Tuesday, May 8, 2012

3 + 1

I've been holding out on you.  One week ago today, our family grew.

We are a family of 3+1, a summation which *should* equal four, and yet one of us is forever missing. My heart still breaks thinking I will never get the chance to have everyone here, all at once. Like it's just too much to ask.

This is the little sister, Grace Jack McCannell. Born at 9:11pm May 1st, 2012. 8lbs2oz, and 20.5 inches in length.


Sixteen months to the day her big brother made Scott and I parents, he gave us this gift- the chance to be parents to a screechy babe once again. She arrived a week or so ahead of her scheduled c-section, but that is a story for another day.

My thoughts are a little incoherent as I've been working on this post over the past few days... Nothing seems quite right, and I find myself coming back to make adjustments... I'm just going to hit publish because if I don't do it now, I don't know when I ever will.

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She looks so much like him, it takes my breath away at times. I see her daddy showering her with kiss after kiss and my heart swells for them, and yet breaks for all Jack is missing... All we were robbed of in losing him. I watch Scott smile when he looks over at us nursing in bed beside him, I witnessed him take her for walks in the middle of the night when she was restless at the hospital. He is every ounce the father I knew in my heart he would be.

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Having a little girl takes some getting used to. I love all the pink hues, but oh how I miss all my sweet baby blues. This daughter of mine wears many of the things I had purchased for him, and as I type this she naps beneath the soft baby blue blanket her Nana knit for her brother, but didn't quite finish before he was gone. I had to run an errand today and upon returning home, I loudly exclaimed, "we're home now little boy", only for the last syllable to catch in my throat. It still hurts, 16 months after his birth, and nearly 16 months after his death... I still long for him.

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She "talks" in her dreams, mumbling- making soft little coos- her little eyelids fluttering while she sleeps. I hope in those brief moments between dreams she can see him... I tell myself she is talking to him,  telling him all about the things we have done, all the kisses and snuggles she had during the day. I hope she tells him we still talk about him, that we still miss him every second of every day, and how much we wish we could have both of our beautiful babies in our arms.

Tomorrow is 8 days since her birth- the point at which in his short life he was declared so his organ donation process could begin. She will have been alive, officially, longer than he ever was. That hurts to think of. Of course I've always wanted her to outlive him, but it still stings to know that his time was so very fleeting. She is a very real example of all we are missing.

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Of course this time has been joyous, but I would be remiss not to mention how deeply my heart hurts for Becky, at the loss of her beautiful daughter... All this after losing her sweet Liam in January 2011. Since reading about Evelynn, I have been so very angry for her. At the root of it all, for this injustice to have happened twice, to a wonderful set of parents, is outrageous. I am furious at the world for taking such a beautiful little soul from her parents and I will never quite be able to wrap my head around any of this.

44 comments:

kidsakeeper said...

I have been anxiously waiting for an update.

Completely bittersweet. I am so happy for you both, and glad that Jack has sent you such a beautiful present.

Ida
xoxo

Becky said...

I am bawling my eyes out right now.
I am so happy for you Laura. She is beautiful, just like her big brother.

SJW said...

I have been reading your blog for a while and have been checking every day for an update. I love, love, love the middle name! Of course it is a very special name, but I think it's just a great name altogether. (My dad's name is Jack.) She is very precious and I am very happy for you. Congratulations!

Dana said...

She is beautiful. I'm so glad that she is here safely. I just wish that Jack was here too.

Emily said...

I'm so glad your Grace is here. She's a beautiful little girl.

Amy L. said...

Oh, Laura, your post took my breath away. She is beautiful, and just comparing this photo to the little one of Jack at the top of your sidebar, I can see the resemblance. Wow. Just, wow.

It is so wonderful to think of her talking to her brother. Beautiful.

Hugs...and congratulations, Mama...

Eclipsed said...

Congratulations on your sweet girl. I think everything you're feeling is completely normal and completely justified. I can't imagine the mix of feelings you have. Thinking of you and yours.

Caroline said...

So kind of you to mention Becky.

Gracie is so beautiful. It is so bittersweet it's hard to handle at times.

I've been thinking about you a lot as I know these next couple days will be tough.

Excited for little Grace. Always missing little Jack.

katie illingworth said...

So happy for you. Bittersweet, I know, but sweet still.

SG said...

Oh she is just precious. I'm really happy for you and so relieved that Gracie arrived safely. Thinking also of Jack and knowing how much you miss him when you hold his little sister <3

Renel said...

Oh just look at her. The living breathing baby sibling of jack. Why can't you have both? I'm so happy to hear of her safe arrival. So many rainbow babies have been born and it makes my heart swell with hope and joy. I can't wait to hear about your birth and grace's first week. I know you miss jack dearly. I'm so glad you now have Grace. Sending a giant hug to you and your wonderful family. Congratulations. I hope this next week in less Tumultuous as the last.

Angela said...

So glad your Grace is here safely. Thinking of Jack, I know how much the missing aches when a new soul enters the family.

Asiyah said...

I clicked through Becky's link and am heartbroken. I am so sorry for her.

But happy for you and blessings to you all.

little vitu's mom said...

Congratulations to you and your husband. She's beautiful.

My New Normal said...

Congrats!! So glad she's here and she's healthy.

LookItsJessica said...

Congratulations and yes, I can recognize Jack in her features. Especially around her eyes. I am thrilled for you Laura. You were one of the bloggers whose words got me through some dark days last year, and inspired me to be strong and keep on living in the face of grief. I have been hoping and praying for this outcome and I'm so happy beautiful Grace is here with you.

Mary said...

She's beautiful Laura, just beautiful. Congratulations!

As for Becky...I think all of us are at least a little pissed. She and Dereck are so deserving of happiness. It's just not fair.

Natasha said...

She's absolutely gorgeous girl! I can't tell you enough how overjoyed I am for you and your husband. I know Jack is talking to his baby sis on the regular. I think our babies are pretty amazing like that ♥

Continuing to pray for Becky and her family.....words can't even describe how unfair it is that they have lost both of their sweet babies.

Hope's Mama said...

Oh my, your babies are so alike. Congratulations, I've been wondering about you so much.
This post was just so lovely. I'm so happy for you, and still so sad your Jack is forever missing.
xo

Sherri said...

Huge hugs and congratulations! Your post is beautiful, as is your little girl!
I still think about Becky and her babies constantly!

cheri said...

So very happy for you! She is gorgeous, and I love her name.

Tiffany said...

omg, so so glad that Grace is here safe and sound. i have been thinking about you a lot. it IS so hard to parent again after losing our children. and i made that same mistake (calling our girl "little boy"). we were all robbed of the chance to parenting our boys. but i am so thankful to them for sending us our girls.

Melissa said...

Congratuations again <3 She does look so very much like Jack, I didn't notice until I was comparing the pictures on your blog.

I often catch Alexa making a face or a sound that I find unusual so I ask her if she sees Charlotte and if she talks with her. Of course she doesn't answer but it's somewhat comforting to think that she's hanging around.

Monique said...

Absolutely beautiful. Welcome little one. Remembering Jack.

Darcey said...

She is absolutely beautiful. I can only imagine what this first week has been like for you. So sad that your little man couldn't be here to meet his sister. Congrats!!!

Kelly said...

Been waiting for an update. :) So many congrats. I was thinking of you yesterday and this week, knowing what emotions you must feel at this stage of Grace's life. Hugs to you friend. Grace is beautiful.

Rose said...

Oh Laura Jane....congratulations!!! :o) She is a doll and so so precious. I can only imagine how bittersweet it is and all the conflicting emotions you must feel. I am praying hard for you and your sweet baby and hope you enjoy these precious days when she is so tiny and little. :o) Sending lots of love!!

--Rose

Jen said...

Beautiful and sweet and so, so deserved. Congratulations!

CaseyKuz said...

Welcome to the world Grace! Congrats, she is beautiful <3

Tiffany said...

She's perfect! Can't wait to see more pictures!
I think the title of your post and comment about how it doesn't quite equal four is right on. I've been thinking about that a lot too. I always wanted four kids- and pretty soon I'll have them- but not really. It's BLM math I guess... Thinking of you lots and hope that you are getting in lots of baby snuggles!

Brooke said...

This post captures all your happiness and heartache, and the way you have to figure out to live with both of those emotions all the time. Grace is so gorgeous; I just wish Jack were here, too.

B. Wilson said...

Jack would be so proud of his mama and such a proud big brother. Welcome, sweet Grace. May your life be long and your adventures great. You are loved. Every little inch of you is loved.

Rhiannon said...

Oh, she is just beautiful! Congratulations!! A little birdie friend told me that you had miss Grace so I have been anxious to hear how you all have been doing. I know that these next few days will be hard but please know you and your sweet Jack are in my heart. <3

Melissa @ A Dozen Years Later said...

Congratulations. Grace Jack is a beautiful baby. I started following you through Brandy's blog and I am so happy to hear you sweet girl has been born.

JoyAndSorrow said...

She is so beautiful. I relate so much to this post with having a daughter and missing my son and being heartbroken that I can't just have them BOTH here all at once. Brandy once pointed out to me that my situation was one that eventually loss parents of singleton children would come to understand, and I'm realizing more and more how right she was.
Hugs to you mama. It's joy and sorrow all at once. xoxox ~Lindsay

Dandelion Breeze said...

Wonderful news... congratulations :)) She's adorable and so precious... love to you both xoxo

Jenny Bagwill said...

Congratulations! She's beautiful.

Bree said...

What a beauty. Many warm congratulations to you.

Julie Shaw said...

I MOVED
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Melissa said...

So happy for you! She is beautiful

Tanya Wade said...

Laura...we don't know each other but we share such parallel stories it is almost scary. Like you my son Jaxson passed away last May at sick kids where he was for 2 months since his birth. We recently had our rainbow baby girl Penny Hope on April 30th. I have wanted to get in touch with you but did not know how. I am also part of the sick kids memorial site on Facebook and will be attending this year. I would love to chat if you are ever interested. Congrats on your beautiful baby girl. I know how hard it is when one piece of the puzzle is missing. Know that your Jack is an angel looking our for all of you.
Big hugs

LookItsJessica said...

Hey just wanted to reply to your comment re: the Moby. I had all but given up on it because I felt it was too complicated and I freaked out about her somehow falling out. But after I tried (and retried) several times on several different days I got the hang of it and LOVE IT (Avery is starting to like it too!). Definitely tie it higher and tighter than you think you need it (in my case it gives me a really bad muffin top...awesome!) I have a Bjorn also and I love the Moby for the newborn days, it feels more cuddly to me and she gets to be in the "froggy" hold which we love.

You'll have to let me know how the Ergo works out for you guys. I really want one but I can't justify having 3 carriers for one little girl right now.

Anyways-- sorry for the babywearing novel in your comments section. Take care!

Jen said...

I know, I know, I already commented, but I keep thinking about you and hoping you are enjoying this sweet time. Just wanted to send a cyber hug your way.

Andrea said...

I've been a neglectful blogger, but I'm so happy to read your post and see a photo of your sweet Grace. Congratulations! She is beautiful!

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