Saturday, September 22, 2012

Catching Up

I know, I know... I'm one of those BLMs who has a rainbow and stops writing consistently...

It's not really that I'm so busy with Grace, as that I am just busy in general- all stuff baby and new house have combined to be a pretty active life for me. I'm trying to immerse myself in baby-activities through our local municipality so I can meet other moms like me (except... they're decidedly not).

I participate in baby sing-song classes which is adorable and a lot of fun.... For about 25 minutes Grace coos, giggles and smiles until she suddenly finds herself absolutely starving and also very tired- demanding to both nurse and pass out simultaneously. She does this every class, without fail.

How can you deny this sweet little face when she wants milk? 
I also participate in a mom and baby fitness class and OMG I am no where near anything resembling fit. Throughout the hour class I was required to perform approximately 45 push ups and 30 sit-ups along with other physical activities. It was so hard yo! I'm so out of shape after having two babies back to back whilst performing no exercise, which is totally my own fault, but still. This time Grace's crying and insistence on being nursed to sleep came to my benefit so I could take a breather for a few minutes... ha.This was on Tuesday and I'm still whining about my sore arms. ha.

In all honesty, if you were to ask what I do on a day-to-day basis, I would be hard pressed to actually come up with things to list. I'm just tired. I'm just busy. I'm just tired.

Grace remains a wonderful baby. She sleeps through the night (passing out around 8:30, waking up around 5:30 to nurse, then falling asleep again until 8 or so). I really need to be putting myself to bed around the same time because I am continuing to be fatigued in the morning and I think it's time I start to get myself together.

This girl's favourite activity is standing. She loves it so much.
Grace is a thumb sucker- she will occasionally take a soother, but she prefers her own thumb (actually my boob, but will settle for her thumb). She's actually rocking in her swing, sucking her thumb, passed out as I type. I love this little girl. :)

But man do I miss her big brother. I have found myself in tears on several occasions this month. I just hate that he's not here, too. I miss his little face, I miss his poor latch... I miss his adorable little bum and I hate so much I don't get him back. Ever.


In early September Scott and I attended a Celebration of Life for organ donors in Ontario. We knew it was going to be an emotional event for us, and we actually weren't sure we were going to attend. In the end, we decided that Jack would want us to go, and so we did. We went for him, to hear his name, to honour his gift.

It was a beautiful event in Toronto and it was an absolute tear fest for us. We were among approximately 40 other donor families there to celebrate our loved ones. There were speeches from an organ donor's mother, from a heart recipient now living life to the fullest... There was a portion in the ceremony where the names of the deceased were called and the families invited to the front to collect a medal in their loved one's honour. 

Proof of Life.
We collected the medal and as we did so we were asked who Jack was to us, and how old he was. When we told the Rabbi Jack is our son, and he was eleven days old, he look shocked and said he didn't realize someone so young could donate... Later a slideshow was presented and we saw our boys sweet little face and Scott and I sobbed harder than we have in a long while. The family next to us looked over at us in recognition and I could see the pity in their eyes in acknowledging our sweet boy.

I wish I could smooch this little face. To breathe him in. To kiss his lips.
Seriously, I hate that this is it, that there really aren't any more ceremonies or memories to be made. I know I've said this repeatedly and absolutely nothing has changed about it. I just miss him.

At the risk of sounding like a complete psychopath, I often hold Grace and cry and tell her how much I love her and how much I love her brother. That her brother would love her. And how much I wish she could meet him. And my heart stings with the knowledge they'll never meet on this side of heaven. I hold her to my chest and I cry miserable tears of sorrow and I hate that I do that to her, but the aching for her brother is not at all satiated by her being in my arms.

I read about other BLMs who feel like they've been healed in receiving their rainbows, and I can not relate. He was here and now he's not and that is heart wrenching. Neither time, nor subsequent babies nor any circumstances can change that. I miss him and all he should and could have been.

And here is where I sign off for now because I'm crying again and my gal is waking. She sees enough tears in her momma's eyes and I think I need to work on that a little...


B. Wilson said...

That last paragraph... I totally read: I am crying and my gal is WALKING.

I understand your words, as they feel threaded into my own heart as well. I cry on B and tell him the very same things. You're just a loving mama, my friend. Sociopath or not. ;)

Brooke said...

I think you'd be a psychopath if you didn't miss Jack still. Looking at that picture of him makes me cry, too. It's just so shockingly unfair that he isn't here. I'm glad you were able to go to the ceremony. Beautiful medal for a beautiful boy. I wish he were here too.

Darcey said...

I tell Layton the same thing and I cry all over him and I think that will be my life as long as he will let me. I 100% agree with not feeling healed...i wonder why I don't feel that and others do.

Grace is beautiful and I am so jealous of the sleeping through the night...for some reason my son has something against sleep and it makes me crazy by the end of the week.

Kelly said...

I don't relate either. I miss Adam horribly and I worry Lydia will leave me too. And Lydia hates sleep too. And eating. She's a diva, and I can't figure her out. :)

Dana said...

This post had me crying. Jacob was stillborn, so although I've always felt terrible for what you went through with jack, I couldn't truly understand what it was like to bring a healthy baby home from the hospital and then lose him. I still can't since it hasn't happened to me,, but now that I've had a living baby and brought her home, I can't imagine it even more. About 10-11 days after she was born, I was looking at her and thinking about you and jack and just how beyond devastating it would be to lose her after bringing her home and I ended up sobbing at the thought of it.

Both of your kids are so beautiful.

Caroline said...

Oh this breaks my heart all over for you.

But can I say that I just LOVE how much Gracie resembles her brother. You can totally see it in their cute nose and upper lip area. Oh my goodness do you guys make beautiful babies. I wish they were both in your arms.

Tiffany said...

yes yes yes. i understand. my heart stings so much too. while i definitely don't feel "healed" because baby girl is here. i do feel like she is helping me learn to live again. i am desperately dependent on her. but my god, how i miss her brother so. :(

Molly said...

I'm in tears over that photo too. And I was thinking I was also a psychopath about crying/talking/holding Kellan. Bc I soooo do that often. I told a non BLM that I do that, and I felt weird after I said it bc obvi, she doesnt get it. Glad to hear y'all doing the same things. Also, ugh, I cannot relate to those "healed" ppl either. I am SO not healed and realize that I never will be. :/

TanaLee Davis said...

OMG, Grace is just growing and changing sooo fast!
The portion of this post where you mention the donation ceremony- yeah, pretty much makes me ball' my eyes out! I'm proud that you mustered the strength to go and once again share your son's life with many hearts. I think that b/c you did this it may have opened hearts of those who where there and didn't ever want to donate. I still think you are a strong rock mama- even when you cry over grace and miss jack. Hugs-

Melissa said...

Oh gosh, they're both so beautiful! <3

I know I've said before that Alexa has helped me to heal but there will always be a Charlotte-shaped hole in my heart. I will always miss and love her. I will always want her here and always feel awful knowing that I can't have her.

I would never say that I am "healed" though.

Emily said...

I don't know if I would say Kaia has 'healed' me from losing Aidan, but I would say that she definitely has made my life better, and more complete. I have a fulfilled feeling that was totally absent after Aidan died. She doesn't, can't and shouldn't have to replace him though.

I would also say your feelings of missing Jack are totally understandable. He was YOURS, in your home, in your life, alive on the outside for over a week. You were 'home free'...until you weren't. You have a person to really MISS. Jack had stuff, Jack had kisses, Jack fed and pooped and cried and slept. He was 'real' in a way that babies like Aidan never got to be. Over two and a half years later I maybe have a harder time 'missing' Aidan because he never did any of those things. He was always just a 'possibility' and never an 'actuality', if that makes sense. So it's no wonder that you experience your second baby differently than moms who never got to take their babies home. You probably have an easier time imagining having both children at home because both babies DID make it home. I have a hard time imagining having a 2 year old boy running around because Aidan only ever came home in a box.

I don't think it's weird that you hold Grace and cry. Sometimes at night when Kaia is sleeping in my arms before I put her in her crib I whisper "thank you for living". This would probably weird out anyone who didn't know what we went through to get her, but it's how I feel, and I'm definitely not a psycho (I think!!)

Grace is super super cute by the way! Hope you are enjoying the new house (with a pool!), I'm totally jealous!

Sherri said...

I had a friend ask me not too long ago if I still "think about Kristen as much, now that I have Carter" My answer was that in some ways I think of her more often. I don't think your in anyway unbalanced either! Crying is just second nature to us BLM's.. or me anyway. A mother's love doesn't end just because her baby is gone. People need to understand that!
Grace is Gorgeous!!

Nicole said...

Okay, first of all, kudos to you for doing the fitness class! I haven't allowed my (rotund) self to attempt something like that in years! Ha. And if I was asked to do more than like 4 push ups, forgettaboutit!

I understand what you're saying when you said you're just busy and you're just tired. I feel that same way.

Jack. My goodness. What a beautiful boy. What a terrible loss. What a broken heart. I'm incredibly proud of you for going to the ceremony. I'm sure that was quite difficult. I'm betting little Jack is happy you went, too.

I struggle with missing Caroline so badly I feel like a nutjob. I cry for her. I talk about her. I daydream about what she'd be like, what they'd be like as sisters. I tell Addalee about her sister, or that something belonged to Caroline first. I show her Caroline's picture and tell her how beautiful they both are. I cry over Addalee and tell her about my broken heart and how much I love them both (well, now all 3). So I think you're normal. Well, as normal as anyone who has experienced something as impossibly hard as losing a child can be...because lets face it, there's really nothing normal about that!

Grace is a completely gorgeous little girl. Love her sweet face!

Lara + Chris said...

First, XOXO to you and your family....I often think about how Carys should have an older brother running circles around her and tormenting her and how much she would love it.

Second, and I hate to post this hear since it's not relevant, but can you email me about Kelly from Natalie and Adam's Journey? largirl at yahoo dot com

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