Monday, February 20, 2012

"You Said He"...

We're back from Whistler after a one night stay in Vancouver. It was fabulous and I'm a little sad it's over. It totally did what I wanted though, helped the time pass quickly after the days had begun to drone on a little up until we left for the trip. I'm back to work tomorrow (today was Family Day here in Ontario so we had the day off together), and I'm not looking forward to clearing voicemails and returning calls. Boo. Oh well, another couple of months and I'm done for a year (... goes without saying I'm hoping it works out that way this time...).

Yesterday, I was describing to Scott the switch from random kicks and jabs to the rolling sensations I've begun to feel over the past few days. He's a lot more invested in feeling her movements than he ever was with Jack... I think he was freaked out by the whole pregnancy/alien-esque movements the first time and hadn't really known what to expect. This time around? This time around he's surprised me by sticking his hand randomly on my belly and giving it a soft little rub or pat. He's attempting to interact with her through pokes back after a kick, or "tickles" after she shuffles her booty from one side of my abdomen to the other (can it still be called that if I have no muscles left in there? ;)). It's very sweet.

And I got off topic. Anyway, I was laughing after a particularly rambunctious set of rolls from my left to my right side which Scott had missed by mere seconds... I was attempting to describe the odd sensation when he interrupted me.

"You said he", he announced.

I did. I totally did. I catch myself sometimes, describing how/what/when "he" is doing something. I'm used to it at this point, I think it's so fluid in my pregnancy language that it's hard to remember that it's not in fact a he, but a little she in there this time. It seems much more natural to talk about a "him" than a "her", even though I've known her nearly as long as I've known him. I suppose when you think about it, I've known about "him" for nearly two years, and about her for only 2 months or so... It's strange, I don't necessarily feel badly about it, but I do feel a little odd that I continue to have these subconscious slip-ups.

For those pregnant after a loss with a baby of a different gender, do you catch yourself doing this? Or for those pregnant/ holding their subsequent same-gendered baby, do you refer to them by the name of their older brother/sister?
---

I had a dream about Jack for the first time the other night. I've waited a year for one.  It was only sort of like him, and the circumstances are a little foggy. I know I was going in to deliver her, and when they handed her to me, I immediately recognized that this was Jack, and not our little girl. I was confused, but didn't want to say anything as I felt like my time with him was fleeting... I was so happy to have him once again. I remember looking him over and he was definitely a boy, and definitely my sweet little man.

What a strange dream to have, my first one ever of him. I suppose it's only natural as he's the only baby I've ever had. To associate him with birth seems to make sense, but it's also one of my fears that I'm expecting her to be just like him. In all likely hood she'll be similar-looking but not the same. I don't want any part of her arrival to be disappointing and part of that is setting myself up with realistic expectations. It won't be him, he isn't coming back. But a sweet little glimpse of him, even in my dreams? I'll take it. I have a life time (please?) to spend cherishing her.

27w2 down, 11w2 to go.



14 comments:

Brooke said...

I deliberately say "he" when I talk about the Deuce, even though we don't know. I like when David says, "Or she..." but I think it's my way of trying to differentiate. And I feel kind of weird saying "it." Mostly I try to avoid pronouns all together, but then I just keep repeating "The Deuce."

Last night I had a dream that I had three little girls--Eliza, and then twin girls who were born too early and they were all in a NICU (including Eliza), except I couldn't find the NICU and no one could tell me where they were because I hadn't named the twins yet because we couldn't decide on names. It was very stressful, and I couldn't choose which names went best with Eliza. I have never really dreamed of Eliza, either, but in this dream I knew she had fine, dark blond hair and would be wearing a pink dress.

Scott's interest in feeling the baby made me smile, because David is also much more interested in the Deuce's movements than he was in Eliza's. He wants to put his hands on my belly to feel flutter kicks every night when I get in bed, and he's much more touchy with the belly in general. (Maybe because last time he was so excited about the boob size that he couldn't get past them to think about the belly? Haha).

Darcey said...

How wonderful you dreamed about Jack...I have yet to have one of Logan and I impatiently wait for that to happen.

It has been very hard sometimes(before he got sick) having another boy. I wonder why this boy and not Logan. I found myself imagining what it would be like to experience theses first few weeks and all that I missed out on. I also was leaning towards the opposite sex because I wanted to keep them separate and I sometimes feel that Logan gets lost in Layton in everyone else's eyes. My husband keeps telling me that Layton is Logan's gift to us and it makes me feel a llittle betterNow things are different and I am thankful

Nicole said...

I know that with Addalee, I have called her by her angel big sister's name several (hundred) times. Many people in our family do too. The first time I did it was when I was pregnant, and it kind of freaked me out a little. I remember feeling really sad about it. Then, I realized that it's kind of sweet...it means that Caroline is still very much on our minds.

I think it's a connection to the babies we didn't get to keep. And I think it's sweet!

I'm glad you got to have a dream about your little man. I'd love to have one of Caroline, still never have!

My New Normal said...

The whole beginning of my pregnancy we referred to the baby as he. I think it's because last time I was pregnant, it was with my son. Even now that I know, I accidentally call her "he" all the time. It's just an adjustment I have to make I guess.

Melissa said...

To answer your question - all the time. It's natural for all parents, even those that haven't lost a child. I still throw in the cat's name because she's a girl too, before I get to Alexa. Poor Alexa! haha I usually goes, "Lorelei, Isabel, Charlotte - oops, Alexa!" (And yes, the cat comes before Charlotte because the cat has been around a long time.) Try not to feel badly about it, it happens to everyone.

I think we'll always have those somber parts of happy moments but I don't think that little girl's birth will be disappointing at all. You'll probably have a range of emotions all at once, but at least for me, none of it included disappointment.

I'm glad you dreamed of him. I wish I could. Hugs as always.

Tiffany said...

after our girl was born, i was talking to her, and i said "little boy". i was talking directly to her. i caught myself, and D and i both stared at each other like "yep, you said that". and after the shock wore off, i had a bit of a breakdown. but after processing it, i think i'm ok with it. i mean they are such a huge part of us, and it's like our hearts are remembering and acknowledging. i mean sometimes i accidentally call D Julius or vice versa. so i had to get myself to stop reading too much into it. we miss them. period. but we love our girls as well. so it's definitely not like we are trying to pretend they don't exist or anything. life after loss is just so hard sometimes.

Molly said...

I have done it a couple of times... Makes me sad bc I don't want to view this baby as a replacement, and of course, I don't, but since it's just comparing pregnancy to pregnancy, it's hard sometimes

SG said...

You're so far along! - at least from my 20w6d pov... I'm glad you dreamed of Jack - I've been waiting (patiently?) for another Elizabeth dream to come my way. I wouldn't worry about saying "he" at all. Women in my family are famous for getting names and pronouns wrong with living children, so I think it's just a natural mistake to make.

Caroline said...

There were times that I would refer to unborn Finn as Cale. Sometimes it made me really sad, especially the first time it happened, but then I felt some comfort knowing I was mixing up my boys - just like what happens with living siblings. But yes, it certainly happened. I would say "Oh Cale, please kick momma" or something like that - but I meant to say Finn. Just a tough situation and I think I would have said "he" had we had a girl so totally understand that you would.

Kelly said...

I don't think I've ever called her a he. The fact that I've been pregnant before with a girl is probably why. It doesn't feel strange to be growing another girl cuz I have Natalie already. I have called her Adam though. In fact, I still have a hard time calling her by name. I can to Natalie and to Jim, but when I'm speaking with others and they say her name or I do, it's weird to me. I don't know what that's about. This whole pregnancy after loss business is strange.

Addi's mom said...

We have been calling this baby a "he" from the start so it's pretty well fused into my brain at this point. No slip ups as of yet. I do catch myself going to the pink side of the aisle and not the blue...it's a hard change for me to make.

I have only dreamt of Addison twice and both dreams she wasn't alive in. I am patiently...okay not so patiently waiting so have one where she is alive. Makes me crazy that family members have had them and yet I haven't. I think your dream is nice and I don't see it as you replacing anyone. I hope we get to see even just the smallest bit of Addi in Mason and I hope you see some of Jack in your little girl. Afterall they will be their only siblings (for now)...hopefully!

Dana said...

I haven't known the sex of any of the babies I have carried after Jacob until I miscarried them (and I don't know if the baby I'm carrying now is a boy or girl yet), but I did/do tend to call them "he" more than "she" because that's what I'm used too. When I was pregnant the 3rd time, 4 months after Jacob was born, I called that baby Jacob a lot instead of Cub, the baby's nickname. I would catch myself most times, but not always.

Becky said...

As far as I know I have never called this baby a he, but maybe no one has ever called me out on it. For a long time though I couldn't handle anything girl related, my mind was just set on, what would my boy like?

I haven't dreamed of Liam in a long time, although my were always scary when I did have them because they would revolve around me losing my baby all over again in someway or another. Your dream sound sweet since you got to see his sweet face.

Darcey said...

Laura Jane...if was wondering if you would be willing to email me. I have some very specific questions to ask you about Jack and his Meningitis and Sepsis if you are comfortable talking about it. I have been reading many of your posts because Layton had so many similar symptoms and my infectious disease doctor is skeptical about the same thing. My email address is drasch10@yahoo.com...just want you to know that through all of this hospital mess with Layton I have thought about you, your hubby and your sweet boy. It is different than losing one in utero and now that I have almost experienced both I have new found respect for your stregnth after what you and your husband went through.

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