Tuesday, May 22, 2012

For a long time...

Postsecret.com, Mother's Day 2012.
For a long time I whole heartedly believed this.

In the aftermath of Jack's passing, I seriously wondered what I was going to do with my life. I had no sense of purpose- after all, I had planned out my life in segments- attend university, fall in love, get married, have babies, watch them grow... Live happily ever after.

Then the bottom fell out of my happily ever after and I was left to spiral out of control.

I remember, far too vividly, when I only left my bed to eat- not because of any desire to eat, but only to sustain my life... Or what was left of it.

I remember in the moments after finding out we would be losing Jack forever I announced I could not live without my baby- tears pouring from my eyes. And I meant it with every fibre of my being.

I had been anticipating his arrival since the second pink line appeared on the pregnancy test on May 5th, 2010. I had anticipated the life we would have together since long before Jack was even a twinkle in my eye, or those of my husband.

And all at once, it was gone and I had two choices:

I could live, forever being a little bit worse;

or, I could die.

I chose life. Death was never really an option for me- I needed to be there for my husband, for my friends, for my family. I needed to be here so Jack could be proud of me- to live on because he was unable to. To bring his siblings into the world and provide a life for them that I had wanted so desperately to give to him.

So we lived some semblance of a happy life for the past 16 months.

Luckily for me, I am married to an incredible husband and even more so, and incredible human being. Don't get me wrong- he drives me absolutely bonkers by leaving his dirty underwear in a pile on the floor on his side of the bed. He puts dirty dishes in the sink when he could just as easily have put them in the dishwasher (which drives me batty and is the source of most of our arguments). He looks to me to ask whether I've seen a particular item of clothing, because I can count on one hand the number of times he has ever used our laundry pair. But he's so much more than that. He makes sure I know that I am loved, and that I am appreciated (even when it doesn't feel like it), and he makes sure he has every confidence in my ability to parent Grace, along with Jack's memory. He is fiercely protective of this little family of his, and I am so thankful for that.

Snuggles with Dad 
Last night we lay in bed, Grace snoring (yes, she totally snores...) in the bassinet beside me, and my husband asked how I was feeling. I shrugged, telling him I felt good. I feel happy. And then tears rolled off my cheeks as I declared how much I still miss him. How grateful I am to be able to mother her but how much I desperately wish I could mother him, too. How sorry I am not only for ourselves to have lost him, but how much I regret that he didn't get to experience the life we had hoped he would- the one we still hope his sister will.
Pretty girl
I guess, in a long-winded way, all I'm trying to say is that we've come through the other side, bruised and battered but not beaten. I miss my son so very much, and the day-to-day monotonous stuff I get the pleasure of sharing with her is all the sweeter because I know how much I longed to do this last year, heck, how much I longed to do this a month ago.  I've found I have an uncanny level of patience, which I never had before. I mother her the best way I know how- because it's a privilege denied to me 17 months ago. I mother her the best way I know how because I want him to be proud of the momma he made simply by being.

Boy who stole my heart
The girl who helps heal it.

26 comments:

Laura Beck said...

I love this post.
I hope some day i am where you are at. Truly.
You are a wonderful mother to both of your beautiful children.
xoxo

Angela said...

Oh you made me cry. Gorgeous babies, lovely post.

TanaLee Davis said...

This is sooo sweet and sad all at the same time! I'm glad you get to mother a baby now and hope it only continues! Hugs-
Felicia

Molly said...

Beautiful pictures!

Becky said...

Beautiful post Laura

My New Normal said...

This is beautiful.

Caroline said...

you are one heck of a momma.

and make some damn good looking babies.

SG said...

This made me cry. Your babies are both so loved.

Tiffany said...

beautiful. and i understand exactly how you feel. i relish in every single moment. just this week our girl started holding her own bottle, and i was SO emotional all day. i never got to that point with Julius (heck, he wouldn't even take a bottle), so to see her develop in these ways brings me to tears. praying that our girls stick around forever to continue to heal our hearts.

Darcey said...

Beautiful children you have and they are so blessed to have such a wonderful momma!!

BTW-Our husband's both suffer from the same domestic issues...makes me crazy!!!

Melissa said...

<3

Amy L. said...

Beautifully written, Laura Jane. xoxo

LookItsJessica said...

Both of your kiddos are so adorable. I love the new pics of Grace but I also love seeing Jack in these posts. He is so loved. Needless to say, I'm very happy your heart is being healed by that sweet girl.

Mary said...

Beautiful post...I feel like I wrote it. I, too knew death was never an option for me after Addie died. Grace is gorgeous and both she and Jack are lucky to have you as their momma. Though your heart will never be the same, Grace will continue to help it heal.

Brooke said...

Big tears (and I'm at work!). Beautiful tribute to your beautiful family. Love you guys.

Samantha K said...

I love this post and also hope to someday be where you are. You are a wonderful mom.

B. Wilson said...

Your family is lovely, my friend. Jack, Gracie, You & Scott.

I remember those days of eating to sustain life. I'm thankful they're gone. The grief will never leave, but each moment with our live children softens the blow a bit.

Sherri said...

Love this too!!!!! So beautifully put.

Renel said...

Laura Jane~ Grace and Jack are such a miracles. I know we choose life, we choose a path of challenge to continue, to try and grow our families, our hearts, our love. I am so glad you had Jack and you have Grace. I wish they were both here for you to hug and kiss. She is so precious and I love the imperfection of and your husbands relationship because isn't that all of us, struggling together through the thick of it and grasping onto the light.

Hope's Mama said...

Those last two photos. Wow. Just oozing with love. You make exquisitely beautiful children.
xo

Merry said...

This is beautiful, just wonderful. Thank you so much for joining in "And then came the rainbows".

It is great to have found your blog :)

Jeanette said...

What a beautiful post, and yes you do make beautiful babies. x

Dandelion Breeze said...

Such an amazingly beautiful post... your love for both your children is so precious and your are a wonderful mother to them both xoxo

kidsakeeper said...

I am hoping to be here soon...in the land of "rainbows" having come out the other side as well.

I just feel like it is so far in the distance, and I am running towards it and yet never quite getting there.

Your post have given me hope...so thank you :)

Jenny Bagwill said...

I didn't know we shared the 1st pregnancy test result date. I still remember it vividly, as it was quickly followed up by tragic news. I debated whether to share the exciting news of our pregnancy with my husband in light of the other events. And each year I'm reminded again.

There are times that I think that bittersweet day that I should have enjoyed to it's fullest but was cut short was a premonition of our journey to come. I don't know what it's like to lose a child as you have, and my heart goes out to you. But I do know what it's like to fight with all that you have in you, think that maybe things will be ok, and then have the rug pulled out from under you. We are still living the roller coaster but in a different way.

I think of you often, and wonder how your doing. So glad you give an update as time allows.

Sara said...

This post said everything that I've been feeling since losing Alexander and expecting Zoe. I'm in tears because it's so wonderful to read someone else's words and feel like there is at least one person out there who understands how I feel.

Post a Comment

 
Design bySmall Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved