Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Have Grief, Will Travel.

I'm writing from beautiful Whistler, British Columbia. I've never been anywhere near this west before (um, the most western I've ever been is Michigan, ha!)

If I were a good blogger, I would have pretty photos to show you... But I'm not, and so I don't. ha. I totally forgot my camera, and haven't left Whistler Village, so I've left the photo taking to Scott and his phone camera... He went heliskiing with two of his friends yesterday and has not stopped talking about the breathtaking views and fantastic fresh snow. I've seen a few of the photos, they're pretty spectatular.

He's promised to take me up the gondola, and perhaps that is what we will do tomorrow. I'm looking forward to exploring a little bit- it is absolutely breathtaking here, the sky has been clear the last couple of days and the mountains are gorgeous. I wish I knew a stronger adjective to discribe it, but I really don't.

Scott's been skiing each and every day since we arrived while I've been partaking in lots of shopping, massages, and facials. Oh, and naps. You would think I'm the one who has been physically exhausting my body because I have been napping like it's going out of style. I'm the one you'll find in the hotel room watching Netflix until housekeeping comes along, then I pretend I have somewhere better to be for 1/2 hour while the room is refreshed and I can crawl back into freshly made not by me sheets. haha.

The downside of having all this free time is that I've had a lot of time to renumerate over the past year and all the should have beens and all the might have hads. Today has been a little sad and I've found myself on the verge of tears several times when I think how much I wish I had Jack here with me, dressed in an adorable outfit and loving his momma. Bah. There are so many cute kids walking around with their parents and I can't help but think how different this vacation would be if we still had him.

How I wish we had him.

I miss him. I hate that I'll only ever know a little piece of who he might had been, and that stings. I'll never have thumbnail heart Valentine's Day cards with his long spindly fingers. I'll never be able to swoop him up and cover his face in kisses while he giggles.

And so now that we're a few months out from meeting our little girl, it's emphasizing how much it is that we'll never get to do with him. I'm beginning to have dreams of her, and what life would be like when she arrives. The dreams have shifted since my days of anticipating Jack... There is far more pink in my home than ever before, and I've been eyeing baby bathingsuits for a wedding we have in Jamaica in November. I can't bring myself to pull the trigger on purchasing them, it seems like I'm tempting fate to plan that much into the future... Crazy, right? I have so many wishes and hopes and dreams for Jack's darling baby sister, but I feel like a schmuck looking forward to the possibility of watching her grow when I failed to provide the same for him. I'm trying to be gentle on myself as I know nothing I do can change the outcome of any of this, but it does weigh heavily upon me as we crawl towards the "finish" line.

It seems strange to me that people tell us to enjoy our last baby-free vacation, "because it's all about to change"... I want to remind them that I would do anything to already be covered in animal cracker drool and be held back from skiing because my little guy can't yet do it. For realz. It's all I can do to just look at people when this garbage pours from their mouths. bah.

When I was getting a facial on the weekend the esthetician asked me whether this was my first pregnancy, and I answered it was not. She inevitably asked how old my first was, and so I told her he would have been a year. Her response was "oh, I'm so sorry. I feel awkward now". HA! Imagine that- I make you feel awkward because my kid died. Sorry! Whatever, I know she doesn't get it and in all fairness I likely shouldn't have bothered to tell her since I'll never see her again, and yet I can't bring myself to deny him, and so I don't. I figure better she feel akward than I feel horrible I didn't acknowledge him...

It's lovely to be away from Toronto and have ourselves a little break. The vacation is definitely doing what I hoped it would- it's a distraction from the day-to-day and I'll be 27 weeks pregnant by the time we arrive home... I guess I just thought I would find it more rejuvenation to have a bit of a break, but it seems the sadness knows how to travel province to province alongside me. You really can't massage grief away (believe me, I've tried).


Kelly said...

(((hugs))) Your vacation sounds divine, minus the sadness you are feeling. I've also felt myself feeling guilty for being excited for baby girl, knowing that I don't have Adam to do the same. Same goes for all the tempting fate stuff. And I can't believe people that know you are telling you to enjoy your last baby-free vacation. That's just awful.

Hope's Mama said...

Ack, we took a couple of trips when preg with Angus (because we could, because there was no baby) and I hated getting those comments. Like really hated it. So I feel for you, mama.
Thinking of you as the weeks slowly tick down for you.

Molly said...

Yes, better for her to feel awkward for an hr or so than for u to feel terrible for days for denying jack. Glad you are enjoying relaxing.

Caroline said...

Oh how wonderful it would be if we could massage grief away. Oh you just had your world flipped upside down? Well fret not my friend, let me work on those shoulders . . . oh that would be nice.

Nicole said...

Loving the idea of all the pampering...sorry that it's being shadowed with the sadness and could-have-beens.

I'm glad that you didn't lie about Jack and this not being your first pregnancy. I mean, seriously, poor girl, I hate that you made her uncomfortable! Dang! I mean, you just feel as comfortable as can be, carrying around all the grief and sadness. I hate it when people act that way, like OUR stories are hard for THEM. That really hits a nerve with me! Can you tell? ;)

little vitu's mom said...

Your vacation sounds mouth-watering, but I completely understand how much you might have missed Jack.

My New Normal said...

Your vacation sounds lovely. I'm sorry about the sadness, but I think sometimes it just needs to come out. Especially with all the massage and relaxing. In order to fully relax sometimes we have to release our sadness as well as our muscle tension. Tears are a release and overall I think they're good for you.

At yoga yesterday the instructor asked if this was my first baby. My answer?? Well it's not my first pregnancy. She seemed to get the message and didn't ask any more questions after that. I may start using it as my standard answer when people ask.

Jaylee1700 said...

I love your realness if that is even a real word. I love the statement about I would rather her feel awkward than you feel horrible. I'm struggling right now a pregnancy loss that required me to need chemo. I currently hate being around my usual crowd of people that have not struggled with something and their lives seem so rainbow and butterflies. I'm having such a hard time relating to them it is painful. I'm glad you are enjoying your vacation.

Melissa said...

I have always found that travelling is just not the same since losing Mikayla. It's sometimes impossible to not think about what your life should be. I hope you still had a relaxing trip, and remember that sometimes it's good to let that sadness in...it's part of the grief journey, however little we may like it.

Melissa said...

Ugh, why do people say such stupid things? Of course you'd rather be with Jack than having a last chance vacation without kids. And people probably said that to you when you were pregnant with Jack too, why don't people realize this?

I'm glad you're getting away and that it's a beautiful place. :)

Becky said...

I just got back from a weekend away on the Oregon coast and couldn't help but feel sad that Liam wasn't here with me on vacation either.
"It seems strange to me that people tell us to enjoy our last baby-free vacation, "because it's all about to change"..." Those people suck!

Tiffany said...

I had to laugh at the lady's "now I feel awkward" comment. As if Jack should have just stayed alive to she didn't have to feel awkward. Or that you should have just denied him... Yes lady- it's awkward. Believe it or not, it's not exactly easy for us to say we have a dead kid...
But your vacation sounds AMAZING and I wish I was there!!

Mama Bear said...

Good for you for napping and treating yourself. It certainly doesn't take away the sadness, but at least it feels good in the short term.

I agree that grief follows you, but I can feel Bear's presence stronger when I get out of town, away from the routine and surrounded by natural beauty. I hope Jack finds you in the gondola!

It also makes me sad that we are able to go out to dinner without getting a babysitter or go on vacay. I'd give anything to have to plan my trip around my nine-month old boy.

To the people who say "it's all about to change" I want to say: It already changed!!

B. Wilson said...

I'm so glad you're vacationing right now. Despite grief literally following us everywhere we go (I tried to drop mine off in the Bahamas. FAIL.), it's still nice to getaway as a couple.

Set all those strangers straight and be that protective mama bear Jack still needs. You will always be his mama and making someone sad for a moment is hardly a concern that we should be worrying about.

Hopefully this is just what you guys needed to get you through the next few months. :)

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