Sunday, March 25, 2012

Gigantic, Enormous, Terrifying Leaps of Faith...

Remember this post? I wrote it weeks before we knew Grace was on her way, it was in fact about a week later we conceived her.

I wrote about a dream house, of our fears to sell our Toronto home and trading it all in for country roads and fields, and a rural address. When I wrote the post I explored my greatest fear: we would buy the house of our dreams and be unable to fill the house with babies- the very reason we wanted the house in the first place.

Once we found out we were pregnant again, we made an offer on that very home pictured in the post. Our offer was countered with a sum which made us laugh out loud. We resigned ourselves to the fact we had tried, and now felt comfortable walking away- we would keep looking. We both remained scared of making a change before Grace arrived- because while we were pregnant, we no longer felt confident that pregnancy results in living, keeping forever babies. I'm still not convinced, but I am hopeful.

We've looked pretty consistently for the past 8 months and while a few houses peaked our interest, no further offers have been made. We would both look up the original house listing from time-to-time and ogle over it until the house went off the market just after Christmas. We assumed it had sold.

It wasn't until we returned from Whistler a month or so ago, we asked our realtor to reach out to the seller's agent who confirmed the house was in fact not sold, but rather just removed from market until the spring when it would be re-listed. We discussed our options with our realtor- the fact is no other houses had come to market for a price we were wiling to pay, and no house had captured our hearts quite as much as the house we had previously offered on. We decided to tour the house one last time (which we did last Sunday) and finally upped our original offer which was accepted on Tuesday.

We have a new house- our dream house, or at least it will be in July, when we are planning to be moving with a two month old daughter. An enormous leap of faith towards the future we have always planned, even though it means a variation of the life we had hoped for since it can never include the little boy we have longed to buy horsies, doggies or tractors for. It still hurts, that he can never be an active participant in our daily lives- that he never had the opportunity to enjoy the life we had always dreamed to share with him. But the reality is that whether or not we move, we can't have him back. We're not leaving him behind, but bringing his memory with us- to the home which should have been his.

This weekend has been filled with doing things around our own house to prepare it for sale. This meant I finally needed to address the nursery head-on. It's quite literally acted as a dumping ground for all things baby- cards of congratulations upon Jack's arrival, condolence cards and memorial contribution cards, and his cremation paperwork. It's all in there. It's also been home to purchases for Grace, cards we have received in recognition of the little lady growing within me. Gifts we've received from friends. There's a stroller and bassinet jammed in there with the car seat I carried empty into the house one cold day in January, 2011. Needless to say it was both a physical and emotional hurdle I needed to overcome before we could show it to a realtor and prepare our home for sale.

It meant I spent two hours yesterday sitting on the blue and white striped rug I had hoped he would learn to crawl on, sorting through the papers and clothing and gifts. I sorted into distinct piles: things which would only ever be Jack's- clothing he had worn and hadn't been washed before he passed away, and his paperwork (including his hospital health care he received upon birth which states "baby boy W..." My maiden name... knife to my heart), his social security card, and his birth and death certificates. A stack was made for baby boy clothes I hope will be worn by future sons, a pile for Grace's newborn- 3 month clothing, and finally a collection for clothes she wouldn't need until after we moved.  It's hard, segmenting all of the hopes and dreams we have for her from those we hold for her (hopefully) future brothers, and also the brother she'll never get to meet here on Earth.

The process was an emotional one, I cried a bunch as I packed up Jack's things, and touched his foot and hand moulds, touched the snippet of downy soft hair blond hair concealed within a tiny little envelope. Looking at the size one diapers which he wore in the NICU, even though they were entirely too big... Blankets he had touched while at the hospital- all these material things which prove he was real- they prove he was here. I cried for all the sweet things he never got the opportunity to wear- all the clothes hanging for him in his closet... I haven't even unpacked his clothing drawers yet- I ran out of time... But it's coming, in the next couple of weeks I need to do that too.

In an effort to consolidate things, I opened the wipes container which had been on his dresser. It's been more than a year since I've opened the container for the purpose of wiping his cute little butt clean, and yet the fact they were dried out was startling to me somehow. Logically it makes sense, but it's yet another example of something I never anticipated- that when I refilled that container, I would be doing it for the last time he was alive. That the contents of the container would be thrown a way as they had dried out.

Today I am washing sweet baby clothing. I had initially planned to wait another couple of weeks to begin this process, but decided as I was packing up boxes, I might as well get started. I have three loads of newborn and 0-3 clothes in various stages of clean- I've folded one load of baby sheets and swaddle blankets, burp clothes, and paired up baby socks. Even as I wash things I worry I'm tempting fate by starting 6+ weeks out from her arrival.  I try to push the thoughts out of the forefront of my mind and focus on the squirming being within me, who I hope will outgrow this clothing before wearing even half of it.

I also can't push away the thought my OBGYN might move up my delivery date (I am not-so-secretly hoping she does), and since I can't do many of the things we are required to do before listing (painting and exterior window cleaning) our house next week, this helps me to feel like I'm contributing in some way. I am preparing for her, just as I did her brother, with all the hope and optimism I can muster. I have to say, the sweet smell of baby laundry makes me smile. I never realized just how much I could miss something as mundane as laundry... But I have, and it's extremely bitter-sweet preparing for a baby I can only hope is going to be coming for keeps in just a few weeks.

I'm thankful for the distractions which come with a new home and all the "to do" lists which need to be completed before we can make our dream home really ours. The past week has flown by as we prepare for the big changes which are coming, and with a bunch of doctor's appointments this week and my time at work wrapping up just after Easter, I can't help like feel like we're edging ever so quickly towards Gracie's arrival. I'm so thankful to be at this point, which I always felt was out of reach, mere weeks from when she is to arrive. I have all my eggs in one uterus-shaped basket, and I just need this baby to make it. I need her here, to help heal our broken hearts and restore some of the innocence we lost when we lost him.

Please baby girl, just get here safely.

19 comments:

My New Normal said...

How amazing that you're getting the house you've wanted for a while. I suppose in a way this move will be a nice distraction as well. I can't wait until you get to bring your new baby girl to her new house!

Molly said...

Geez... Amen to that. Just get here safely. And hurry already! I have kept things pretty organized in the nursery, as far as cards, etc. for Hayes goes, and it's a good thing since I can't really dig in and organize and clean until after K is here. But the whole nursery deal is sooooo emotional, so I get it. Bah.

Becky said...

I love the house and so happy you guys were able to get it. I bet going through the nursery was quite emotional but at the same time the distractions for the move must be nice to have til Gracie arrives.

Tiffany said...

congrats on the house. i just know you guys will fill it with amazing little brothers and sisters for Jack.

i understand how you were feeling washing those clothes and going through his things. ((hugs)) i'm so so sorry it has to be this way.

wow you are so close. can't wait to see pics of that beautiful baby girl. sending you lots of love...

Amy L. said...

Bless you, Laura Jane. What a huge thing. I can totally relate to the worry that the big dream home won't be filled with the dream kids. We moved from the city to a small farm nearly 4 years ago, and have yet to fill the empty bedrooms. It's been 4.5 years since we started trying and nearly 8 months since we lost our twins, and I'm working on thinking positively that we *will* be pregnant again soon with a take-as baby (or babies).

Melissa said...

Congratulations on your new home!

Packing up Charlotte's stuff just never happened for me. And it was Lorelei's to begin with. I suppose I should consider myself lucky that they're all girls and never needed anything new? I don't know. Hugs to you friend.

Prayers that Gracie gets here safely. xoxo

Caroline said...

Congrats on the dream home! May all your dreams come true there.

You're getting there momma - one day and one step at a time.

Renel said...

WOW WOW WOW! First of all...so exciting you got your DREAM home! I do remember that post and I am thrilled you got it. You actually give me so much hope, just reading about your hope, your preperations, your looking forward to your darling little girl. The only thing stronger than fear is hope. Keep going, take a big whiff of baby laundry and hope. I am here hoping with you.

Brooke said...

This post fills me with hope for you. I'm glad that you were able to do what needs to be done. I can't wait until the day your dream house is filled with McBabes.

Kelly said...

So many hugs. This is a beautiful post, and all I can say is (((hugs))). Congrats on your dream home!

Emily said...

Where's your new house? Brian and I haven't thought about moving out of the city...but it sure sounds nice. Hope you got a good price!

Tiffany said...

Congrats on your new house! I hope the move is something that is really good and healing for you guys, as it was for us. I totally understand your hesitancy to get too excited about anything though. I think packing up Ellie's nursery was the one of the hardest things I've ever done but before I started the process, I decided that all of the important things would have an important place of honor at our new house and that helped me feel so much better. Hopefully you will have a special space for Jack's things.
Hope things go smoothly the last few weeks of your pregnancy- can't wait to see her pictures! I think our babies will have very close birthdays!

B. Wilson said...

Jack will always be present in your home. You are most definitely not moving away from him, as this was your dream for him all along. It's actually more like fulfilling the dreams you had planned and laid out for him, even before he was born.

TanaLee Davis said...

I feel this post like I wrote it myself. I remember having to pack up things for TanaLee and it broke me to pieces to see what she had but never used. You seem to be holding on well and your journey is only blossoming. In a short few weeks grace will be in your arms and wrapping you up with the warmth of happiness. Tears there will be but they will be for good...the kind were you skip around again. Hugs-
Felicia

LookItsJessica said...

I had always thought that Liam got the "Baby Boy ...Maiden name" name tag because he was so early and I hadn't legally changed my name yet. I guess they do that for most babies?

I can't imagine how tough it was to go through the nursery and unpack Jack's clothing. You're definitely bring his precious memory to your new home (which is stunningly lovely by the way!)

Natasha said...

Congratulations on the house! Beautiful! It sounds like it will be a great home for your family. I know that Jack will be in the new home with you as well<3

I know it was difficult going through the nursery- I'm so sorry that it's even this way. It just plain sucks.

I hope that the time fly by for you. You are so close! Can't wait to see baby girl!

SG said...

Congratulations! What an amazing thing to get the very house you wanted for so long. Yay! :)

Packing up Jack and Grace's things sounds really hard, though.

Rhiannon said...

Congratulations on the dream house! What an exciting step! We did the same sort of thing; moved into a new home when Norah was 6 weeks old. A crazy, hectic thing! It was incredibly hard for me, though. Packing up Harper's nursery and just feeling like I was leaving so many memories behind was almost suffocating. But as we have been in this new house for almost 6 months now, I feel her here, too. I know that moving away from that house wasn't leaving her behind although I felt like that at the time. You will feel Jack wherever you are as he is always with you.
And I agree, with the end of your post...hurry up, Miss Grace!!!

Shell said...

Thinking of you in coming weeks and hoping all continues to go well and that you bring home baby Grace. Congrats on your new home, it looks lovely. I have been putting off going through my Leia's nursery but deep down I know I have to do it. We've decided to switch Leia's room and use another room for LO on the way. I just feel it will be much better for my psyche and while Leia's room will always be called that, I just dread going through all her stuff...we never used. Reading your post gave me a clear picture of what is ahead and for that I thank you.

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