Sunday, January 15, 2012

When You're Dreaming With a Broken Heart...

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part.
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...."
-John Mayer

So before I write anything I want you, dear reader, to realize that this is all part of my grieving process, and I'm am not an evil person. I wouldn't dare pretend to speak for anyone else, as this whole "thing" is so individual... I feel like I might get some quiet judgement for writing this, but it's truly how I've felt, and so here it is...

Until just a few weeks ago, I would have wished away my little girl just to have Jack back. I would think how perhaps if I offered her up to the universe, perhaps I would be rewarded with his return... I would straight up have traded her life for his.

There- I wrote it, it's out there for the universe to condemn me. 

I would have given up ever knowing this little person just to have her little brother back and forget any of the things we've experienced in the past year. All of that, just to have him. 

But now? Now I couldn't, and I wouldn't. I couldn't give her up. She's given me so much light in such a dark place. Her little kicks and jerks? They give me a reason to smile on the gloomiest of days. I love her, plain and simple. As the weeks slowly passed and the reality of  her  (hopefully) coming home to live (and keep forever) with us in four months (please), has grown more real, I know in my heart I could never choose. And luckily, that choice isn't mine to make. I love her totally and completely, and without any reservation, completely independent of my love of him.

It's hard, because I still want him with all of my heart. I suspect I will always want him, and long for him and the life we would have known together. In a way, I've been able to accept he was never mind to keep. It's almost like that makes it easier on some level, to know he was only able to be with me temporarily, and if it could only be for a minute, I'm still glad that he was here. I'd do it all over again, even if the same results prevailed. I would never give up on him.

It's heartbreaking to wrap my head around. All this time, the past twelve months which has passed since he was here have been all about him. Of losing him. Of learning to pick up the pieces and create some semblance of a life without someone who was so dearly wanted. Of wanting to make his legacy live on in some way, and I think they way it will be is through his siblings, of which I hope to provide many.

Sometimes I wonder why I didn't get to keep both of my babies... One of the non-BLM blogs which I "follow" had a little girl weeks after I had Jack, and she's mere weeks behind me in pregnancy #2...  Her daughter and her new baby will be nearly the same distance in age as Jack and his sister will be... And I wonder, why does she get to be so blessed as to know and love both of her babies?  I can't even imagine that level of happiness, completely devoid of broken hearted-ness, and the significant crossing of fingers I have been doing for the past six months just to get to 22 weeks in this pregnancy.

And I feel guilty for thinking about him versus her. I want both, I want both of my babies to be in my arms and in my life. But it isn't an option, and I have to remind myself, consciously sometimes, that loving her does not negate my love for him. I have no reason to feel guilty- that my love for her is because of him, as it is only through losing him I have gained the capacity to love that much deeper, and so I remain thankful for those small little gifts he has given to me.

I love them both. Equally. I will want them both, forever.


Tiffany said...

I completely understand. I had moments myself before we met her in which I would say that I wanted him back over being pg with her. It's just that I knew him, he was real to me & at the time, she was still sort of like a figment of my imagination. I have loved her sense the beginning & I seriously never wanted to choose one over the other but I just want him back. Well now she's here and I couldnt imagine life without her & I STILL don't want life without him. He's still in my every thought and I wonder what kind of brother he would be. I see a lot of him in her. She makes us laugh. She makes us talk about him more. And like you I still don't understand why this is our reality :(

Hope's Mama said...

A mother's heart is greedy. We will always want all of our babies. Always.
And I knew a few people to have babies very close together, just as Hope and Angus were and I wondered, why not me? Why couldn't I keep them both? I hear of people say "wow, 15 months is close!" when speaking to people of two living babies, but the same adoration doesn't seem to be held for the likes of us, when the older one is no longer with us.
Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

"I love them both. Equally. I will want them both, forever."

I love this line. It makes total sense. Alive or dead...we want them all forever.

Sherri said...

No judgement from me.... in fact I applaud you for actually writing it!! I've felt that way before too......
Hugs to you!

Molly said...

Did it change for ubwhen u found out the sex.... Not bc of the sex of course, but when I found out I was carrying another little boy, that's when it changed for me bc it made it REAL. It wasn't real to me before that, so it would have been easy to trade. Does that make sense? That's how it was for me at least.

Melissa said...

Forgive me as I'm reading your post and typing this comment with Lorelei's LeapPad in my ear, which annoys me. Hopefully my post will make sense.

Anyone who has been in your situation understands your position of trading one for the other. Especially before the baby seems real -- before those little punches, kicks, and rolls.

Here's something to condemn me - I'm not sure I would do it all over again. I'm not sure the short time I had with Charlotte was worth all this pain and loss of innocence.

Darcey said...

I totally understand what you feel and think it is completely normal. I agree with what Molly said...once I knew what I was having I was able to seperate the two (even though having another boy has given me its own set of issues).
I am finally at the end of this pregnancy after loss ride and before I just wished for I find myself just praying for Layton and his safe, healthy, LIVING arrival and I sometimes feel incredibly guilty about that. I still miss Logan so much, but right now most of my focus is getting his brother here and believe it or not, it really is a nice break sometimes from the constant grieving.

LauraJane said...

I'm not sure whether it was when we found out her gender, or whether it was a specific point in this pregnancy... All I know for sure is that there was a definite shift in my thoughts, and feelings, and now I feel like I "know" her as a separate baby who needs and deserves to be loved as her own person. Does that make sense?

Melissa: I think your feelings are normal too- I feel like we've been made to be that much more vulnerable now that we know... Yikes. :(

Kelly said...

No judgment. In the beginning of this pregnancy, while I was barfing and could hardly stay awake, when I started my shots, when I started the cramps my body likes to have while pregnant, all I could think was, I should be done with this! I was supposed to be done with Adam, and I was so angry I was going through it again. Sounds horrible cuz this was a planned pregnancy, but it didn't change how I felt. My feelings have definitely changed, but they didn't completely disappear. I have a blog post in my head about this that I won't subject you to here. :) Bottom line, you're not alone sister!

Amy L. said...

Laura, I have wondered about this myself. We're still trying to conceive our rainbow after losing our ART twins in the second trimester, and I've read so many other BLM bloggers who have written they're grateful for their rainbow, even though they know their rainbow would not have existed if their lost baby (or babies) had lived. At times in the last few weeks, I've found myself wondering if I would have been better off NEVER conceiving the twins, so that I wouldn't have to know the pain of loss or the fear that I'll never conceive again...I mean, given it was my first pregnancy after 3.5 years, what would another year of BFNs really hurt? I know it wouldn't have hurt like this does. At the same time, I love them to the depths of my sould and I wouldn't know that love, either. It's so hard to wrap my head around...

But you are not judged, sister. No way, no how.

SG said...

No judgement here. It's all so complicated - maybe it would even be complicated to add a child to the family even without being a babyloss mom? Not that we'll ever know.

B. Wilson said...

We've talked about this before. I understand this pain and I completely agree that these complex feelings are terrible to have.

Becky said...

I have thought that many times along with so many other thought that I just can't seem to write about. I guess I always feel people are gonna think I don't love this girl and appreciate that she's with me if I say that I just want him back and would trade it all in in a sec to be with him again. I do love her but I just miss him in so so much and the life I had planned with him and I hate people making me feel like he's in the past.
And I really wish I could get some kind of explanation also as to why everyone I know seems to have multiple babies and I am left being the one who loses theirs. I just found out another friend is pregnant again and our kids would've both been close in age:(

LookItsJessica said...

Evil person? Never ever in a million years! It is all so complicated and painful. On top of loss, we are forced to recon with feelings and hypothetical choices that we should never ever have to face.

In the end, I'm just so happy that your little girl has brought some light and joy back into your life.

Emily said...

You're not evil. Actually sometimes I worry that I'm evil because now could never imagine having Aidan if it meant I didn't get Kaia. Perhaps it's that I've learned to live without him, but I hope never ever to have to learn to live without her. Bottom's complicated any way you slice it.

Brooke said...

You know I have felt (feel?) the exact same way. But then there are times when I feel like my broken heart grows so big I have to have room for two babies... It's impossibly hard. But we don't get to choose, so I'm trying really hard to be grateful for hope at this point.

Renel said...

You don't have to feel guilty. Honestly we try to make sense of the crazy in our heads and the events we have no control over. I remember when Camille was born...I told my best friend who was there: "If I had to choose, I would rather it be this baby than Kai" ~I know I was just trying to console myself. I don't know....I know I didn't choose. People should never have to choose between children. We didn't have a choice, it was made for us. We just keep loving the ones we still have...lots of love to you.

Caroline said...

Totally understand this. Had Cale lived, there's no way, unless it was a total accident/fluke, that I would have gotten pregnant again so fast. So had he lived, Finley would most likely not be here. Yet I want BOTH my boys. I can't imagine a world without Finley, but can't imagine not having Cale in this world, even if it's this way. Lots of love to you

Natasha said...

You're not evil- you miss your boy. Those feelings are real and it's ok to say it.

This reality is very unfair and I will forever be asking the question of why I can't have them both. I can't imagine our world without Mason but I STILL cannot understand why Aiden is not here.

Sending lots of love to you and as always praying for your sweet girl.


Libby said...

I have a 3yr old and I have also had 12 failed IVF's after her, people tell me I'm lucky I have my daughter and to just enjoy her. Yet I still mourn for the babies that never became mine.
You met him, cuddled him, loved him and then lost him....I cannot imagine your pain but I know how much pain I go through for my non-existent babies.
As my counselor said just yesterday 'you have the right to feel any emotion you want and to mourn any way you need too'. Your daughter will never replace your son, but she will bring you joy in her own way.
One day at a time and some days, one hour at a time. xoxo

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