Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Whilst she sleeps...

Grace is napping in her swing right now, so rather than tackling the laundry, getting into bed, or loading the dishwasher, I'm choosing to write instead.

I've missed this place. The one where I would come to vent, cry as I type, and think about nothing but the little boy who is missing. Grace is 6 months old next week. As cliche as it is, I honestly have no idea where the time has gone. Our days are filled with the mundane (and I couldn't be happier about that) everyday tasks, and long moments of breathing her in. My mind still goes back to the point where I stood two years ago- blissfully pregnant and unaware that our little boy was not to be for long. I hate that.

Mommy's Little Pumpkin.. Heading to my parent's house for Thanksgiving.
I hate that I walked around like every other unassuming pregnant woman, confident we would have a little boy to raise. So sure he was ours to keep that I bought clothes to fit him when he was 12 months and beyond... I stocked up on diapers whenever I saw a good deal, with the goal of outfitting him throughout the first couple of years... Diapers Grace is now wearing- two years after their purchase, and used on that little boy's sister.

Her daddy likes to mimic her faces. 
As fall (my favourite season) is settling in, and the cooler nights are now our reality, I sort through our boxes and find the Old Navy bear suit I had planned to outfit him in rather than a winter coat. How much I wish he had outgrown these suits, and they had been folded and put away for his siblings. Instead the tags remain on these (there are two- 0-3, and 3-6 months) with the knowledge Grace can't wear them either as they were bought for a winter baby.

Love these two (+ one)
Another thought which has crept into my mind is that fall 2012 was when we may have realistically been thinking about a second baby... And now that baby won't be either. Which is not to say I grieve that, but more that I'm bothered by the many ways in which our life has been twisted and bent to nearly the breaking point. I think about weird things, like how Grace will attend school with kids born in 2012 and possibly be friends with kids born in 2011... How she will one day have friends who are the same age Jack should be... How awesome it was he was born on the 1st of January- the promise of a brand new year which should have been amazing and instead was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. The contrast between last year and this year is startling to me- I am able to do all the things I had wanted to do with Jack with his little sister.

Trying on her headband
This summer was full of stroller days. We walked a lot around our new subdivision and I would sing to her and tell her how gorgeous she is to me. I remember how much I have longed for that last year when I had no baby to push around.

I love being a mother to a living baby- it is everything and more than I expected and had hoped it would be. So far (knock on wood), I'm very rarely irritated with anything Grace does- whether that means pooping through a brand new outfit, or throwing up down my cleavage (she does it so often I'm not even surprised anymore...), whether it's her screaming for me only seconds after putting her down for the first time in hours, or when she awakes in her sleep crying because of what I can only assume is a bad dream. I love this baby so much it makes my heart swell. I know people say that all the time, but I mean it in a way I'm not quite sure I could have believed before experiencing it for myself.

This picture cracks me up.
She just wanted her momma to hold her.
This little girl is fantastic, and I am amazed she is mine.  Her Christmas dress arrived in the mail today and I can't wait to put it on her and get her pretty little portraits done in time for Christmas. We're coordinating our outfits, her grey and red dress coordinating with her daddy and I. I'm searching for the perfect bow for her pretty little head. All of these things are so wonderful. And yet it really bothers me that her big brother isn't there to pinch her, or make her smile or do all the wonderful things it is that 22 month old, stinky little boys do.


In a way, I am exactly where I wanted to be. Except not. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I'm still struggling with that.

11 comments:

kidsakeeper said...

I can't believe she's going to be 6 months old! It feels like a life time ago that I saw that pregnancy test and was all "Holy shit you're pregnant girl!!" She is as usual GORGEOUS! I am working on a headband for her, I found a great pattern...should be done sometime soon (ha ha-funny words from the mom of a newborn)

"In a way, I am exactly where I wanted to be. Except not. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I'm still struggling with that."- I don't think it is ever something your heart, soul or mind will ever be able to reconcile. I think the struggle will always be present.

Where we should be, or more, where we think we ought to be, will always be so very different.

Some times I look at S and I just marvel because I am not supposed to have a daughter...I wasn't supposed to have four kids, just the three boys...and yet, here I am elbow deep in pink and ruffles.

I miss Jack for you. <3 <3

katie illingworth said...

I miss Jack for you too. It's such an odd feeling to be so happy and grateful on one hand, yet so damn sad and pissed on the other.

I love her crying face. It made me laugh. A baby crying is such a heavenly thing.

Veronica said...

Oh Laura, I was crying after your first paragraph. I was just reading about your visit with Brandy, and jumped to your blog right after as I'd seen you posted too.

And it just hit me...along with all the good, the joy, the 'happy again' that comes...it just still is what it is. He's just so missing. All of those feelings you were talking about, remembering beng at the end of your pregnancy, having a son, getting your life ready to have your first born son...and to have it all pulled so quickly out from underneath you...it's almost like I'll always sort of be living in that space, trying to figure it out. Trying to see where and why it went all wrong.

Timelines redone, plans given a once over. Thinking of years, and what was supposed to be. It all just boomerangs back.

Your daughter is beautiful. I love how you talk about what she's one to your heart. So touching.

Missing her big brother with you.

B. Wilson said...

Those pictures are all so gorgeous. I love that Scott imitates her. Hilarious.

I'm still trying to come to terms with the life I have now versus the life I wanted all along. It's a battle my soul may never be at peace with.

Brooke said...

Love the pics of the girl with her dad.

And yes, I know just what you mean about loving this life and missing everything that should have been. It will never, ever be ok that our first babies aren't here.

We are so very lucky to hold these rainbows in our arms.

Renel said...

The timelines... Oh how they can drive you mad. Where we should be this year and where we are not. This happy space needing to be nevotiated by the missing and the could have beens. The outfits unworn the smiles not seen... And than there is Grace. The rainbow that is so magnificently beautiful. I am glad you have her. Life certainlyis better because of them. I just wish the contrast was not so present that our love was not so desperate because of our loss. The photos are precious! I can not believe how big she is!!! I can't believe Grace is 3 months and 3 weeks older than Harlow. Someday they will be the same age but right now the difference those three months makes is huge :).

Nicole said...

Love all the pictures of that beautifully chubby bald sweet girl! (Bald babies are pretty awesome!)

I hate that you have to try and balance the happy and the oh so sad. Its hard to think of all that should have been and reconcile that in any way to what actually is.

Thinking of you and Jack.

Mama Bear said...

So glad for your beautiful girl. I love copying her expressions! And so sorry that Jack isn't the mischievous toddler he should be.
Your last paragraph-wow, yes. Ugh.

Natasha said...

Her pictures are so cute! Can't wait to see the Christmas pics :)

That last statement sums up how I've been feeling lately too. It's hard trying to accept that things will never be the way you expected them to be. Hard to deal with the constant struggle between what is and what should have been.

Thinking of you and Jack always ♥

Merry said...

I'm late to this I know (sigh..... I give up with being in time) but I just wanted to say this abreathtaking post. Sums up the whole mess just perfectly.

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