taught us in the short time they were here. ((hugs))

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

I hope the months pass quickly to when you have your little treasure in your arms... and thinking of you too as you head towards Jack's birthday. I love how honest and loving your posts are... it's so understandable to have anxiety. You've been through so much. Love to you always xoxo

Natalie Ross said...

You are right, It was the perfect time to have a baby... A new start. A new year. (sigh) So sad. I am thinking of you and praying for you in this new year ahead. That you will find happiness and love again. I'm so sorry for your continued heartache and pain. I know it hurts so much. I'm missing Jack with you. =( He was precious and I love to look at his pictures.
Much Love,
Natalie

Brooke said...

Turducken. I think Brandy and I both puke together over that one.

LauraJane said...

Might be canceling Turducken.. I thought about what Tiffany said above, and to be honest I hadn't really thought about the act of eating it. Considering I struggle to eat chicken on the bone, I'm not sure it's worth the risk.

:|

crystal said...

I hope you guys have a wonderful trip. I am praying for you and so happy for you and your new bundle of joy that is on the way!!!

Caroline said...

Hope you have a great trip - and find a coat! :) I hope these next few weeks (and months) pass quickly for you!

TanaLee Davis said...

I hope you can do just that....breathe because in just a few months you belly will be wrapped around your lungs and you wont be able to. lol Hope you find what your looking for and I do want to say that im glad you can be happy despite the fears. hugs-
Felicia

Youngins said...

Jack is the cutest baby ever! I love your pictures! Love you!

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