Wednesday, December 7, 2011

On Becoming Beautiful...

I've struggled with pride a lot since we lost the love of our lives. On one hand, I am incredibly proud of him. I am overwhelming proud of his perfect little body. Of his sweet little gasps and fake cries- he was a drama queen and I love him. I'm proud of my husband, for being a daddy when it was called for, and I'm proud of his insistence on the Organ Donation surgery which made our little man a hero on January 11, 2011- his final gift to the world.

But I don't know that I, myself, have done anything to make me feel pride in my actions. I've mentioned before that I feel as though I failed him. I should have known he was sick. I'm his mother- it's my job to protect him from harm, and I couldn't do that.  I feel a lot of shame about it, even know I realize there isn't anything I could have done. It doesn't stop the hurt and the pain which comes with letting him down. For letting everyone down.

I feel like I should do more. Start a foundation which bares his name. Collect toys for donation in his memory. Raise awareness for organ donation. Something.  Anything. But I haven't, and I likely won't because it's all I can do to not cry when someone speaks of him to me.

What I am proud of though is that I like to think I have a higher capacity to love now that I know what it means to lose it all. I honestly believe I will cherish the heck out of my kids in a way I doubt a parent who has never experienced any form of loss could. This isn't about who loves whose children more, believe me, I know every most parents loves their kids beyond all measure. But rather, this gaping hole which exists because Jack no longer does, has shown me a level of love and grief I never knew possible until I had my dream torn from my arms.

I came across this quote, which I believe represents every one of us BLMs. We've been dealt the worst hand imaginable, but we'll come out more beautiful because of it. It may not be even nearly enough, but it's something.
Courtesy of Pinterest





13 comments:

Kelly said...

Love this. I think I'm gonna steal it. Love you, too!

TanaLee Davis said...

I love this quote and I too believe that I would be the same to any future child of mine due to my loss. I think its b/c once you've lost something it means more than the world to you. Something you'd give up your life for if only for just a second longer with them. How can you really appreciate what you have until its gone right? Within a blink of an eye a life can change...will we be brave and strong enough to remember our faults and losses and not repeat them being dull in our thinking? I swear we BLMS will not let this be us but unfortunately some have fallen in this way of thinking. Will we?
Hugs-
Felicia

Caroline said...

love this. I know I would have loved Finn no matter what, but I also know that I cherish that love so much more. Everything is amazing and wonderful. Everything - the messy diapers, 3am nursing, fussy cries - it all is beautiful and while it may stress me out and make me crazy, I also know that I love him more deeply because of his brother.

crystal said...

That was such a beautiful post. You are so right until you have loved someone and had them taken away from you, you never know what it's like. Thanks for this post, I needed to read it tonight!!!

Rhiannon said...

Beautiful and so true <3

Darcey said...

Absolutely Beautiful!!! Losing a child has a way of putting things in a certain perspective I hoped i never would have. I do cherish the little things a little more with my living children knowing it will never be experienced with Logan.

Burt Fam said...

First time commenting, though I've been quietly hanging around for a month or so now. Thank you for this beautiful post. What's more, as a BLM just starting down this path (lost my twin boys, stillborn, 8 weeks ago), I hope you know you have done things to be proud of in this: you put yourself on the line in a very public way and women like me are benefitting from your perspective and honesty. So thank you.

Brooke said...

Oh, LJ. I don't think you could do more to love that sweet baby of yours. Every word you write echos the love you feel for him, and it may be that the best way you can honor Jack is to go on and love his little brothers and sisters with the same intensity. Like you said, we only know the depth of love when we've felt the grief that matches it. And you've felt more than enough of that.

Tiffany said...

you should be EXTREMELY proud of yourself for being such a loving mother even in the depth of your despair. this blog is testament of that love. i can feel your love and your grief so clearly. you are making sure EVERYONE knows about the precious life that you had the privilege of birthing into this world. and your words have helped me feel not so alone in the depth of my despair. you are helping people. there is no doubt about that.

as far as starting a foundation, etc. girl, don't rush/push yourself. we are doing well enough to just get out of bed every day. we are missing our little men. our hearts are broken beyond repair. and you are preparing to welcome Jack's baby into the world. you have a lot on your plate. take it 1 day at a time. and i'm sure when you are ready, you will have an awesome idea of what else you can do to memorialize Jack.

sometimes my ideas come to me when i least expect it. almost as if the idea was sent to me by Julius.

sending you love...

Rose said...

Hi, I am also a BLM and I just wanted to give you some virtual hugs. Don't you wish this whole holiday season was over and done with already? I'm struggling with ways to honor my son but it all just seems so hard. I've been doing some things but some things just don't feel right. :o( Thinking of you.

Becky said...

You truly are a beautiful, amazing mother to Jack and will be to all his brothers and sister. This part of your post I think is so powerful, "Has shown me a level of love and grief I never knew possible until I had my dream torn from my arms."

I also agree that the quote really does fit all of us blm's completely. I might have to copy that for my blog.

lissasue3 said...

Love - stealing and posting on FB.

Hope's Mama said...

I felt all I could do for Hope was write. I didn't do any of those things you listed in this post, and I often felt guilty for that. But we all do what we can, and put us all together, we do make a pretty strong and supportive community.
xo

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