It's not really that I'm so busy with Grace, as that I am just busy in general- all stuff baby and new house have combined to be a pretty active life for me. I'm trying to immerse myself in baby-activities through our local municipality so I can meet other moms like me (except... they're decidedly not).
I participate in baby sing-song classes which is adorable and a lot of fun.... For about 25 minutes Grace coos, giggles and smiles until she suddenly finds herself absolutely starving and also very tired- demanding to both nurse and pass out simultaneously. She does this every class, without fail.
|How can you deny this sweet little face when she wants milk?|
In all honesty, if you were to ask what I do on a day-to-day basis, I would be hard pressed to actually come up with things to list. I'm just tired. I'm just busy. I'm just tired.
Grace remains a wonderful baby. She sleeps through the night (passing out around 8:30, waking up around 5:30 to nurse, then falling asleep again until 8 or so). I really need to be putting myself to bed around the same time because I am continuing to be fatigued in the morning and I think it's time I start to get myself together.
|This girl's favourite activity is standing. She loves it so much.|
But man do I miss her big brother. I have found myself in tears on several occasions this month. I just hate that he's not here, too. I miss his little face, I miss his poor latch... I miss his adorable little bum and I hate so much I don't get him back. Ever.
In early September Scott and I attended a Celebration of Life for organ donors in Ontario. We knew it was going to be an emotional event for us, and we actually weren't sure we were going to attend. In the end, we decided that Jack would want us to go, and so we did. We went for him, to hear his name, to honour his gift.
It was a beautiful event in Toronto and it was an absolute tear fest for us. We were among approximately 40 other donor families there to celebrate our loved ones. There were speeches from an organ donor's mother, from a heart recipient now living life to the fullest... There was a portion in the ceremony where the names of the deceased were called and the families invited to the front to collect a medal in their loved one's honour.
|Proof of Life.|
|I wish I could smooch this little face. To breathe him in. To kiss his lips.|
At the risk of sounding like a complete psychopath, I often hold Grace and cry and tell her how much I love her and how much I love her brother. That her brother would love her. And how much I wish she could meet him. And my heart stings with the knowledge they'll never meet on this side of heaven. I hold her to my chest and I cry miserable tears of sorrow and I hate that I do that to her, but the aching for her brother is not at all satiated by her being in my arms.
I read about other BLMs who feel like they've been healed in receiving their rainbows, and I can not relate. He was here and now he's not and that is heart wrenching. Neither time, nor subsequent babies nor any circumstances can change that. I miss him and all he should and could have been.
And here is where I sign off for now because I'm crying again and my gal is waking. She sees enough tears in her momma's eyes and I think I need to work on that a little...