If I were a good blogger, I would have pretty photos to show you... But I'm not, and so I don't. ha. I totally forgot my camera, and haven't left Whistler Village, so I've left the photo taking to Scott and his phone camera... He went heliskiing with two of his friends yesterday and has not stopped talking about the breathtaking views and fantastic fresh snow. I've seen a few of the photos, they're pretty spectatular.
He's promised to take me up the gondola, and perhaps that is what we will do tomorrow. I'm looking forward to exploring a little bit- it is absolutely breathtaking here, the sky has been clear the last couple of days and the mountains are gorgeous. I wish I knew a stronger adjective to discribe it, but I really don't.
Scott's been skiing each and every day since we arrived while I've been partaking in lots of shopping, massages, and facials. Oh, and naps. You would think I'm the one who has been physically exhausting my body because I have been napping like it's going out of style. I'm the one you'll find in the hotel room watching Netflix until housekeeping comes along, then I pretend I have somewhere better to be for 1/2 hour while the room is refreshed and I can crawl back into freshly made
The downside of having all this free time is that I've had a lot of time to renumerate over the past year and all the should have beens and all the might have hads. Today has been a little sad and I've found myself on the verge of tears several times when I think how much I wish I had Jack here with me, dressed in an adorable outfit and loving his momma. Bah. There are so many cute kids walking around with their parents and I can't help but think how different this vacation would be if we still had him.
How I wish we had him.
I miss him. I hate that I'll only ever know a little piece of who he might had been, and that stings. I'll never have thumbnail heart Valentine's Day cards with his long spindly fingers. I'll never be able to swoop him up and cover his face in kisses while he giggles.
And so now that we're a few months out from meeting our little girl, it's emphasizing how much it is that we'll never get to do with him. I'm beginning to have dreams of her, and what life would be like when she arrives. The dreams have shifted since my days of anticipating Jack... There is far more pink in my home than ever before, and I've been eyeing baby bathingsuits for a wedding we have in Jamaica in November. I can't bring myself to pull the trigger on purchasing them, it seems like I'm tempting fate to plan that much into the future... Crazy, right? I have so many wishes and hopes and dreams for Jack's darling baby sister, but I feel like a schmuck looking forward to the possibility of watching her grow when I failed to provide the same for him. I'm trying to be gentle on myself as I know nothing I do can change the outcome of any of this, but it does weigh heavily upon me as we crawl towards the "finish" line.
It seems strange to me that people tell us to enjoy our last baby-free vacation, "because it's all about to change"... I want to remind them that I would do anything to already be covered in animal cracker drool and be held back from skiing because my little guy can't yet do it. For realz. It's all I can do to just look at people when this garbage pours from their mouths. bah.
When I was getting a facial on the weekend the esthetician asked me whether this was my first pregnancy, and I answered it was not. She inevitably asked how old my first was, and so I told her he would have been a year. Her response was "oh, I'm so sorry. I feel awkward now". HA! Imagine that- I make you feel awkward because my kid died. Sorry! Whatever, I know she doesn't get it and in all fairness I likely shouldn't have bothered to tell her since I'll never see her again, and yet I can't bring myself to deny him, and so I don't. I figure better she feel akward than I feel horrible I didn't acknowledge him...
It's lovely to be away from Toronto and have ourselves a little break. The vacation is definitely doing what I hoped it would- it's a distraction from the day-to-day and I'll be 27 weeks pregnant by the time we arrive home... I guess I just thought I would find it more rejuvenation to have a bit of a break, but it seems the sadness knows how to travel province to province alongside me. You really can't massage grief away (believe me, I've tried).