Sunday, March 11, 2012

Hook, Line, and Sinker


As I sit here, worry coursing through my veins, I am humbled by the very activity taking place within my body. She's growing, she learning, she's shuffling.  When I don’t feel her moving, I am overcome with anxiety and slight panic that maybe she’s gone... 
"What if she’s gone"? It’s not unusual for this question to play on repeat in my head, seconds before I feel a nudge or a kick from her. It's as though she's trying to say, “chill out mom, I’m fine”.
When I wake at night I pause before flipping sides or getting out of bed to see if I can feel her. She gives me a few pokes in acknowledgement to waking me up, and I’m good to resume my sleep again. It’s as if she knows exactly what I need, and when. She's such a good little girl already. :)
My New Normal wrote a beautiful post a couple weeks ago which had me in tears. She wrote about hope sneaking in and taking over when she least expects it, and the vulnerability that comes with that. It’s true, there’s so much on the line, so much to fear. What if it doesn’t work out this time, either?
But oh if it does... 
It’s too late for me. I am already hook-line-and-sinker for this little stinker. My heart is hers already. Despite my attempts to keep my expectations at a reasonable level, and although I want to approach her life and my love for her slowly, cautiously, and realistically, it’s really been over before it even begun. 
I feel unabashed pride and excitement at the mere thought of holding her for the first time, hearing her sweet cries and (please?) bringing her home for keeps.  My heart swells at the very thought of it... Of having someone to physically hold in my arms after months and months of emptiness. Of someone to keep me up at night begging for sleep, because I’ve slept all too well without the obligation for the past year. It's difficult, because I possess equal parts optimism and downright terror. For the most part though, I choose to let the happy take over and consume me.
Just like her big brother, Gracie has a personality all her own which I have come to know through her movements and responses to stimuli. For example, she’s already a daddy’s girl.  Last Sunday I awoke before Scott and moved myself (with great effort and a lot of noise from my creaking hips, I hasten to add) to the couch to watch television while Scott slept.  As I did so, I felt a few movements from her- enough to know she was okay, and then didn’t feel much of anything.  I assumed she went back to bed, which is more than okay with me. Not thirty minutes later, Scott awoke and came to check on me. He asked if everything was okay and before I could even answer, Gracie started rapidly moving around in my belly, as though to scream “hey dad! I’m awake. Look at me”! Not even seconds before she was sleeping but in hearing her daddy’s voice, she was awake.
So cute.  I’m in so much trouble. These two are going to be inseparable, and really? I can't wait!

16 comments:

Molly said...

Both you and My New Normal posted about worry today... Funny bc at every bathroom break last nite, I was filled with worry that he was gone or that I was going to start bleeding. Every time I have a moment, I try to tell myself that worrying isn't helping me, nor is it helping him. I need to wait until there is something to worry about. Then I remember what a whole lot of good that does bc it would be too late. Bah!

Caroline said...

I can't wait for you either. Glad you are enjoying these special moments. (as much as you can)

Brooke said...

Love the idea of Grace wiggling when her daddy talks. I swear that the Deuce knows the moment David touches my belly--he always gets a poke or a kick right under his hand. It's the best feeling.

LookItsJessica said...

That TV story is TOO SWEET! I love that she already knows her daddy and is so excited when she hears his voice. Adorbs!

Also about worry-- you're so not alone. I freak myself out over any period of time that I don't feel a squirm. Two nights ago I woke up flipping out because she wasn't moving and I got the doppler out in the middle of the night, just laid on the nursery floor and listened to hear HB for a little bit. Best sound ever.

Kelly said...

I feel a lot of this, too. This morning I woke up and Natalie was kissing my belly. I said, she's very quiet right now. I looked at Jim and said, I hope she's alive. I hate that is what I think about. I also have to wait to feel her before I fall asleep when I wake up in the middle of the night. There is so much worry and so much excitement all rolled up in one. I haven't gotten to the point where I let the excitement take over, but it's definitely there.

My New Normal said...

I think we should both remind ourselves just how much we yearned for those sleepless nights once they actually happen.

I love that she's responding to her Daddy's voice already. I think my little one is starting to do that too. He was out of town all last week and though she was active, she didn't kick nearly as hard or for nearly as long. The minute he got back home the kicking marathons are back. It's as if somehow she already knows when he's around. It's super cute.

Melissa said...

Aww, a daddy's girl! It's going to be wonderful <3

Renel said...

Arg! So much worry.. But rightfully so. I am so glad you are so in live with Grace, she deserves it all. I love that they know the people in their lives even through the belly and fluid! So amazing!

Natasha said...

I love that Grace moves for her daddy! It's so amazing personalities they develop in there. And I think there is really something special about dad's voice :)

Can't wait for you!!! You're getting close lady!

Natasha said...

"the" personalities they develop- whoops!

Tiffany said...

i understand completely. i couldn't wait until i met our girl. i replayed it over and over in my head. begging the universe to please let me have a happiness ending (or beginning, i guess). and when that moment came, it was so much better than i ever envisioned. and i know it will be for you too. i just can't wait until you bring Gracie home, and i can't wait for her to keep you up throughout the night. ((hugs))

ps - it sounds like Jack knew what he was doing when he sent you Gracie. i think he gave her the perfect personality type.

B. Wilson said...

I feel like Jack made you that way-- made you fall in love with Gracie. He taught you how to love so wholly and that's such a gift. :)

We slept far too well this past year and it was complete and utter BS. I resented waking up and feeling rested for so long after Andrew died. I cursed bedtime and knowing I'd sleep soundly.

I can't wait, either. I seriously can't.

Hope's Mama said...

She is already one loved little girl. We can't wait to *meet* her.
xo

Addi's mom said...

How cute is it that she is already so attached to her daddy?!? I too can't wait to be kept up from our crying babies and not our own cries!

Darcey said...

I am so glad your little girl is doing her part to remind you that everything will be okay...the hope they bring to our lives is immeasurable!!!

Becky said...

I love that she can already recognize her dads voice and gets all excited when she hears it!

I also have to tell you this, hope it doesn't seem creepy at all, but last week I had a dream and you and your baby girl were in it. You were at the hospital and I was visiting you and Gracie. I asked if I could get a look at her because she was swaddled up in your arms and when I looked at her face the face that I saw was of a picture you have a Jack all swaddled up. They looked identical. Then the dream was over or I woke up or something but thought I'd share that with you.

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