We're back from Whistler after a one night stay in Vancouver. It was fabulous and I'm a little sad it's over. It totally did what I wanted though, helped the time pass quickly after the days had begun to drone on a little up until we left for the trip. I'm back to work tomorrow (today was Family Day here in Ontario so we had the day off together), and I'm not looking forward to clearing voicemails and returning calls. Boo. Oh well, another couple of months and I'm done for a year (... goes without saying I'm hoping it works out that way this time...).
Yesterday, I was describing to Scott the switch from random kicks and jabs to the rolling sensations I've begun to feel over the past few days. He's a lot more invested in feeling her movements than he ever was with Jack... I think he was freaked out by the whole pregnancy/alien-esque movements the first time and hadn't really known what to expect. This time around? This time around he's surprised me by sticking his hand randomly on my belly and giving it a soft little rub or pat. He's attempting to interact with her through pokes back after a kick, or "tickles" after she shuffles her booty from one side of my abdomen to the other (can it still be called that if I have no muscles left in there? ;)). It's very sweet.
And I got off topic. Anyway, I was laughing after a particularly rambunctious set of rolls from my left to my right side which Scott had missed by mere seconds... I was attempting to describe the odd sensation when he interrupted me.
"You said he", he announced.
I did. I totally did. I catch myself sometimes, describing how/what/when "he" is doing something. I'm used to it at this point, I think it's so fluid in my pregnancy language that it's hard to remember that it's not in fact a he, but a little she in there this time. It seems much more natural to talk about a "him" than a "her", even though I've known her nearly as long as I've known him. I suppose when you think about it, I've known about "him" for nearly two years, and about her for only 2 months or so... It's strange, I don't necessarily feel badly about it, but I do feel a little odd that I continue to have these subconscious slip-ups.
For those pregnant after a loss with a baby of a different gender, do you catch yourself doing this? Or for those pregnant/ holding their subsequent same-gendered baby, do you refer to them by the name of their older brother/sister?
I had a dream about Jack for the first time the other night. I've waited a year for one. It was only sort of like him, and the circumstances are a little foggy. I know I was going in to deliver her, and when they handed her to me, I immediately recognized that this was Jack, and not our little girl. I was confused, but didn't want to say anything as I felt like my time with him was fleeting... I was so happy to have him once again. I remember looking him over and he was definitely a boy, and definitely my sweet little man.
What a strange dream to have, my first one ever of him. I suppose it's only natural as he's the only baby I've ever had. To associate him with birth seems to make sense, but it's also one of my fears that I'm expecting her to be just like him. In all likely hood she'll be similar-looking but not the same. I don't want any part of her arrival to be disappointing and part of that is setting myself up with realistic expectations. It won't be him, he isn't coming back. But a sweet little glimpse of him, even in my dreams? I'll take it. I have a life time (please?) to spend cherishing her.
27w2 down, 11w2 to go.
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