Thursday, December 1, 2011

I'm Still Here

I'm still around, reading your posts and thinking about all the babies who would should be turning one in just a couple of days.

I'm left with a lack of words most days. I've said it all before: I miss him. I want him more than anything. I'd do anything to get him back. But words aren't enough, and repeating these statements ad nauseam does little to mend my broken heart.

He should have been eleven months old today. But he's not, and I don't know if or when I'll ever stop counting his anniversaries in the same way. He would have made such a cute Christmas elf or Santa Claus,  and I'm sad about not being able to take photos of him smiling and clucking under the Christmas tree.

Oh, a Christmas tree. We have a real tree every year. We pick it out at Home Depot, drag it home and place it in it's stand until the new year. Every year is the same- I stand hanging decorations on the tree, listening to Christmas carols while Scott mills around the house hanging things or evading decorating the tree. We use white lights, and gold and red themed ornaments. Each year, we collect an ornament from our travels (we have a Disney-themed ornament from our honeymoon in 2009, and a Rockafeller Centre ornament from NYC 2010). I don't think we picked one up this year, but I'll find somethings Jack-related to represent this year.

I've already decided we'll make an annual tradition of purchasing the Swarovski crystal stars.
My husband has been explicit about Christmas being cancelled this year. Last year, after we lost Jack, we came home to a dried up Christmas tree crying out to be tossed away. It breaks my heart to think we put it up with the knowledge Jack would be seeing his first Christmas tree, and took it down knowing he would never see another. My husband refuses to discuss getting a tree this year, or even acknowledge the Christmas cards which are beginning to roll in. He doesn't want Christmas presents or any talk of Christmas plans. It sounds ridiculous to anyone who doesn't know him, but Scott IS Christmas. He is the happiest person I know, he is always cheerful, and he lights up a room when he walks in it. But to see him dim around the holidays is hard. 

He turns thirty in fewer than 2 weeks and he also refuses to discuss any plans for any form of celebration. So we won't be having one. He can't imagine finding anything worth celebrating even though we do have this pregnancy to be grateful for. He's bitter, he's angry, and he's remembering just how hopeful we were just 11 months ago for a son to spoil this year. Each holiday party we attended last year was earmarked with, "next year we'll have a baby with us". Christmas day this year was to be the first of us staying home and family coming to visit us.

I'm trying really hard to look forward to the good we have in store in 2012 (please). The next several weeks promise to be the hardest yet as we endure our favourite holiday without our favourite boy. As we experience the last of the "firsts" and start to experience our "seconds without him".  There are happy things though- we have pieces of optimism and hope sprinkled in with our despair- we'll complete our anatomy scan with the hopes of a healthy baby, and we'll soon find out the gender of the sibling Jack has sent to us. There will be good days, mixed in with the bad. The hopes for a better outcome next Christmas.

Please, oh please.

16 comments:

Monique said...

I'm sorry that this Christmas isn't what it's supposed to be. They do get easier over time. The first is brutal though. Do whatever you need to get through and if that means cancelling on plans - so be it. Hang in there.

Molly said...

:( makes me sad that Scott is so sad. But I get it and don't blame him a bit. I would totally cancel Christmas if not for sloane. Love the crystal stars for jack-a-roo!

Kelly said...

I was just thinking of you, hoping you'd blog again soon. Although the topic is sad, happy to see you. Big hugs to you and Scott. Do whatever you all need to this year, even if it means canceling. I wish I could do the same. I was ready to knock all the decorations over yesterday that I put up after Thanksgiving. Sometimes I hate that damn happy twinkling tree. :(

Brooke said...

I'm right with Scott when it comes to Christmas (and when it came to my b'day) this year, and last year I was *SO* excited about the holiday--what I thought would be our last Christmas without little ones instead became our first without Eliza. I hope you find some bright spots of optimism and some soft moments of peace.

B. Wilson said...

Yep, agreeing and having nothing much to say otherwise. I understand Scott's anger and resentment toward anything celebratory. What a HAPPY time of year to be feeling like such garbage and missing someone that would've made the holidays pretty much a million times better than they ever were before. Hate this. It still stings quite a bit.

Sara @ Russet Street Reno said...

I can't imagine how hard that must be. Hopefully you can find a way to celebrate that makes you both feel happy this holiday season. I'm thinking about you, and thank you so much for your kind words about my baby news!

Natasha said...

So sad that your hubby is sad.....I wish things could be different for you guys......for all of us.

Jack's ornament is beautiful by the way :)

Sending you lots of love mama- xoxo

little vitu's mom said...

My husband and I have been bitter about holidays too. Hoping next Christmas is better for all of us, with living babies.

lissasue3 said...

Hugs to you and Scott. We haven't decorated yet but I hope to soon. Since we have an almost four year old it helps to see that excitement for xmas in her face even though it will never be the same for me again. <3

Amy von Oven said...

I know it should be different. Bethany has been gone two years and just this morning I just sat and starred at her ornaments, it seems so unfair! Praying for strength and wisdom for you guys.

Tiffany said...

pleading for a better christmas next yr for all of us. i do understand you hubby completely. i used to be all about the holidays. before we even got pg with Julius i would send out cards at the beginning of dec from me and D. i played christmas carols all dec long. i was all about buying gifts and being happy. then Juju passed away. and like your hubby, i find little to celebrate. even now in the midst of our happiness. the mere thought that my amazing little boy will never be able to celebrate a christmas changes everything for me.

will i ever be as happy around the holidays as i was before Julius' passed away? i doubt it. but maybe one day i will be able to celebrate in a new way. i have bought him a little ceramic light up christmas tree that i plan to put up on his spot on our dresser in future christmases. and i plan to get him a keepsake ornament every yr, so that when we do put up a tree he will always have ornaments on it. but it's just a matter of when i will feel up to the holidays again.

Tiffany said...

btw, happy early birthday to scott. i turned 30 in jan right after christmas, and also didn't give a flip about celebrating or even acknowledging the day.

TanaLee Davis said...

Oh....Its a teary thing to see our men depressed or even angry. When we know all they want to hold what once was. I know this time of year brings on many thoughts and memories, my hope is that some how it will be positive for you and new memories filled with some smiles can illuminate your thoughts for the coming years. Thinking of you and your man along with Jacks baby,
Felicia

LookItsJessica said...

It's so hard to see husbands feeling defeated and sad. I'm sorry that Scott is not up for Christmas this year but no one could blame him, its been an unimaginable year for you guys. We're not doing anything for Christmas this year either (mostly because we live far from fam) and I'm not even cooking. It will be a nice Thai dinner for us.

I will be anxiously awaiting reading about the gender of Jack's little bro or sis!! I know the holidays are nothing like they used to be but I am hoping for at least a peaceful winter season for you guys.

Becky said...

Your poor husband, he just loves and misses that little boy so much. It just isn't fair that this holiday season can't be filled with more happiness.

Addi's mom said...

I don't blame Scott at all, but it is so sad that this is the reality. All these firsts without our sweet babies and if that isn't bad enough there will be seconds and thirds etc. so unfair. If we could fast forward through the holidays I would vote for that. Although since our expectations are set SO low maybe they won't be quite as bad as we think...that's me trying to be optimistic...not buying it? Me either :)

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