But I don't know that I, myself, have done anything to make me feel pride in my actions. I've mentioned before that I feel as though I failed him. I should have known he was sick. I'm his mother- it's my job to protect him from harm, and I couldn't do that. I feel a lot of shame about it, even know I realize there isn't anything I could have done. It doesn't stop the hurt and the pain which comes with letting him down. For letting everyone down.
I feel like I should do more. Start a foundation which bares his name. Collect toys for donation in his memory. Raise awareness for organ donation. Something. Anything. But I haven't, and I likely won't because it's all I can do to not cry when someone speaks of him to me.
What I am proud of though is that I like to think I have a higher capacity to love now that I know what it means to lose it all. I honestly believe I will cherish the heck out of my kids in a way I doubt a parent who has never experienced any form of loss could. This isn't about who loves whose children more, believe me, I know
I came across this quote, which I believe represents every one of us BLMs. We've been dealt the worst hand imaginable, but we'll come out more beautiful because of it. It may not be even nearly enough, but it's something.
|Courtesy of Pinterest|