She offered to arrange for a social worker or psychiatrist if I would like an assessment as we get closer to our little lady's due date. The very thought of a psychiatrist is enough to make me squirrelly as I deal with them on a professional level all the time and I have a lot of difficultly buying into it. I can anticipate what my diagnosis would be- PTSD, possibly Major Depressive Disorder, Chronic... But yeh, really, at this point I don't want someone to tell me what's wrong or how to fix it. What's wrong is that my baby died, and how to fix it is to try and focus on the positives which have come from all of this: supportive, best, most amazing husband in the world, relatively supportive friends and family (bat shit crazy in-laws not included). I tend to think I'm doing very well all things considering, and am not really interested in being told my grieving is inappropriate... Does that make sense? I don't want to talk about it with someone who hasn't experienced this/lived through this/knows me.
I'm very much a "take the bull by the horns" kind of person, so I know I have to face my fear head-on, and nothing short of exposing myself to my fears is going to resolve this or make it any easier. I did say I wouldn't mind talking to someone AFTER baby arrives, but then at the same time I get nervous at the thought of someone watching me and judging my actions with our baby since I know I'm going to be extremely emotional about it.
Anyways, that sorta went on a tangent I wasn't planning to write about, but it is what it is.
We talked about due dates and scheduling our c-section. She seemed to initially be under the impression I wanted to have baby girl super early (like in April?) and I assured her that wasn't my intention. I did tell her of my conversations with my prior OB about delivery at 38 weeks and that I was comfortable with that. She then mentioned recent studies which support babies seem to do better if scheduled sections are completed after 39 weeks... So this is where I kinda got nervous, because if I'm being honest, I don't WANT to wait to 39 weeks... I'm not really comfortable with it since I had Jack at 39 weeks and I'm nervous about going in to labour prior to the scheduled date- with my previous c-section, I'm incredibly anxious about my uterus rupturing... I'm also anxious because I don't want to go into labour and expose this baby to whatever infection killed my son... It's just not something I'm ever going to be comfortable with... The other thing which makes me want the 38 week section is that depending on which date I go by, Jack may have been 38 weeks (based on his original dating ultrasound, which was then moved forward by a week when they thought he measured ahead?).
The last and most superficial of it all? I turn thirty on May 7th... And ever since we started talking 38 week c-section, I've focused on having her on May 4th- 37W6... My thought process being that I would love to be discharged and heading home to start our "new life" on my thirtieth birthday- something about it seems romantic in a weird way... Having a love-in for my birthday with my baby and my husband is my idea of a dream-come-true, and knowing that may not happen makes me sad. Dumb, right? So the new OBGYN suggested we could look at mid-38 weeks, which puts me at my birthday or the day following which would be a great consolation prize... We should know a specific scheduled date in the next month or 6 weeks.
I realize how stupid it is in that it's just a few days difference, and that a year from now or more this will seem like such a petty thing to be worrying about, but still, it's hard. Every single day, especially those last few ones, are going to be oh.so.hard.
Anyway, after this we did the usual stuff: measuring my belly, listening to the horse galloping within my stomach, and talking about my stretch marks. ha.
All in all, I feel good about the appointment. We have an appointment in 4 weeks, then we start the bi-weekly sessions and I'm looking forward to that, too. I also get to have my delicious orange soda/glucose test at my next appointment, so that's something else to look forward to
Anyway, I wanted to put this out there, since it's been bothering me since my appointment earlier today. I actually got into my car to drive home and burst into tears at the unfairness of all of this. I called Scott to tell him about the appointment and I just cried. It's not the unfairness of the c-section date, but the unfairness of not having my little boy at home waiting for me... At the unfairness of even being in this situation in the first place... Of just wanting her (them both?) here, safe and sound, as soon as possible and not to drag on this pregnancy unnecessarily if there's no added benefit to it. I want to be one of those numb pregnant women who just prances through pregnancy without any thoughts that this baby won't make it. Do I ever...
Does all of this make me crazy?