Sunday, June 17, 2012

Worst Blogger Ever


I wish I had a really good excuse as to why I haven't posted in nearly three weeks. Yikes! While taking care of Grace keeps me busy, it hasn't kept me that busy.

I have tried to write a "where I am right now, 18 month out" post. I've tried a dozen times, at least, to write it, but nothing seems quite right. I can't find the words. I've read almost all of the posts you have all written, and yet have barely commented on them. I read them, saved them as unread so I can think about them and to come back to later. This morning I accidentally hit "marking all as read" on my reader. In reality, some of these posts are three weeks old and I haven't made it back to comment, so I'm just going to leave it. I'm an asshole. I'm sorry.
As for where we are, it's not as though I miss him any less after this time has passed. And while his sister has certainly helped to fill the void left in terms of a physical baby in my arms, she isn't her brother and it still hurts so very much he isn't here, too.

I feel like this is all I can say these days- I miss him. I love him. I wish he were here. It's incredibly painful to know he can never be here again. 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


Most days, I know I am incredibly lucky to ever have just been blessed to have him. I still don't know how we got through it, because I just can't imagine what I would do if something were to happen to Grace. It's not necessarily that it's harder to fathom because I've seen her smiles and felt her wet kisses and her incessant nursing... But in some ways her arrival has made Jack seem almost imaginary. Like how is it possible we birthed a baby, brought him home, and then he got sick and died, all within days? How does this even happen?  Imaginary, that's not the word-  I know this because it hurts to even type that.

Those days of losing him in the hospital have blurred around the edges, and if I hadn't lived through those painful days, I don't know that I could believe just how awful and excruciatingly painful it is. How we ever left the hospital without him is beyond my comprehension... How any of us have survived this is still so surreal... I try to avoid thinking about the process of signing the papers at the funeral home, or ordering the urn... It hurts too much to go there in my mind. So these days, I've given myself permission dismiss these thoughts as soon as they enter my mind. 

I still can't believe I had a son and he is gone. How is this possible?

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I want more babies, and although Grace is still in her infancy, I'm already beginning to miss the little things she's outgrown all the while being so excited for the here and now and the "what's to be".  I definitely continue to have baby fever despite the baby in my arms who is not yet 7 weeks old. I think about how I will forever be playing "catch-up" in terms of the number of babies I should have. I've heard that when you're done with more babies, you just "know" your family is complete. See, I have trouble with this thought- because how is it possible when my first baby is missing?

Then there's the other part of me which just thinks, "cut your losses and run", or "be grateful for what you do have"... I'm so lucky to have have what I have, so very lucky. I know this. I just want more. I want what I should have had, and I can't.

20 comments:

Kelly said...

I completely feel you on the babies feeling imaginary since our rainbows are here. I have felt that way, too. It feels like Adam was never here, like it was a dream, and this is a nightmare. It's strange and surreal, and I don't like this new feeling.

So happy to see you post again! :)

Mama Bear said...

Oh how I want them both too! With Puma still in my belly, it already feels surreal everything that has happened in the almost two years since Bear was first occupying this little space.
Read blogs or don't, comment when you are so moved. Nothing is expected. :)
I love Grace's pictures! Adorable, just like her brother!

Rose said...

I know, exactly, how you feel. You are doing so well. There are days when I wonder how I got through everything and was it really real? Did it really happen? Like I am going to wake up from this nightmare any minute. Life is crazy.

I love seeing pictures of your sweet little girl!!! :o) :o)

Molly said...

Ive tried to write my where I am post too, but just can't find the words either just yet. Our past situations do seem completely unimaginable.

B. Wilson said...

To think Jack was imaginary and you have photos. Andrew feels even more distant the more time that goes by. :/

We're just so lucky to have these brothers and sisters of theirs, but my life has definitely been flipped upside down and my heart changed forever.

I wonder somehow that if I am SO thankful or repeat how lucky I feel we are that we'll be spared again? I sure wish that was how it all worked.

Hope's Mama said...

Sending you love, that's all.
xo

Darcey said...

Agree 100% about family never being complete...this is what I am currently dealing with and it is agonizing.

She is beautiful and I am glad she is keeping you busy.

LookItsJessica said...

I feel similar on the "imaginary" front. Those feelings are difficult. We had such a short time with Liam that sometimes the sadness seems like it was from another life, especially compared with the absolutely "normal" life we lead now. No apologies for not blogging, we're all totally THRILLED that you have sweet Grace at home to fill your days. Babies > blogging for sure! :)

TanaLee Davis said...

I can only imagine how you feel but i'm happy to see that grace is filling your arms and showing you happy moments with her. hugs mama-
Felicia

Rhiannon said...

I know what you mean about playing catch up--feeling our families will never be complete because, well, they won't. Norah is almost 10 months old and I still have a hard time with the what should have beens; I don't think they ever go away.
You are not a bad blogger, you are a busy mommy and sweet little Grace is a beautiful blessing. I am glad that you are soaking up every moment.

Angela said...

Oh, she is sweet. Much love, the first weeks with a rainbow are emotionally difficult.

Addi's mom said...

Yes, yes and yes. I too feel like the worst blogger ever...maybe I can give you a run for your money. It's just so hard to get to this space!

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who is thinking about more babies. On one hand I'm thinking when can we try again and on the other, I'm thinking how can we go through that torure again...ugh.

There will always be one missing no matter how many more we have. Your post echoes so many of my own thoughts.

You are not alone my friend.

Cute pics of Jack's little sis!

Melissa said...

I am everything that you wrote here. Everything. Grace is a beauty.

Brooke said...

Yes, I cannot believe we lived through it. I hate the idea of Eliza feeling imaginary, but sometimes the softening of those memories is the only thing that makes me not feel completely crazy.

Love the pictures of your Gracie girl. I'd like to eat her up.

Caroline said...

oh you just make such beautiful babies.

Natasha said...

I think I am clearly in the running for the worst blogger ever with you! Geez where do the hours in the day go????

First Grace is so stinkin cute! I love her! You make beautiful babies girl!

Second I've been trying to write my Right Where I Am post as well and, ummmm, yeah, clearly not doing a good job of that. Lol!

Third- It's so hard to realize that you are getting further and further away from them. I totally get what you said about imaginary. And that sucks. I think the fact that the memories don't knock me to my feet as hard as they did before is a good thing. But it also hurts because it's a reminder of just how long it's been since I held Aiden.

I wish they were here.

Thinking of you and your sweet Jack and Grace <3

kidsakeeper said...

I have felt for quite some time that Xavier's time with us, my pregnancy...all of it, feels not real. Like it was a bad dream, some sort of nightmare.

I speak about him like he is still here, I try not to shy away from comments like "Oh when I was pregnant with Xavier" I REFUSE to allow anyone to think he is no longer on my mind or in my heart. YET...it's contradictory because sometimes it does feel like it was so long ago, like so much has happened in the interim.

I am a ball of pregnant emotion right now and it all just feels so overwhelming. I know my comments not really helping you lol...so this more of a comment of solidarity..I FEEL YA SISTER!!

kidsakeeper said...

oh and one more thing...more pictures...THAT FACE!!!!! It makes my day :p

little vitu's mom said...

Never had a chance to congratulate you. Baby Grace is beautiful

DandelionBreeze said...

Your little gal is adorable... such a gorgeously happy looking big sister :) My heart goes out to you and all that you've been through. Thinking of you always xoxo

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