|Postsecret.com, Mother's Day 2012.|
In the aftermath of Jack's passing, I seriously wondered what I was going to do with my life. I had no sense of purpose- after all, I had planned out my life in segments- attend university, fall in love, get married, have babies, watch them grow... Live happily ever after.
Then the bottom fell out of my happily ever after and I was left to spiral out of control.
I remember, far too vividly, when I only left my bed to eat- not because of any desire to eat, but only to sustain my life... Or what was left of it.
I remember in the moments after finding out we would be losing Jack forever I announced I could not live without my baby- tears pouring from my eyes. And I meant it with every fibre of my being.
I had been anticipating his arrival since the second pink line appeared on the pregnancy test on May 5th, 2010. I had anticipated the life we would have together since long before Jack was even a twinkle in my eye, or those of my husband.
And all at once, it was gone and I had two choices:
I could live, forever being a little bit worse;
or, I could die.
I chose life. Death was never really an option for me- I needed to be there for my husband, for my friends, for my family. I needed to be here so Jack could be proud of me- to live on because he was unable to. To bring his siblings into the world and provide a life for them that I had wanted so desperately to give to him.
So we lived some semblance of a happy life for the past 16 months.
Luckily for me, I am married to an incredible husband and even more so, and incredible human being. Don't get me wrong- he drives me absolutely bonkers by leaving his dirty underwear in a pile on the floor on his side of the bed. He puts dirty dishes in the sink when he could just as easily have put them in the dishwasher (which drives me batty and is the source of most of our arguments). He looks to me to ask whether I've seen a particular item of clothing, because I can count on one hand the number of times he has ever used our laundry pair. But he's so much more than that. He makes sure I know that I am loved, and that I am appreciated (even when it doesn't feel like it), and he makes sure he has every confidence in my ability to parent Grace, along with Jack's memory. He is fiercely protective of this little family of his, and I am so thankful for that.
|Snuggles with Dad|
|Boy who stole my heart|
|The girl who helps heal it.|